It came back again. That self-loathing, repetitive, rampaging thoughts. It left me tired, numb and knocked out of any semblance of life left in me.
I felt so small, so insignificant. Like an asian subordinate in a world filled with people who seemed enlightented with the Western mind.
I was told that each and every life was meant to matter.
In the neo-liberal, Western educated world, everyone should "follow their dreams" and work hard to be outstanding, and thus deserve their hard work.
My life, coming this far, should matter, and should shine.

But yet, just when I turned 33, it seemed like Time is robbing my chances away.
What have I done? What have I done so far, to impact?
The answer is, after embarking on a 6 year journey studying here and there overseas, nothing much. My works are pretty insignificant. Because I have not worked as hard as I ought to. Because I couldnt find the confidence within myself to match up to engage with those that I need to engage with at this level.

At the end of the day I am still that unconfident, subordinate asian girl who says yes to everything and is meek and docile like I was trained to be. Like my mother and aunts were. Like most of my peers who grew up with me. I couldnt escape the baggages of my fears and past. I couldn't break through to be that outspoken lady, heavily involved with #metoo rights and other pertinent that are happening in the world. I am confined to cute things, as an escape.

Or maybe it could be that my form of activism is one that of love and subtlety. I hope I could change the world, one person at a time, by showing how God loved me, through the way I am patient to love them, through my cooking, through patience and time. Have I impacted people this way? I dont know. I hope so. Is my form of "activism" productive? What "kpi"s can I use to prove my worth? I dont know. What are so-called "Key performance indicators" Do kpis mean everything? Do they retain quality? I am not sure. For one thing, kpi are really but a performance for universities. KPIs have turned universities into a coldhearted business. Is it really for teaching quality education to students, to spend time to nurture them, or is it a way to rake in rankings and hence funding? I hate the word KPIs. Keynesian bullshit. But yet, could I think of an alternative way of life that works without such indicators and targets to set pace? I cant. Because we are all raised in this capitalist world. To let go of KPIs means to retreat to obscurity and die in obscurity. Which defies neoliberal values that tell us how important our individuality are to make it big in this world.

I am a dreamer, I am an idealiser. To put it bluntly I am lazy. Because dreamers spend more time day dreaming and wondering what are they doing, instead of doing what is needed. My inside world is full of Amy-wonders, and sometimes I spend too much time dwelling inside that I forget to come out. I dont strive hard. Maybe sometimes occasionally I do. And I am ashamed of not striving. But then again I ask myself, do I want to be striving hard for my whole life? Is this how I want to live? But if I dont strive, then I sink down again to this vicious cycle of emptiness and self-reproach wondering why am I insignificant.

Sigh.

Here I am again... in Hyderabad

Hyderabad, mere pyare sahar hai

yahan main phir hain

I came to you broken, and here I am, still broken

Perhaps its the balm of time, or the trials of life

I wear my brokenness like laurels on my crown

Not as glory, neither pride,

but as a testament to an acceptance

Of my position in the universe

as subordinate to God

My sins, my temptations

Came and dwelt within me

The thoughts passed in my head,

my body compelled to act

but my soul restrained itself

my rational thoughts admonished me

I sat there, wondering what I have become.

I always thought of obliterating my life

But now, I'm beginning to embrace it

Embrace the ugliness, embrace the weak

Embrace all that is undesirable

Because I'm beginning to appreciate

What it feels like to feel

The movement of bodies

The cacaphony of lives, messy yet synchronized

I'm a sinful mess, but perhaps also a precious mess

In God's eyes

Always work in progress,

Never resting on my laurels

however beautiful they may appear to be

Why I like Crowd Lu

Crowd Lu Guang Zhong.

What a weird English name. I came to know of this treasure of a singer earlier this year, while scrolling through Hua Chen Yu's MVs. Hua Chen Yu was introduced by Angeline. I started to like his songs a bit as he is between rock and strange romantic melodies. And then for some reasons Crowd Lu's 鱼仔 kept coming up in the play list. At first I was put off by his MV because I thought he was an Alex Su look alike, and he was darn ugly and moody with such a glum and ugly face for his MV, as well as really weird looking spectacles. But his songs kept popping up. And his glasses were so similar to the ridiculous reading glasses that I had. So I was curious and actually listened and watched the MV. And I found it really beautifully sung and meaningful. The lyrics were beautiful, not some cheesy hapless love song of a person falling in love. And I came to find out that he acted in a serial drama. I finished watching the drama in a few days. His weird sense of humor and social awkwardness felt a little like me. He was born in the same year as me. Then I was hooked.

One of my most favorite songs in his collection was 明载仔。Although I don't really know what it meant, but it felt so nostalgic, so to the heart. It reminds me of the feeling when I reminisce my childhood days, and the comfort that tomorrow will be better because of the people who support me.

Then I booked his concert tickets, and now I am a fan. I can't stop listening to his songs everyday. It makes me calm and comfortable.