About blogging...

I realised that blogging has become a part of me. I have not published a blog for quite a few days already... and I feel a little inadequate, a little muffled. Blogging has become a window of my expression... of course, you cannot fully understand or get to know a person just by reading their blogs. It is a part of me, but not totally me.

Its my voice which I cannot express in day to day circumstances. Nobody really talks about their lives and their inner thoughts in mundane life. Everyone is so busy doing what they are supposed to do. Besides, what is oneinsignificant voice? Who wants to listen to them rant when they have their own pre-occupied business?

Through these years, somehow blogging has helped in my day to day life as well... I learnt to be more open with my feelings and to be more expressive. But in my blog, I talk about things that I seldom raise up during my conversations with people.

Lately I have been trying add this personal touch to my blog, something really deep within me... But I end up not publishing it due to the fear that it was too personal. Besides, the holidays and the rain have not helped but confined me to my dark house making me reflect about many many things. Unfortunately, the more I reflect, the more pessimistic I become. And since its the holiday season, I didn't want to dampen the spirits.

Christmas didn't go very well for me, although I had fun. I had a fever. But anyways I still went ahead to have dinner at a posh German restaurant with the Tuffers and spent the night and following morning spacing out at a friend's place with the whole lot of the rest.

But I think its the weather as well, and all the happenings around the world, and other happenings closer to home, the holidays proceeded with a dull thud. Somehow, my pessimism grew. I guess its this feeling that another year has passed, I'm getting older and I'm struggling with the issue of adulthood. My future looks blurry, I have absolutely no idea what will take place. I don't even have a foresight to see what will become of me in the near future. All my friends are pretty sure what they want, I'm not.

Its hard to grapple and live through life without seeing whats ahead. Its hard to grapple with hte vast difference in thought and opinion that people have. When we were younger, most of us had similar needs and wants; simple needs and wants... but as you grow older, you realised you developed complicated desires, you realise you develop weird feelings towards people which you never felt before... you tend to think way beyond your current situation, and thus you develop differing thoughts as well...

And life's pretty hard to live by when you realise you gradually lose your foresight and values, and find it painful when you realise that not everybody feels and thinks the same way as you do... I guess I am in this very situation. Sometimes I feel like a partial grown-up trying to make my voice be felt in the world of the grown-ups, trying to make them see that the decisions I make in my life can be right as well... and yet I question myself, if what I'm doing, like what they say, is rash, impulsive and senseless? Blind obedience makes me utterly powerless and takes away my very soul... but I have not this confidence to assert my presence yet... because I am one very insecure soul.

So insecure, I am, that when I look into the mirror, I see again, the lack of lustre in this girl's eyes. The cheer has left, but it will be back in time, when the rain has gone and she has clarified her thoughts.

Just as the rains turned the landscape into a misty blur, so are my thoughts and my feelings... clouded, cold and dampened....

Christmas!!!! But I'm sick :(

Yikes.. I'm having stomach flu now. FLU. Flew. Phlu.. Fili, Fala, Faaa lalalalalalalaaaa laalalalalalala lalalalaalala!!!!!!!

And tomorrow's Christmas. And I am performing. And I am going out after that to enjoy myself... How to with this fever....???

Haa... I think as you all know.. I'm very high when I have fever... I will start crapping and laughing... strange.

Anyway... since I have all the time now and I am so bored, I shall do a little food for thought.
Christmas, what IS Christmas?

I seriously am not sure what the world out there thinks of Christmas. As far as I know, the consummerist market have turned this occasion as a celebration on its own- to celebrate consummerism. This Christmas, get your loved ones a new ___ and a beautiful ___. What the hell for? Its the spirit of giving, and desiring and getting. Er... you seem to have left out something here..... Christmas... CHRISTmas... or Xmas (X representing a cross) ...

Its to commerate the birth of a Saviour, a special man. Apparently, this commeration has been clouded by Santa Claus, Reindeers, Frosty the Snowman.. what else.... log cakes, pine trees, candy canes and things that do not belong in tropical Singapore.

Erm, pardon me for being cynical ah... but why do we have pine trees and fake snow flakes on our window panes? Or even log cakes? And then you sit at East Coast looking at a coconut tree and next to you is a overtly decorated pine tree...plastic pine tree.... Are we celebrating winter in Singapore?

