Grading assignments

Today marks the first day I graded assignments, albeit by video. It. is. so. much. fun. Some students were absolutely ridiculous in their videos, but so, so hilarious. Sam and I graded from 3.30pm to 10pm. We spent the time swearing, laughing, and at times bent to tears in humour.

I'm starting to love my life as a TA and student life in Hongkong. 

Discernment

I have seen much, but there is more to see. I observe, silently. non reacting.
I ponder, why people relate to others the way they do. I mull over it.

I look deeper beyond words, the expression, the eyes, the smile, the tone.

written on 15/11/12

My little world of thoughts, I'd never thought I would come back to reread these memories. Why it has been almost 8 years since I created this space.

Who would know life would take me in this crazy direction, writing from a hostel room in Hyderabad, India. It's been a whirlwind of events and emotional journeys I have embarked on. In my lowest and lost moments, I never know I would come back to sort out my thoughts here. What has made me come back? What had upset me? 

In life, all journeys start out promising, but are often met with setbacks. I too, started this journey brimming with promise and hope. But along the way, I felt that I couldn't continue any more. I was reluctant to give myself that discomfort and pressure to continue. But yet, not doing what I thought I should do, also took away the meaning or the purpose of my life, which was once everything to me. The basis and foundation of my relationship, the career choice, the friends I bonded to, all revolved around this basis. Most importantly, to God whom I love and shared such a close relationship to, I swore that I would follow Him. But now, I stand alienated. My failures I couldn't accept. His work seemed too much for me. I wanted the easy way out. I just cannot find the strength to press on any more. I thought of giving up, countless times. I wouldn't even want to start the list of self-pitying and envying about others, that's not even helpful. 

If anything good were to come out of this episode (which I am still mulling in), is that I have learnt truly how to be humble and not think that I am better than others. Who am I to judge others when I am already in such a bad state. Before I am quick to judge, I know everyone has their strengths and flaws. 

There is only one way, and that is forward. 

My grades are  bad, my spirituality down in the dumps. What can I do? There is only one semester left; there is only time I can play with, and hard work. I wouldnt say I will put in hard, hard work, but I guess, for every waking second and minute of feeling that aching failure, I could only try? If I try to pray and plan everyday, at least I could say I tried? 

Life has choices. I could choose to give up on life, and see my future tumble down in darkness, or I could just press on. Why should I press on? What attractions lie in the all- perfect family and life that I would be having? Why would I deserve such wonderful life ahead? Or then I would ask, why would I reject that wonderful gift that God has blessed me with?

Yes I do make mistakes, I do lack wisdom and knowledge, but is that enough that I should feel embarrassed and unaccepting of myself? Or will I blatantly look squarely at life with my cuts, bruises and soiled self?

Written in December 2013

Of Discipline....

Everyday I wake up to struggles within myself. Struggles of the longing to go home, to spend time with family, friends, to enjoy my beautiful Singapore.

Yet I am here, in what seems like a never ending quest for education. A fellow PhD mate just commented that he has only came across one person who could complete her PhD in 4 years. The rest took longer. I went pale at that. I was hoping to finish it in 3. My heart sank a little. But I will still try to do my best.

It has been 5 years of being transient moving in and out of my country for my studies. And another 3(4?) years more. My heart longs to go home, but my aspirations push me further. Thinking back of all the special moments of friends' weddings I have missed, the moments they had their babies, classmates' gathering, I was not there. Friendships are hard to maintain when one is overseas. Then I will come back after a long time, and we catch up where we stopped. And it goes on, but it always feels like we stopped in time when I'm away, and I come back again and time moves on. Time is subjective. But physical aging is not.

But for the lost time that I disappear, I assume another life in another place. I become an essay churning machine, reading and producing essays one after another, reading theories of strange European thinkers and reproducing them as if I belonged in their society.

I appreciate the steep learning curve and the deep change in worldviews and thought since I started my journey. But with every investment it comes at a price. For me, the price was alienation, loneliness. I dream of the day everyday, that I can be home again. I look at Baloo's face and promise him that we will do our best, to have a real home for him one day. For now, my love is sufficient to build him a temporary home in his heart.

Days of writing... revived (?)

Writing.... is part of my life, part of who I am. Writing helped to define who I am, writing helped in my struggles reconciling flesh and thoughts, between what I appeared on the outside and who I really am on the inside. 

I grew up as an awkward person, using my body to resist typical norms and practices, yet at the same time, being affected by it. My refusal to sensualize myself as a teen, my appearance always looking lost and un-transcending the borders of a child and womanhood, was a sort of resistance to the pressures around me that told me what I should conform to. Yet, these very acts I put on myself, put a strain on me as I observed the reactions people had towards me, and I felt, at that point, rejected and hating on myself, hating on the world. Writing, drawing, dreaming, was that escape into my own world, where I could be myself, above flesh, into the world of human consciousness, larger than life. 

The days of blogging are almost over, visual technologies advanced so much that visuals are texts today. Videos and pictures depict daily life. Sometimes I still struggle over "millennial" styled pictures where I cannot appreciate how the picture is in anyway related to the caption. But as I move along with #insta trends, and busy-ness, I stopped writing. I started painting, baking making other stuffs. But something felt missing. I cannot seem to find completeness in the things I create, without words to reflect who I am. 

Words are life.

My writing and thought processes also needs to be honed. Since I am doing a PhD, writing is essential. I need to learn to write daily, write efficiently, improve the way in which I express professionally, academically. I need to be deft with words, so that it can come out of my mouth beautifully and coherently. 

This post commences the start of journal-ling my thoughts, (as I depart from posting on Facebook), to  let my readers aka friends and family get a sense of how I am doing, what I am doing, whats on my mind without me having to explain to them only when I get back home.