Waiting... waiting... and guessing... and dreaming...

Waiting.. and waiting...
Sitting on my table dreaming...
When will it end?
Exhausted and weary
Tired of it all

When will this end!?!?!
So close yet so far
Minutes like hours
Days like months
Yet in a week or two
I will be relieved of my burdens
OR WILL IT REALLY RELIEVE MY BURDENS??!?!
*Pui!*

Heavy heavy heart
What can I do with you?
Throw it into the deepest oceans
Let it sink into the depths of the earth
Buried overtime and fossilized
And it will be dug up as fuel
BURN IT UP
And relieve me of my laden

Time time time....
We are all stuck in the world of time...
Time will tell,
time will heal,
time will pass away
And so will I

"Whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour that appears for a little time and then vanishes away." James 4:14

Spirit is Willing but Flesh is Weak...

I'm getting old.... I'm maturing too fast...

MY LOWER BACK HURTS!!!!!!!!!!

From sitting for too long hours. What kind of ailment is that... And I'm not even 21!

Jia lat... was slouching in my old corner today in the library and my lower back felt so uncomfortable.... I went to the CO-OP to buy Salon Plus and stuck 4 "koyoks" on my lower back. And after that I smelt like an auntie... the "medicated oil" smell.....

And it still hurts..... What is wrong with me this year? First my knees, den my ankles, now my back... My body is degenerating.................

Why my vote counts?? - I can't vote YET!

There has been talk among me and my friends and family members about the forum with MM Lee lately... the "why my vote counts" forum. I have not watched it yet, but have seen excerpts of it on TV mobile and heard portions of it on the radio.

Why is there such a forum? Probably to show that Singapore is still a democratic country, and to convince young Singaporeans like me, that the dominant party is good and ought to be voted for. :)

But.... personally.. I think it was quite sad... the forum participants were described as "strong headed" (or something like that) and they were being slammed left, right, under. They were being cut off curtly of their questions and probably left speechless and tamed. Er.. yes... and Singapore is still a democratic counrty. :)

Okay.. in case I get bolted by lightning for making not-so-good remarks about the forum, ultimately, in any case, I still think that the socialist democratic country Singapore, ignoring the extent of democracy we have, is still a GOOD government system. I am comfortably well-off, I get good subsidies for many things, and I do not have to worry about tomorrow, given the CPF, medisave and what ever nots I have prepared ahead for me.

Ideology wise, Singapore is not a good example of a democratic counrty. The people are not politcally active, and we have an over-powering one party system. To the rest of the world, it seems like an authoritarian regime. But, does ideology match reality? How sure am I that the parties that overtake the PAP will do such an efficient job like the present government? Why do you strive for major changes when you are living comfortably in the present system? I am blinded and entrapped in the present system that I cannot seem to see any other system than the present? Maybe.... But what makes me think the same wouldn't happen to the new system?

Ultimately, I think when the time comes where there are larger cracks in the government; when the people's lives are in dire conditions when they are unhappy, then we can see other politcal parties rise up. Its like the ecological system, when things are lopsided, survival of the fittest will ensure there is a fight for a balance...

We signed a social contract to the government in exchange for a decent living, and we got it. So why bother to strive senselessly for some ideology which... till today, have loopholes in it?

Whatever... whatever it is. I'm not 21 yet. I cannot vote. Bahahaha....

I became one of them.....

Just a few years back, the world of the "grown ups" seemed so alien to me. Yes, probably I have been blinded by 'false consciousness' all the while, to me, all adults seemed right and powerful. Like they don't make any mistakes and the only mistakes are my fault. The inexperienced kid's FAULT. I didn't understand how normal it was to make phonecalls to strangers; either for a reservation/ enquiry/ job interview. I always imagined the person picking up the phone to be of a police-like character. Hence I always trembled at making phonecalls.
Till I had my first job working at Hang Ten..... the damn-ness of the world was exposed to me. How customers can get to your nerves, how co-workers can be such a *beep*, and how I had to work like a slave. How the customers treated me, I learnt something out of them. CUSTOMER SERVICE. Meaning: You don't have to feel obliged or even fear sales personnel (yes I feared ALL people who were not students in the past) You are entitled to mistreat them, emotionally, verbally. Of course I don't. But I realised that is what customer service is about, to take in the grunts of irritated, moody people who get the kick out of being treated like royalty.
Then I proceeded on to working in the Office of Corporate Relations in NUS... and it was there I was drilled to make phonecalls... not only to lay people but to big, big shots.... professors, directors of companies etc.. of course I had to go through their secretaries, of which some of them were pleasant, others sounded like I owed them a living. But the experience was traumatising. I remember stammering and stuttering in the initial stages... So scared, I felt so powerless.. so meek ... like i will be put on a death sentence anytime...
But as time went on and I learnt about all the ills of society and its people in my course, as I got more comfortable in dealing with personnels over the phones, meeting foreign delegates and providing them with service, my fear of people subsided. I became one of them. Those in the world of the adults, where politics and backstabbing reigned, there are many sides to a person, and so there are the sides of me developing as well.... I exchanged my fear and naiveity of the world to a more confident, cautious side of me.
I made a phonecall recently to enquire about my registration at the driving school. And I was talking to the person on the phone like some old friend. Huahahaa... I became one of them, understanding why the man was talking to me on the phone, understanding that it was HIS job to keep me politely informed of any aspects regarding the driving school, and that he is just a mere man doing his job, that HE should fear me, lest I make any complaints about him providing bad CUSTOMER SERVICE....nah.. I'm not that unreasonable, but in any case if he was paid to sound like a grumpy person....

