Hmm... how should I put this across in my blog today... Why Victoria? No no... Victoria is not someone I know, neither am I lesbian. Hahaha... Victoria stems from victory, victory is the word that will linger on in me for as long as I can.
Well.... I grew up in a home where it is 'normal', but yet not as normal. How do you define normal? A normal family, is like a family seen in the advertisements. The kids grow up happy and fine, the whole family is just happy to be together. Now everybody knows that is nearly impossible. We are able to define what is normal because we have seen "abnormal" families. Thats why the 'normal' standard has been set for everyone to try their damn most to keep it up. But you know its not very possible. Anyway....
I grew up in a normal family. I turned out to be fine, yes I know I'm weird, but in other cases I know there are many others out there who wished they had what I have. My family is still intact, parents get along fine, stable income, nice apartment, blah blah blah... Yet, in some ways it is abnormal. There are things that bothered me since childhood. Quarrels and misunderstandings are common. And from misunderstandings, things get complicated. Am I bothered by all these? Yes. In fact for a period of time, it affected me quite badly. I do not hate my family. It is precisely because I loved them, to see them get so troubled and angry all the time pains me. I feel helpless that I cannot do much to help them. Thats why I get into depression.
But that is in the past. Having been through sort of a mild depression earlier this year, I do not want to let history repeat itself. It sucks to be depressed. Really... Well, I'm sick and tired of feeling downtrodden and helpless all the time. After my depression I went into this spritual search in my life during the holidays. And I emerged refreshed, full of hope. I want to be in full control, and I will. I'm so not going to let this get me down. I am not the weak person that gives in under petty stuff. I'm going to fight it. Fight to control my emotions, fight to salvage matters. I've learnt not to bottle up my feelings. Get help if I need to. At certain points in life, I know I cannot walk through it alone. Because I'm not alone. If I can really emerge out of the worst situation calm and in control, I can say that I have grown, shed my old self away.
Victoria becomes me.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Panda hybrid
I believe everyone has heard of the werewolf before. Every full moon, a man morphs into a wolf. But have you heard of the were-panda? Its actually quite a common phenomenon. It hits students, late at night, deep in the semester, where workload is heavy, the panda morphormation takes place. Compared to the werewolf, the werepanda is a much friendlier creature. It is practically harmless, and depending on the individual... sometimes it prances around looking like a zombified but dreamy idiot, other times it drags it itself along as limp as a dead fish.
Symptoms of the were-panda:
Dark eye rings under the eyes.
Active at night, weary by day
Hideout is in a modern looking cave, with a lamp and lots of books
It is possible that there may be a great number of were-pandas living amongst you. Or even worse, YOU might transform into a were-panda, and you don't even know it! (Those werewolves themselves are not aware of their own transformation)
Have you seen a panda today?
Symptoms of the were-panda:
Dark eye rings under the eyes.
Active at night, weary by day
Hideout is in a modern looking cave, with a lamp and lots of books
It is possible that there may be a great number of were-pandas living amongst you. Or even worse, YOU might transform into a were-panda, and you don't even know it! (Those werewolves themselves are not aware of their own transformation)
Have you seen a panda today?
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Scenes of my life..
Yet another dinner conversation with my dad two nights ago. The previous striking conversation was me looking like the Hulk. This time we touched on religion.
We had an earlier conversation on some of my aunts.. then I lamented that I dreaded coming home on Sunday afternoons when all of my aunts and relatives were around my house. My aunts... they don't like christianity. So coming home on a Sunday afternoon its obvious that I came back from church. Good thing that they still treat me well. But when they get together, they will spend most of the time talking about their own religion, and in the process inevitably put down other religions (like mine.. hur hur... ). Its a tad uncomfortable sitting round the table listening to them, I'd love to talk to them, but not on this subject. I always have this immense fear that they will start asking or lecturing me on what I have done.. I picture myself so frozen with fear, and feel downright guilty as if I had rebelled against them or something.... Fortunately none of such stuff has happened, they are all in my mind...
Back to my conversation with dad. Ya.. so I told him how I dreaded Sunday afternoons. And he told me: " Whats there to fear? I have given you full permission to pursue in what you believe in. Before they can convince you to follow their way why don't they convince their own children to be more religious first? If they come and tell me why let my children believe in other faiths I will reason out with them."