And then people come together to have dinner- Ham, turkey, etc... Some people think Christmas should be a romantic time, with your loved one, erm, maybe having dinner at a beautifully decorated Orchard Road, some people think Christmas should have a warm feeling- I can't describe: when I was younger, I wanted to feel this something during Christmas, so on the eve of Christmas, late at night, I spread icing over my biscuit and placed a cherry on it, like a cupcake... and I started eating in my room with a hot drink, hope to feel some Christmas mood. My maid thought I was siao.

What are you looking for this Christmas? What is Christmas to you? How do you identify with Santa Claus or a Snow man (which I bet most of us never even seen a real one before?) And, lastly, how do you identify with the original Christmas, the birth of a man? Many Christmas songs we sing, do you know that we sing the song for this man? Are you able to sing with your heart, the Christmas songs?

Why not come feel some warmth and Christmas spirit at a church? We have songs and performance, and prayers that will melt your heart. :)

Charis Tabernacle at 64 Tanjong Katong Road
11am Christmas Service.
Gimme a msg if you are interested. (that is if you know me) :)

Ok.. its not that I totally condemn Christmas and winter-looking decorations for Christmas, I think its beautiful... really beautiful... but, as a sociologist, I have to question the whole notion, the meaning behind everything... things are nice... but sometimes you have to have an explanation for it.... Would you buy a lovely lacey bra and wear it outside your shirt? But its nice!! And expensive!!!! Siao. Or would you wear you nice wooly sweater( bought from TopShop or something) to a hot and oily hawker centre? I bet you would die first.

So yea.... thoughts and ponders, thats what I do best. THINK THINK!!!!!!! DECONSTRUCT! QUESTION!!!!

To go or not to go....

Flash floods, intermittent rains, storms etc... But my trip to Ophir is due next week... And all the food that I plan to cook.... they call me THE chef... arghhh...

But if I go, think my mom will die worrying.... and my dad will think I'm psychotic (which I am 100% sure he already thinks I am), but he will think I'm psychotic to a greater extent.

Ophir Ophir... the people going are all so nice... the trip looks great... but they say there can always be another time.... maybe in dry weather season...

Do you think the weather will improve greatly within this week? Then there is hope man... if not... sighh...

Christmas is round the corner, and I'm soooo busy with preparations... maybe a little too busy.
I have been feeling a little down these days, maybe its because of the rain, maybe its because of my busy schedule, maybe its just me. I might be feeling too oversensitive. Like every word anyone says affects me. I have to keep telling myself, its fine... there is no bad intentions behind it, I'm doing ok, there are no ill intentions... etc...

Haa.. but making cakes are therapeutic, so is fasting, healing my shaken emotional health. I made 2 brandy fruit cakes today, and a chocolate cake. For christmas. Yesterday, I went out to do my Christmas shopping. Time alone is always good. Reflective. Or is it escapism????

Oh well... need to rush out for a party now...

A day wakeboarding

Today was a great day. I went for the wakeboarding course with Nicole and Ken Jia.

Wakeboarders are very... hmm.... one of a kind. The guys are tanned, have earrings, and they smoke a lot. They tend to have tattoos too. And they drive a cool speed boat. And when you wakeboard, you are supposed to act cool. The cooler your pose, they better you can board.

I managed to stand on a wakeboard upon my second try in Batam few months ago. So today I worked on my shifting skills. Cool, but tiring, and because the speed of the boat was fast, slamming into the water totally knocked my brains off... There was one moment when the boat turned and I was managing the turn, but the centrifugal force was too strong and knocked me off balance and I slammed sideways into the water... ouch... my board flew away from my legs and I felt my brains fly out of my head... haha no la... but it took some time to regain my consciousness.. I was zonked out for a moment... still very wuzzy from all the choppy waters now..

Nicole was cool too, we all tried the same moves but she also ended up slamming into the water...

Ken Jia had her first go on a wakeboard.. she fell into the water many times.. but its ok Ken Jia!!! You will make it the next round! Sure! I fell in many times when I first tried too!

We met a new fren called Ronald, thanks to him we had good transport to and fro the country club.

Oh.. and it was suprising that I met Cher Ling and the Andrew gang there too!!!! Wah so coincidental in an ulu place like punggol.... She was there with her PA company to wakeboard!!! Wah seh!!! Tell me which company so zai give their employees wakeboarding sessions! Rocks man!!

Sadly it rained dinosaurs and elephants at around 4... We had to head back to the jetty... But it was just fun!