Welcome to the workforce....

IM SO BOREEED!!!

Sigh.. im in the library now... trying to mug for the upcoming exams... thank God that He has seen me through, my work have improved tremendously since my first year...
I'm trying to coop myself up in the library for the whole day... but apparently it doesn't work.... I'm bored! Yawn... I wanna go watch movie...
Dunno wad else to write... dun write!!! STUDY!!!!

Party time...

Warning: This entry is super- narcissistic. It reveals the true colours of vain Amy. If you cannot take my narcissism, skip this entry.

Saturday was Pearlyn's birthday party. After mugging for the whole day, I was looking forward to dressing up and having some fun....

Stressed up on my table.... mugging...








Getting ready. Clothes chosen, half of make-up done.










In the car. Yes... vain.. I know.









Birthday girl Pearlyn. Looking glam. I love the matching diamonds. Birthday girl wore a glamourous black tube dress. Beautiful.









The more feminine, hot side of Nicole. Nice halter...







Drinking Alcohol...


1st cup. Drink up! Drink up!!!!









10th cup. And still surviving...










100th cup. Gone.









What do you do when drunk? Stick candles into a basket of sweets instead of the cake.






Happy 21st Pearlyn! I enjoyed myself. Thanks for the party! Hope you had a great time that day, and in the club too! Sorry I din join you for clubbing. Too expensive and I was tired. Bet you had a fun time with your bf and frens! :)

Trying to Pick myself up again........ =/

Crawling

Crawling in my skin
Consuming all I feel
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/ confusing
This lack of self control I fear is never-ending
Controlling/ I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before,
So insecure

Crawling in my skin
Consuming how I feel
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/ reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem

To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence and I'km convinced that there's just too much to take)
I've felt this way before,
So insecure...

Linkin Park.

Never felt this way in more than a year...

I never felt this hopeless for more than a year. I feel so ashamed. So gutless, such a wussy. Yes, Amy, this girl who looks sporty and perky most of the time, this girl who is not afraid to challenge herself in adventurous activities and sports...... is actually a rotten tofu deep down in her heart. She gets squashed emotionally very easily. I'm like an egg that looks hard on the outside, but the yoke bursts very easily inside once u squash the shell.

All that I have done for the past half a year or so, why do I do it for? Do I do it because I think I will outdo the rest? Or do I do it for conviction for God? I write notes of encouragement, pray for others to take faith in Him, yet at my very own baptism, my faith does not even measure up. I feel downright bad about it.

What have I been wasting my time on this semester? On day dreaming of things that will not even happen. On things that are not relevant to my school work. I got too complacent.
I have to snap out of this, if not I will slip further into self pity, and NO ONE can save me out of it but myself.

All I can say is that, Im not as good as I thought. I'm nothing but a scatter-brain. I need so many people to look at my essay before I hand up my work.And they are not even good. And people around me think im mad. I fall into laughing fits that are scary. Even I scare myself sometimes. Im eccentric. And Im sorry God....

Thank you Father.

I feel like giving thanks today. So that I will appreciate the things in life and not take everything for granted. Here goes...

I feel very thankful for my parents. Though they are particular over how I look and my size, but I have been very well taken care of. They are very generous towards me, and give me no pressure in courses in my life. I never got caned from them, they did not push me to enter JC or university, but respects my decisions in life best as they could. Even though they had a hard time facing my conversion, but the tried their best to adapt to changes around. And they were always so frugal. So that I could lead a comfortable life. I wished I treated them better and not be so withdrawn sometimes.

I am thankful for the person I am today. That I was brought up in a particular manner, I had good exposure when growing up, and learned many skills on the way. If not for the trials He placed in my life, if not for the opportunities, though some of them may be harsh, I would never have been what I am today. And I'm still learning along the way....

Thank God for friends, in all aspects. Sports friends, spiritual friends, eating friends, study friends, talking friends, friends that I have in all aspects of my life, shaped me too.

Lastly thank God for His love in my life, that changed my perspective in everything, that instilled in me an optimistic view at a point when I was very pessimistic about life. His love changed me.

I'm a blessed kid!