I was pleasantly suprised when he said this. He actually gave me his full blessings to pursue what I believe in. All along I felt fear and uneasiness to express my faith among them. Waking up early on weekdays just to go to school for morning devotions, much to the annoyance of my mother initially. Spending my saturday mornings for fellowship, many a times I left the house feeling guilty. And many times when I meekly murmured I'm going out for some churchy stuff, my dad will say:" Want to go for church stuff just tell me lar.. whats there to fear??"
Whoa. I'm still uneasy with this new-found freedom. Nonetheless I'm horrendously happy that they understand. The stigma of touching on religion has sort of been broken. So.. I went forth to show him my 'progress' in my faith. Showed him the bookmark I bought (which is the earlier blog entry I typed) He read through it.. and was satisfied at my 'progress'.
Then he said: " You should get one more such bookmark for your lack of confidence."
"Huh? Lack of confidence in what?"
"In standing by what you believe in admist whatever your aunties think otherwise."
What more can I say? I'm horrendously suprised and happy to finally have an approval of my actions. After all the drama-mama going on for the past year.. things look like they are stabilising.. Looks like my prayer was granted. :)
We had an earlier conversation on some of my aunts.. then I lamented that I dreaded coming home on Sunday afternoons when all of my aunts and relatives were around my house. My aunts... they don't like christianity. So coming home on a Sunday afternoon its obvious that I came back from church. Good thing that they still treat me well. But when they get together, they will spend most of the time talking about their own religion, and in the process inevitably put down other religions (like mine.. hur hur... ). Its a tad uncomfortable sitting round the table listening to them, I'd love to talk to them, but not on this subject. I always have this immense fear that they will start asking or lecturing me on what I have done.. I picture myself so frozen with fear, and feel downright guilty as if I had rebelled against them or something.... Fortunately none of such stuff has happened, they are all in my mind...
Back to my conversation with dad. Ya.. so I told him how I dreaded Sunday afternoons. And he told me: " Whats there to fear? I have given you full permission to pursue in what you believe in. Before they can convince you to follow their way why don't they convince their own children to be more religious first? If they come and tell me why let my children believe in other faiths I will reason out with them."
I was pleasantly suprised when he said this. He actually gave me his full blessings to pursue what I believe in. All along I felt fear and uneasiness to express my faith among them. Waking up early on weekdays just to go to school for morning devotions, much to the annoyance of my mother initially. Spending my saturday mornings for fellowship, many a times I left the house feeling guilty. And many times when I meekly murmured I'm going out for some churchy stuff, my dad will say:" Want to go for church stuff just tell me lar.. whats there to fear??"
Whoa. I'm still uneasy with this new-found freedom. Nonetheless I'm horrendously happy that they understand. The stigma of touching on religion has sort of been broken. So.. I went forth to show him my 'progress' in my faith. Showed him the bookmark I bought (which is the earlier blog entry I typed) He read through it.. and was satisfied at my 'progress'.
Then he said: " You should get one more such bookmark for your lack of confidence."
"Huh? Lack of confidence in what?"
"In standing by what you believe in admist whatever your aunties think otherwise."
What more can I say? I'm horrendously suprised and happy to finally have an approval of my actions. After all the drama-mama going on for the past year.. things look like they are stabilising.. Looks like my prayer was granted. :)
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
I got this from a bookmark:
Lord, put a watch on my lips, put a guard on what I say;
For Lord I want to live for you and bless someone today.
For every idle word I speak when in gossip I take part,
Reveals the kind of man inside, hidden deep within my heart.
There's power in my lips today to heal a heart or break it;
May my tongue with every word it speaks,
Please the one who made it.
"Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.
Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it"
Psalms 34:13-14
Lord, put a watch on my lips, put a guard on what I say;
For Lord I want to live for you and bless someone today.
For every idle word I speak when in gossip I take part,
Reveals the kind of man inside, hidden deep within my heart.
There's power in my lips today to heal a heart or break it;
May my tongue with every word it speaks,
Please the one who made it.
"Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.
Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it"
Psalms 34:13-14
Monday, September 19, 2005
F.R.I.E.N.D.S
Friends. Just a simple term, but man has complicated it till the definition ranges vastly. Good friends, "best" friends, "Hi and bye" friends, boyfriend, girlfriend, boyfriendS, girlfriendS... blah blah blah.... they all mean differently. Having a boyfriend (lover) is vastly opposite as to having a good girl friend. A best friend cannot be compared to a "hi and bye" friend.