Pictures... er,.. its only me cos my camera died while out in the open sea.. so cannot take more...

Happy Feet!!!

Sorry arh.... I'm still in the academic mood to think and write theories.... :P But I waatched Happy Feet recently, and no matter how bizarre the show was, I realised it was very very sociologically related.











Cultural Relativism
what is considered dis-appropriate in one culture is appropriate in another. The emperor penguins found it "unpenguinly" to dance. It was a taboo and regarded a deformity. However on the other side of the land, those "mexican" penguins dance to celebrate their culture...

Collective Behavior
Everybody wants to be in a collective and to act according to the collective behavior. Mumble could not even sing, but he forced himself to do so to fit in. He felt sad whenever he was left out. When he started dancing, everyone followed suit... what Durkheim calls collective conscience... society will give you the feelings, somewhat like mob behaviour.. feelings that will not be invoked when you are alone. Its always not good to be the ood one out.

Law and deviance
What is stated as the "law", or the "norm" is always relative. It is also subjected to cultural context. The law among the Emperor penguins was that they are forbidded to dance, for fear they offend the wind or ocean spirits, and they have no fish to catch. But obviously, because Happy Feet found the true reason for the loss of fish in his land, and when dancing was essential so that they could raise awareness of their existence to humans and thus make it known that they need the fish. So from something considered taboo and against social norms, overtime, it will make way to be something public and official. Like wise for religions, Christianity started as a cult and later on became an orthodox religion.... Society is sooo relative. And traditions are not stagnant. Ha!


On the whole... Happy Feet is a ridiculously farni movie.... it is so ridiculous till I dunno to laugh or cry... And I love those small "mexican" penguins!!!! So adorable and funny!!! Those Chickas!!!! I love it! Must watch!!

Arghhhh

When will my exams end!!!! WHEN WILL IT END!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!

You know you have been studying too much sociology when you....

• Go to a birthday party and start pondering on the whole notion of a celebration
• Notice how people in the birthday party gather in groups by age, gender and kinship
• Notice how people who seem lost in the party tend to recede into the background of the room, quietly eating
• Question why do we have feasting to go with celebration
• Start wondering why people gather round a cake with candles and sing a ritualistic song
• Question the idea of having candles when there are electric lights
• Question the whole idea of coming together to affirm the existence of somebody's life.
• Start thinking that you might not be as modern and new-age afterall, you still have rites and rituals to follow just as those people in tribes and villages have celebrations and feasts.

Hurt meeee....

I'm a softeeee.... reeeaal softeeee.... (even though I may seem quite rough.. hur...)

I'm feeling really sorry for what I done now... in a spur of anger.... I was quarrelling with my father over holiday trips (as usual). I was angry at him for always changing his mind, so I just said what I felt in a very harsh manner and walked away...

Later on when I spoke to him again for other mundane matters, he just told me in a grave but soft manner that I was very defiant. I insisted I wasn't. But he explained to me why he (always) changed his mind. Anyway I followed what he said and didn't go against him. But I think he was very upset that his daughter had become "rebellious"... something he will always use to describe me since secondary school when I did something unexpected... (who doesn't wish for perfect, always obedient angelic daughters that dropped from heaven? Hahha)

I went back to my room still feeling angry... but I think... aaaahhhh.. better apologise to him la... I want to show him I'm not defiant... so I just went to apologise and impressed upon him for the umpteeth time that I am not the "rebellious" kind.

But after I apologised to him he told me: "I know deep down you are not defiant... your tone just now was..." And yes.. I'm a softeee.. I went back to my room and felt a lump in my throat.... To make things worse I had in my mind already to watch Christina Aguilera's MTV titled Hurt... Suay suay it was about daughter-father relationship... I RAINED. Then I recalled all the good things he has done for me and I felt soooooo bad.... Watch and you will know why...



My pastor used to tell me that its the sins in our lives that hinder our relationships.... We always want things our way, sometimes forgetting to consider what are the implications of our wants. Its because we are all not born perfect, we disappoint and hurt others....

We have too much pride in us, so its hard to say I love you, or I'm sorry....

Think sometimes I expect too much from people, I expect my father to be 100% perfect, but, after pondering through, what more can I ask for? He is the best father I can ever have, cos he really loves and cares for my well-being, and I know he loves his wife and family very much... There have been so many stories of other men abandoning their families, having extra marital affairs, I should be thankful I don't experience this....