But, nevertheless, a friend is still a friend. No matter how close or distant you are to that "friend" of yours, you never want to mean any harm to them, and you would help them as much as it is in your means.
I find it awkward when people ask me:" Is that your close friend?" What am I supposed to say? " She/He's my best/good friend."? I personally don't prefer answering these questions. How do you define a "best" friend? How do you define a "good" friend? I have heard of people saying:" Oh... I would expect my best friend to be this and that.. and to share ALL my secrets.. blah blah blah..." So what happens when through time, through different interests and different occupations, your "best" friend can't really be there for you, can't really understand what you are going through anymore? To some, its devastating. Because of the label "best" or "good" or whatever. With this label comes GREAT expectations. Being a "best" friend is stressful to me. Its like signing a contract with someone. Once I violate some rules, like not acting out what a best friend should be, I get black marked for life. Most probably my other half will feel soo disappointed, even though we both know we are friends and care for each other, just because maybe I failed to understand or commit time to her/him.
So... I would prefer that all my friends, no matter how close or not-so-close they are, to be just: friends. This way, no one will feel left out. Anyone can become close to me overtime, anyone can drift apart from my company anytime. Its unpredictable. And most of the time its beyond my control, due to each and everyone's exposure to different social circles. Unless you are really such a jerk and I don't wish to see you anymore.
The bottomline is, I love all my friends. To those who enjoy being with me, I gladly try as much to give my time to them too. To anyone who needs any help, I will do whatever is in my means. To those who just feel like letting off steam or confiding in someone, I will gladly lend a listening ear. A friend is someone whom I get support from and give I support too. No matter what degree of closeness I have with any friend, just take heart that I care for everyone of them.
But, nevertheless, a friend is still a friend. No matter how close or distant you are to that "friend" of yours, you never want to mean any harm to them, and you would help them as much as it is in your means.
I find it awkward when people ask me:" Is that your close friend?" What am I supposed to say? " She/He's my best/good friend."? I personally don't prefer answering these questions. How do you define a "best" friend? How do you define a "good" friend? I have heard of people saying:" Oh... I would expect my best friend to be this and that.. and to share ALL my secrets.. blah blah blah..." So what happens when through time, through different interests and different occupations, your "best" friend can't really be there for you, can't really understand what you are going through anymore? To some, its devastating. Because of the label "best" or "good" or whatever. With this label comes GREAT expectations. Being a "best" friend is stressful to me. Its like signing a contract with someone. Once I violate some rules, like not acting out what a best friend should be, I get black marked for life. Most probably my other half will feel soo disappointed, even though we both know we are friends and care for each other, just because maybe I failed to understand or commit time to her/him.
So... I would prefer that all my friends, no matter how close or not-so-close they are, to be just: friends. This way, no one will feel left out. Anyone can become close to me overtime, anyone can drift apart from my company anytime. Its unpredictable. And most of the time its beyond my control, due to each and everyone's exposure to different social circles. Unless you are really such a jerk and I don't wish to see you anymore.
The bottomline is, I love all my friends. To those who enjoy being with me, I gladly try as much to give my time to them too. To anyone who needs any help, I will do whatever is in my means. To those who just feel like letting off steam or confiding in someone, I will gladly lend a listening ear. A friend is someone whom I get support from and give I support too. No matter what degree of closeness I have with any friend, just take heart that I care for everyone of them.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Fly me to the moon...
So... today is mid-autumn festival... whoa.. it was such a spectacular day today... I've got 2 good catches. Took pictures of the big, bright round moon, and earlier in the evening, I captured some magnificent looking rainbows. All from my 25-storey balcony. I wouldn't elaborate any further.. let the pictures do the talking... 
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Chio Bu!!!!
Babilicious babes... ooh... due to popular culture, these images of the girls I draw are sort of the perfect-looking ladies in my opinion... fantasy as opposed to the real world, where imperfections exist...
Pretty woman... lost in her thoughts...looking like she's at a pub drowning her sorrows...
Pretty woman... lost in her thoughts...looking like she's at a pub drowning her sorrows...
This is sorta a self portrait of me; the ideal me... (?!?! in my dreams!) of course a much better looking portrait.... my eyes are not that big, neither is my mouth so small... hmm but come to think of it have you seen such a big-faced looking manga character before? this one is the first... :)
Babes babes, larger than life... can't look like them, draw them... can't have them... draw them!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KEN JIA!!!
Its Ken Jia's 21st birthday on Monday. We had dinner at Swenson's and had fun taking a lot of photos after that....
My JC classmates.. from my clique..
Er.. Ken Jia is the one second to the left, in baby pink... she always wear pink lo.. always...
Hey... this picture is quite cute...
We look so lost in our thoguhts.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
BrAiN DeAd
I want to sleep .
In NUS computer lab, aimlessly typing away
Have lecture at 4pm... now its 3.10pm
My bed is very comfortable
I have a queen sized bed
Just changed my bedsheets last week
I have a cuddly bolster
I want to snuggle under my quilt in the air-con room
No more homework, no more term papers, no more late nights
Just me and my bed
And my bed transports me to lala land,
Lala land is where my brain rests, it doesn't think
it doesn't react, it just keeps me bratheingm and my heart beating.
My brain is glad that it does not do anything more...
Take me to Lala Land, my bed, and we can be there happily ever-after. zzz.......
In NUS computer lab, aimlessly typing away
Have lecture at 4pm... now its 3.10pm
My bed is very comfortable
I have a queen sized bed
Just changed my bedsheets last week
I have a cuddly bolster
I want to snuggle under my quilt in the air-con room
No more homework, no more term papers, no more late nights
Just me and my bed
And my bed transports me to lala land,
Lala land is where my brain rests, it doesn't think
it doesn't react, it just keeps me bratheingm and my heart beating.
My brain is glad that it does not do anything more...
Take me to Lala Land, my bed, and we can be there happily ever-after. zzz.......
Sunday, September 11, 2005
SAFRA run: Roasting hairless apes under the sun...
After days of persuasion and begging, finally I got 3 friends to run with me for the 6Km city run organised by SAFRA. My goodness! Those friends who refused to join me actually felt intimidated by me! They thought I was the super "chiong" girl that outdo guys in fitness. HELLOO!!! If I really am like that, I would be slimmer my dears! And more toned. I'm just someone who likes to take challenges that looks pretty impossible to me. Well, if you never try it, you wouldn't know where you stand right?
Oh well, so, I had Siew May, Matthew and Ting An to run with me. We were late today, so instead of running from the starting point, we started from Funan Mall where Matthew parked his car (we dumped our stuff in his car) That takes about 1 km? Considering we made a big round before reaching the starting point. So we ran and ran.. Barely after the first km, I asked Matthew to carry my pouch for me :P haha... starting to get tired... and we ran and ran.. initially I could run rather quickly, was at the same pace as my 3 other friends, as running through the CBD, there was shade too,... so not too hot. Then after the 2 km or so.. I started to slow down a lot.. Siew May and Matthew disappeared in front of us. And I was there struggling... So hot so hot.. I'm not that used to running in the morning under the sun... Partially it was the heat that slowed me down so much... my body was already producing so much heat from running , it doesn't help that the sun is adding fuel to fire... argh.. so hot so hot.... and another irritating fact was that there were soo many people walking, even the army guys! SLACKERS! Met one of my friends in the army.. I think he must be thinking: Crazy girl! come join the army run dunno for what! haha..
And I'm thankful to Ting An that he was pacing me... I was really a snail runner la... my running speed is equivalent to brisk walking speed :P but it really was a good view, especially when we got up the Sheares bridge, could see all the buildings ( but I was so preoccupied with my fatigue already) and it was cool running down slope.
Hehe... and its the first time I participated in such a long distance running, found it cute that they offered wet sponges to us. Do not underestimate the power of a simple wet sponge. Ting An took one and I followed suit. When you feel like you are on fire, the feeling of squashing the wet sponge onto your face is..... heavenly... immediately I began running faster for a while.. aiya.. should not have thrown the sponge away so quickly, should have took two and stuffed them in my shirts or underwear(?!) or something.... they were so shiok...