I'm a softeeee......

An eXam a dAy KeEps your Sanity @w@y....

This is it. Its the last time I'm staying home to study. TOTALLY not productive. I'm one lucky gal who has a library for me to mug. And I'm staying there.

There is just so many interesting things to do at home.... Being at home, I am compelled to carry out the rituals at home. When exams draw near, there are a set of ritual I religiously adhere to:

The ritual of making pilgrimage trips to the Kitchen.
Every one hour or so, my soul, my inner soul stirs, there is this deeeeep, instinctive need to pay homage to the Kitchen. Mind still being in and out of a trance-like-state of MuGgInG, somehow I subconsciouly bring myself on the ardous journey out of my room into the sacred Kitchen. For a start I open the doors of the Fridge. If I placed my offerings beforehand, I would be rewarded with........ the same but chilled offerings. If I did not place any offerings in there, I get none. But sometimes, depending on luck and fortune, and perhaps conduct before the providers of the Fridge (parents), blessings of manna comeforth even when I don't make my offerings. MANNA!!! oh Sweeet manna!!!!
So, religiously, I open and close the doors of the Fridge. It opens up chances of obtaining manna..

Next in the sacred place of the Kitchen, I look out for hotsprings that spouts out browwnish or light brownnish water. This.. is MAGIC water. It keeps you awake (but an overdose of it will make you shake). It helps in the productivity of being in the trance-like-state of mugging. I call it Kopheee. Vodoo magic kophee. Makes you high.

Then, satisfied of all my uncertainties and needs, I retreat back into my mundane room, and productivity rate resumes.


Hmm.. ok I think I have been studying too much on anthropology and religion. Haha....

Hi my name is Bernice

In case anyone doesn't know yet, my new (additional) name is Bernice. Yes. My baptism name. It means victory, in Chirst. You can call me Amy Bernice (that sounds sophisticated). Or Bernice. But most people still call me Amy or Mei Yen. That is fine. Bernice is just a name of significance. I was baptised on Saturday, 4 November.

I'm suffering from identity crisis.

Lately, I have been dressing up. Earrings, skirt, hair, clothes.... cos I felt like dressing up. I felt like I wanted to look like a dainty lady. And I enjoyed doing that. But I guessed I overdid it. I jolted out of it on Sunday. I wore a dress on saturday and another dress on sunday, with a cardigan over it. Yes, the dress looked very lovely. I morphed into this demure "lady" I felt I had to sit right and carry myself properly. The last straw came when I went to Ai Ping's house. I wanted to play Xbox like a guy and sit on the floor. I wanted to feel at home. But I was hindered by the dress. My mannerisms was also hindered by the dress. Damn. Can't laugh and joke crazily with the guys in a dress.
I decided I had enough. Im tired of trying to look feminine and pleasant. Slipped into my old jeans and dry-fit tee shirt today, with a huge checkered shirt as a jacket. Ahh... felt so comfy. Can prop my legs, can be comfortable and act myself. Tied my hair into a plain ponytail. There. I felt neutral. No exuding yin aura. Just me. The neutral me. :) Erm, but for fun, I painted mu nails shocking pink. Haha.
So if you see me looking very "slack" these days, you know why. I missed my old plain self. More large shirts and sarongs to come. I'm putting my skirts and "female" tops on hold for the time being.

I'm proud to be a muggerian of NUS....

School life...

Anger Management....

What to do when you are really really angry at something?

Oh gosssshhhh I can't believe it... I failed my driving test for the third time! After three years!!!! Whats wrong with me!!!!!! Arghh!!!! Angry at both myself and the annal tester...

If you want to know how angry I am, here is what happened to me over the last few days:

1. My aunt told me I was so angry I was grunting and kicking unconsciously in my sleep.
2. I cried for 2 days
3. I swam as much as I could on one morning
4. The following evening, I went for a sprint around my neighbourhood, running till I was panting deeply
5. The next morning, after the run, and STILL angry, I broke a pencil with one hand. That felt soooo goooood.

But somehow I needed to contain this anger. If unleashed, I think I would do something stupid to myself.... NAH. IM NOT GOING TO LET MYSELF BE PUT DOWN BY THIS.

After my sprint round my neighbourhood, I sat down near the play ground to clear our my thoughts. Firstly, I have a good reason to celebrate. I have finally gone for baptism after waiting and desiring it for a long time. So.... what is a measly (though costly) driving license compared to the gift of life and a bondage to God?