And I ran and ran... so tired, tripped over the railing stand used to cordon off the area, and later on I slipped and fell when stepping up on the pavement.. ahh so embarrassing... but I continued running.. haha.. must maintain image. And needless to say, I sped up and reached the finshing point! Good run.. Siew May and Matthew completed the run much earlier than us, and they were walking around... -_-''' But anyway.. its not meant to be competitive, I ran at my comfortable pace.. so I'm still glad.. and while we were walking back to the place where Ting An threw my coupons for goodie bag (they actually searched the rubbbish bin!!) We saw this angmoh... poor thing but looked rather funny at that time, he got heat exhaustion and he collapsed flatly onto the bushes beside the pavement. He was quite big, so I think he made quite a big dent on the bushes. Poor thing.. think he's not used to the weather here.. even a local like me think its too hot also. Roasted! And he has white skin, think he's more roasted.
Okay enough of the long story, anyway we met up with Melvin ( he got 19th place for 21 km competitive run!!) and rushed to Matthew's house (he has 3 showering toilets!!) to bathe and attend church.
BUT.. the overall point of my entry today!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO CLEAR 6KM OF RUNNING!!!!! Do you know I hated cross country in secondary school (3.1km only), I din run, I used to walk more, and the very first time I went jogging on my own a few years ago I ran only 600m and got absolutely tired out. My my... I can run 6km!!!!!! I can run 6 km!!!!! I can run 6km!!!!! ok.. might not be a big deal to some, but IT IS TO ME!!!! AND THIS IS MY BLOG! I WRITE WHAT I WANT!!!!!!! YIPPEEEEEEEE AMY IS A FIT GIRL! AMY CAN DO IT!!!! AMY ROCKS! AMY ROCKS! AMY ROCKS! PRAISE GOD!!!! AMY STEADY BOMPEE PEE!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! :D
Oh well, so, I had Siew May, Matthew and Ting An to run with me. We were late today, so instead of running from the starting point, we started from Funan Mall where Matthew parked his car (we dumped our stuff in his car) That takes about 1 km? Considering we made a big round before reaching the starting point. So we ran and ran.. Barely after the first km, I asked Matthew to carry my pouch for me :P haha... starting to get tired... and we ran and ran.. initially I could run rather quickly, was at the same pace as my 3 other friends, as running through the CBD, there was shade too,... so not too hot. Then after the 2 km or so.. I started to slow down a lot.. Siew May and Matthew disappeared in front of us. And I was there struggling... So hot so hot.. I'm not that used to running in the morning under the sun... Partially it was the heat that slowed me down so much... my body was already producing so much heat from running , it doesn't help that the sun is adding fuel to fire... argh.. so hot so hot.... and another irritating fact was that there were soo many people walking, even the army guys! SLACKERS! Met one of my friends in the army.. I think he must be thinking: Crazy girl! come join the army run dunno for what! haha..
And I'm thankful to Ting An that he was pacing me... I was really a snail runner la... my running speed is equivalent to brisk walking speed :P but it really was a good view, especially when we got up the Sheares bridge, could see all the buildings ( but I was so preoccupied with my fatigue already) and it was cool running down slope.
Hehe... and its the first time I participated in such a long distance running, found it cute that they offered wet sponges to us. Do not underestimate the power of a simple wet sponge. Ting An took one and I followed suit. When you feel like you are on fire, the feeling of squashing the wet sponge onto your face is..... heavenly... immediately I began running faster for a while.. aiya.. should not have thrown the sponge away so quickly, should have took two and stuffed them in my shirts or underwear(?!) or something.... they were so shiok...
And I ran and ran... so tired, tripped over the railing stand used to cordon off the area, and later on I slipped and fell when stepping up on the pavement.. ahh so embarrassing... but I continued running.. haha.. must maintain image. And needless to say, I sped up and reached the finshing point! Good run.. Siew May and Matthew completed the run much earlier than us, and they were walking around... -_-''' But anyway.. its not meant to be competitive, I ran at my comfortable pace.. so I'm still glad.. and while we were walking back to the place where Ting An threw my coupons for goodie bag (they actually searched the rubbbish bin!!) We saw this angmoh... poor thing but looked rather funny at that time, he got heat exhaustion and he collapsed flatly onto the bushes beside the pavement. He was quite big, so I think he made quite a big dent on the bushes. Poor thing.. think he's not used to the weather here.. even a local like me think its too hot also. Roasted! And he has white skin, think he's more roasted.
Okay enough of the long story, anyway we met up with Melvin ( he got 19th place for 21 km competitive run!!) and rushed to Matthew's house (he has 3 showering toilets!!) to bathe and attend church.
BUT.. the overall point of my entry today!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY MANAGED TO CLEAR 6KM OF RUNNING!!!!! Do you know I hated cross country in secondary school (3.1km only), I din run, I used to walk more, and the very first time I went jogging on my own a few years ago I ran only 600m and got absolutely tired out. My my... I can run 6km!!!!!! I can run 6 km!!!!! I can run 6km!!!!! ok.. might not be a big deal to some, but IT IS TO ME!!!! AND THIS IS MY BLOG! I WRITE WHAT I WANT!!!!!!! YIPPEEEEEEEE AMY IS A FIT GIRL! AMY CAN DO IT!!!! AMY ROCKS! AMY ROCKS! AMY ROCKS! PRAISE GOD!!!! AMY STEADY BOMPEE PEE!!!! WOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! :D
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I'm sorry....
I just read Mary's blog... this has been a topic which I usually don't bring up, I'm not a very sentimental person outwardly, I tend to act like everything's going smoothly and fine when it comes to relationships with people...
I know that my relationships with my good friends in secondary school turned out rather differently. I have been able to maintain some, while the rest are somehow becoming more and more distant....
I guess, on my part, I register assumptions too quickly in my mind without actually knowing whats going on. Frankly, I think I couldn't cope with the change that Mary underwent outwardly, her circle of friends were very different from mine in JC and also in NUS... But till yesterday, our class gathering, where I could sit down and really chat with her for sometime, I realised she was still very much the same inwardly... I felt gulity on my part that I had adverse reactions towards her...
I already knew that she felt rather hurt when Ming Ze told her what I said to him... I know that saying sorry now doesn't help very much in whatever happened and the rift between us over the years, but, dear Mary, I hope you would understand that as humans none of us are perfect and in all aspects of our lives we would definitely face disappointments either with ourselves or with other people. So don't blame yourself for not trying hard enough. Its not entirely within your control that such things happen sometimes.
But in saying sorry to you, I really want to stop pretending that I don't know whats going on, and I wish to face this problem and mend it. God recently opened my eyes to see myself as a whole, all good and bad. I am more aware and discovering everyday the flaws I have in myself, and I'm trying to change it. I have learnt my lesson on bad-mouthing people and it ended up hurting people that I care about. So, I'm terribly sorry. I don't really sound like I am in words, but I am.
I hope you would accept this apology and yea... I'm still trying to change for the better... there is so many things that I realised I need to change in me. I'm sincere about it...
I know that my relationships with my good friends in secondary school turned out rather differently. I have been able to maintain some, while the rest are somehow becoming more and more distant....
I guess, on my part, I register assumptions too quickly in my mind without actually knowing whats going on. Frankly, I think I couldn't cope with the change that Mary underwent outwardly, her circle of friends were very different from mine in JC and also in NUS... But till yesterday, our class gathering, where I could sit down and really chat with her for sometime, I realised she was still very much the same inwardly... I felt gulity on my part that I had adverse reactions towards her...
I already knew that she felt rather hurt when Ming Ze told her what I said to him... I know that saying sorry now doesn't help very much in whatever happened and the rift between us over the years, but, dear Mary, I hope you would understand that as humans none of us are perfect and in all aspects of our lives we would definitely face disappointments either with ourselves or with other people. So don't blame yourself for not trying hard enough. Its not entirely within your control that such things happen sometimes.
But in saying sorry to you, I really want to stop pretending that I don't know whats going on, and I wish to face this problem and mend it. God recently opened my eyes to see myself as a whole, all good and bad. I am more aware and discovering everyday the flaws I have in myself, and I'm trying to change it. I have learnt my lesson on bad-mouthing people and it ended up hurting people that I care about. So, I'm terribly sorry. I don't really sound like I am in words, but I am.
I hope you would accept this apology and yea... I'm still trying to change for the better... there is so many things that I realised I need to change in me. I'm sincere about it...
Classmates gathering.
Hung out with a couple of secondary school classmates yesterday. Had dinner and some drinks at Breko's Holland V. Everyone still were pretty much the same, except that most of us dressed better now.. :) Catched up about each other's lives and gossipped about some of our classmates/schoolmates too. And Ming Ze blurted out that I told him Mary drank a lot. Did I say that?? :P Oops.... I admit I had a false assumption that Mary clubbed alot. Ok I'm wrong. It seems that sometimes I tend to exaggerate stuff, Mary, if you are reading this, I'm sorry... :P Its false assumption on my part. Learnt the lesson of assuming too much.