And I was reminded of this verse:

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for He grants sleep to those He loves." Psalm 127: 1-2

Ok... so in the Lord I trust, that in His timing things will be made right. Patience.... PATIENCE. And setting my priorities rigth with Him. Maybe I valued my license way too much, and not focused on other more important priorities... maybe my huge ego lay in materialistic things like a driving license. And if I lost it, will my sense of well-being come crashing down? On what do I base my esteem on? Materialisitic things or values? Hmmm...

But seeing this from a non-religious point of view, sometimes I feel that things in life are just made unfair. I felt sooo powerless over this situation. Me, a student, and the tester, from the traffic police with authority to pass/ fail a student. A matter of minutes. A matter of mood. And all the effort put in for months comes to naught. AND THE POWER LIES IN THE TESTER'S HANDS. And I am trapped in the system. The whole BUREAUCRATIC SYSTEM. Cos the next test according to the computerised system will be next year, February. BLOODY RED TAPE. Bloody queues. Argh. You can't help it when you are in the marginalised group of CMI(cannot make it) learner driviers like me. You feel the pinch of being trapped in a driving school with such an extended period of time and the cost to pay... I think it amounted to thousands of $$ :(

Can someone share this pain with me? Someone come mourn with me and sympathise with me.... Boohoohoooooo..... I think I might go about pencil breaking this few days... somehow its therapeutic..... Ohhh my broken ego...... :-(

A rested and recharged weekend :)

I had the best weekend retreat after finishing my last term paper. On firday, I went rock climbing with Nicole to de-stress and hit the rock tiles... hmmm... my stamina and strength has gone down... need to climb more often and train up boy... but i miss climbing :) den had prata with the old gang, one of the guys dropped me Cherling and Ru Yi at Toa Payoh. We sat around the central enjoying the haze-free night air eating ice-cream and talked till 12.30am. Then I went home... :)

Saturday was a bit more stressed though.... needed to complete my essay once and for all... but I had a great time worshipping the Lord, He revealed many things to me which I took for granted...

Sunday was the best best day. :)

Woke up early for the Great Eastern Women's 5 km Run. Ken Jia's mini van once again proved very useful.... We dumped our stuff into the van and started running... cool... Pictures...













Before the run, nice and refreshed...














Just after the run.... tired...














Behind us is the finish line...

After that we went Gloria jeans for a sumptous breakfast...




Hmmm.... coffee with carrot cake and scone ....




Stupid picutures as usual.....

After filling my stomach, I went to NUS to join the Sikh Cultural Tour with Fish. We sat on a bus to the Sikh Temple and we learnt about their religion and culture. SO fun!!! I had to cover my head with a scarf! That is the only time I can do that without getting weird stares....

PunJabify me!!!!!
The 2 lovely pseudo-indian ladies...
We had a nice vegetarian northern indian lunch:
Chaaaapati.. good for health...

at the temple and me and Fish headed to Vivo City afterwards to walk around, had a great time shopping and what she calls "bonding". :)
I bought my favourite Disney's Hua Mulan from Vivo.

Lost in the man-made forest of Tangs....

I went home, washed up and started tidying my table for revision. Then I had dinner and watched Hua Mulan. :) :) And now here I am blogging and talking to my good fren in Melbourne. I will sleep early tonight and wake up REFRESHED!!!!

THIS IS WAD HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE OVERLOADED WITH PROJECTS...

Holy Moly Week (My conversion)

Okay... a powerful spiritual session on my saturday service inspired me to write this down. Not many people knew exactly why I converted huh? My account is like no other....

All along I grew up to be a religious person... maybe because there were many things going on in my life that were out of control, many broken relationships with my loved ones... many times I went home dreading and fearing that crises will be triggered. Many insecurities in me... etc... So I read books on religion, attended talks, and followed my parents around for temple worship quite often....

But at the same time I was open to all faiths. I condemned the Christians for their zealousness (dunno why they so crazy) but I didn't condemn their God, cos God being God.. should be good. Someone from the Navigators in NUS approached me on matriculation day back in my first year in NUS. This white-haired man was extremely friendly and fatherly...

After much thought... in the following I will reveal the pages of my personal diary written 3 years ago to describe my encounter with this man... and subsequently what happened....

The Sweetest Thing That has Been Done for Me

I have been flabberghasted, dumbfounded, touched, happy, sad, confused for the past 2 days. Thinking about it... makes me not want to think about it, yet it harps on my mind... I don't know what to do..

Yesterday was Matric Fair. I, the kancheong freshman, reached NUS at 11.30am, even though my Matriculation starts at 2pm. I was walking around MPSH to find a side door to get in, when a man called out to me asking if I was looking for someone. "No" I replied, and went to search for the side exit. When the side exit wsa sealed, I U-turned back, and the man me if I was lost. So he told me that I couldn't enter the MPSH till I was matriculated. Then he asked me if I was a Christian. No was my answer. He proceeded to do a survey with me which I willingly did since he was nice and friendly. It appears that he was looking for a girl wearing a blue shirt to meet him at that corner I was at around 11.30am, which was also the same time I met him, (And I was wearing blue). After knowing that I had plenty of time (from 11.20 to 2pm), he invited me to his Navigators hangout corner to share the Gospel with me.

Okay, I wasn't too comfortable about the talk on God and man. Certain things he said, I felt were ridiculous. It makes no sense. So I just smiled and let him carry on, and I learnt about his perspective on Christianity. At the end of his talk, he thanked me for taking my time off to listen to him. He asked if I mind that he prayed for me. Prayers are good, they wouldn't hurt, so I readily agreed.

This is one prayer that I will remember for a very very long time.

Bernard( that man) closed his eyes and put his left palm up facing me.
He prayed something like:" Lord Heavenly Father (or something), I have never met Amy in my life before and I really don't know what to pray for her. Please tell me what to do."

Something like that. And he paused for half a minute, listenly intently to his heart.
Then he started to pray for me, and goodness, what he prayed swept me off my feet....
My deep down, innermost feelings, were just, summarized by a complete stranger.
He prayed that I can find my direction in life, my sense of well being and security. He prayed that I could be able to adjust and fit in with the crowds. He prayed for calmness in me, as I am irritated by presence of family members squabbling and not being able to forgive each other.
He prayed that I would find friends, true friends that I did not have to show or hide anything from them. He prayed that I would find my own voice, too many voices from others.

At the end he mentioned he could feel God's love for me was so strong, I think I could feel it too. I was tearing, I was touched. No one ever knew me as well as this before. I didn't even know my self this well. Touched was the word, touched by a complete stranger. .... I thanked Bernard for the prayer feeling speechless... and I was in a dazed moood for the whole day.. confused... utterly. ...... The power of Jesus to me was very real, but what about the logic that whoever who do not recognise Him but does good will go to hell? It makes no sense. I'm afraid of being too extreme in beliefs, especially when word has passed from 2000 years ago. ..... (blah blah)
But if Bernard can commute with the Lord, why doesn't He tell Bernard about all these wrong beliefs? Unless I'm wrong? It makes no sense, I'm confused
Arghh... Will I ever find an answer?

written on 27/07/04, 3pm


The story does not end here. It would be too simplistic to say I converted just from this. More to come... Anyways, as I was typing on the praying part, I was tearing, because God is so good and prayers on my low-self esteem and finding good friends have been answered. Hallelujah.

The Power of Labelling

I was just talking to a friend this afternoon.... he's from Nepal and we were talking about how labelling him "brother" keeps those beautiful Nepalese girls away from him. In Nepal, the term brother or sister is very sacred and once used.. you cannot court the girl because you are her brother. So things remain clear of the relationship between the girl and the guy. He laments that too many girls call him brother in Nepal. Haha....

But I was pondering... wow.... what power words can give. Which is true. We have no romantic affections and feelings for our siblings and cousins because it is a huge taboo if we do. We can actually will ourselves to fall in love with people. Strange. And if we rationalise, we can also will ourselves to stop loving people in a certain manner. I wonder how does the process of falling in love go about. Is it really involuntary and just hits you like cupid's blind arrow? Or your brain goes through mind games, subconsciously telling you that he/she is eligible, and entices you to go deeper and deeper with your fantasitc imagination.....

The magic word between brother and lover. HA... Sounds like some Korean drama. Once there is a clear cut information that the relationship with a person is actually brother rather than lover, your views and mannerisms treating the person as lover is immediately removed from its root and totally changes with a whole new mindset of "brother". Even thinking of having romantic notions with this brother seems incestrous and unimaginable. Eek.

Such is the power of the mind, and the power of social norms... Weber talks about the power of ascribing meaning to symbols. and once meaning is ascribed to it, the roles it play, and how others play around it comes alive. You are socialised only to see things as is ascribed to it. It is far fetched, obnoxious to think otherwise.

This power of labelling of course goes far beyond relationships. It applies to labelling people and things. Say a group calls you stupid. Soon it becomes a social norm that people thinks that you are stupid. And when you accept the label stupid that people call you and you internalise it within yourself, you will believe, and suscribe to the role of a stupid person. Then stupidity becomes you.

So what can I learn from this? I have to be wary of resigning to my fate. If people think I am silly or something, all the more I have to prove them wrong... if not I will really become silly. And another thing I learnt- labels can really affect people and relationships powerfully.

I just realised I have 4 essays to hand up next week.... 2 on Monday, 1 on Wednesday and 1 on Friday....
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AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its the time of the semester again ...

Hello... its the time of the semester where I start ranting again.... mood swings plus impossible deadlines to meet... heh...

BUT... this time, I will not complain. Partly because I'm quite used to it already... partly because I know that grumbling and fuming wouldn't help...

Feeling like the work load is up to my neck... can't seem to be at ease.

But it would be nice to talk about life right at this point... my life is good... it seems that for the first time ever ever in my life, I am satisfied. Yeay. Despite disappointments, despite failures and my recognition that I am not perfect. But, overall, I am satisfied. :) It is usually at this time where your mind is worked up to make you think, you think about all aspects of humanity and their existence on earth.

Mood today: A little crazy and tense but still not snapping yet. Haha.

~~~Birthday~~~~

Had my 21st birthday party last weekend, at my cousin's place, a nice condo with a ultra nice function room. Sorry folks to keep you waiting for the pictures, been very caught up with my projects, and actually I thought I didn't look good on those pictures, thats why I hesitated to put them up. Haha.. now I got over them.....
If your face is not in there so sorry ah.. cos my camera died on me and I'm using my church fren's camera to post these pictures.... so please send me other picutures if possible... Thanks!

Me Pei Qi and Eunice at the start of the party. They were helping me to do up the decor....
Sin Wei and me! She kept adjusting my hair and my clothes for that night.. so farni.. haa

Aiya.. my eyes are closed...

The TUFFERS!!!!!

Wendy and me outside the function room. I served her baileys and nearly tripped over my high heels. Tsk tsk.... The price to pay for vanity...
My secondary school frens Ming Ze and Charlotte!

Balloons make a picture lively, even if the lighting was dark

Hai... Yes... I'm short enough for Melvin to convieniently rest his arm on my shoulder...

Such a nice pose from Sin Wei, how can I not put up???

DADDY AND MOMMY!!!!!

My pieces of artwork for the night.. my lovely pieces.... especially kermit the frog

My big, big family of cousins, cousin-in-laws, future cousin-in-laws and nieces and nephews... I'm the youngest among the cousins la.. haha

Wallet form the tuffers... aiyo.. y do I look so hyper?

The SUPER SPARKLING SWAROVSKI crystal neclace that my girl-guide frens got for me..

Thank you JC frens... I really had a gooood laughh out of this baaaaa hahaa

Earrings from CHarlotte

Yea! the mini-super-useful pocket knife I wanted. Thanks nicole and fish and everyone else! :)

My sweeet little niece made a card for me. It says "I love Amy" inside.. Ahh! my heart melted.

Twins separated.... before the evolution of mankind?????

Toe socks!

You know what I'm thinking? The paper reminds me of those kim zua in the form of a shirt to be burnt for offerings.. Haha think Yuxian will not wear this shirt for some time... hahaha

Shocked.... MP3 player!!! Wah I always wanted one! Thank you my extended family!!!!

Trying the perfume my cousin got me... the look on my face... haha

Photos that my JC frens complied.. so nice!

ELizabeth! Quite suprised... thought she wouldn't come

Pretty Wendy, me and my pretty flower!

Sinwei and me and my Frog Prince Charming!!!!


Had a wonderful wonderful time that day. Thank God for all the wonderful people placed in my midst! I'm so blessed to know all the people in my life, primary school, secindary school, girl guides, JC friends, NUS friends, Tuffers...... Each of you pay a different but important aspect in my life. If not for all your influence, I wouldn't be who I am today! And of course, my family, who has loved me and took care of me.... And God! Who is the source of everything!!!!