Then, as usual, we were going around asking who's attached and who's not... some of the attached broke up recently, and the rest were just out of luck.. haha. And i and Mary were one of those endangered few who never got attached before. Some said not attached for 3 years, some just a few months, some just a few weeks, and me... 20 years... Can I get a long service award for that? But it was a good time catching up, we were more open to talk about things we never touched before in secondary school between guys and girls, like relationships, career plans....
One thing all of us changed is that we opened up a lot. I think everyone agreed that Mary looked different. In fact i think this is the real Mary now. :) In secondary school she was much reserved and stressed by schoolwork, but through her decorations and styles on her belongings and pencil cases, I could tell that she had the potential to flourish more in the arty-farty sector. She's more at ease to express herself now, through her dressing, but I guess her jovial attitude has always been there.......
Ting Chu looked gorgeous ... but she was rather upset that night, had some rift with her boyfriend or something, drank quite abit, wanted to help her feel better but.. somehow I din know what to say, oh well, just hope that things will be better for her...
Ming Ze, is as usual... so crappy, and full of nonsense.
And Wei Bing and Adrian, still the same but more open to chatting with gals, now that all of us are more matured and open to talking with people of different genders.
And me... ARGH!!! MARY N TING CHU STILL REMEMBER MY CRUSH IN SECONDARY SCHOOL!!!!! AND THEY STILL TEASE ME ABOUT IT!!! Damn it... its been 4 years!!4 years since I got over that little crush over this classmate of mine.... and they still took such sadistic pleasure of seeing me go frantic after spreading the news to the guys that I actually liked this classmate! Argh! When they talk among themselves about past crushes and relationships, there is not much reaction. but when it comes to me, they are always amused.... -_-''' why....why......????
Then, the night went deeper, we parted ways at around 11pm. Was quite a nice hang-out. It was a time I really got the chance to talk to keep in touch with Mary again, even though we see each other in school, but we are always with our own cliques, we never got a chance to talk much. And not to forget I got a chance to catchup with the rest too, seeing how all of us mature over time, and still in touch, its quite a good feeling...
Then, as usual, we were going around asking who's attached and who's not... some of the attached broke up recently, and the rest were just out of luck.. haha. And i and Mary were one of those endangered few who never got attached before. Some said not attached for 3 years, some just a few months, some just a few weeks, and me... 20 years... Can I get a long service award for that? But it was a good time catching up, we were more open to talk about things we never touched before in secondary school between guys and girls, like relationships, career plans....
One thing all of us changed is that we opened up a lot. I think everyone agreed that Mary looked different. In fact i think this is the real Mary now. :) In secondary school she was much reserved and stressed by schoolwork, but through her decorations and styles on her belongings and pencil cases, I could tell that she had the potential to flourish more in the arty-farty sector. She's more at ease to express herself now, through her dressing, but I guess her jovial attitude has always been there.......
Ting Chu looked gorgeous ... but she was rather upset that night, had some rift with her boyfriend or something, drank quite abit, wanted to help her feel better but.. somehow I din know what to say, oh well, just hope that things will be better for her...
Ming Ze, is as usual... so crappy, and full of nonsense.
And Wei Bing and Adrian, still the same but more open to chatting with gals, now that all of us are more matured and open to talking with people of different genders.
And me... ARGH!!! MARY N TING CHU STILL REMEMBER MY CRUSH IN SECONDARY SCHOOL!!!!! AND THEY STILL TEASE ME ABOUT IT!!! Damn it... its been 4 years!!4 years since I got over that little crush over this classmate of mine.... and they still took such sadistic pleasure of seeing me go frantic after spreading the news to the guys that I actually liked this classmate! Argh! When they talk among themselves about past crushes and relationships, there is not much reaction. but when it comes to me, they are always amused.... -_-''' why....why......????
Then, the night went deeper, we parted ways at around 11pm. Was quite a nice hang-out. It was a time I really got the chance to talk to keep in touch with Mary again, even though we see each other in school, but we are always with our own cliques, we never got a chance to talk much. And not to forget I got a chance to catchup with the rest too, seeing how all of us mature over time, and still in touch, its quite a good feeling...
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Reality of Life
These days, its hard to differentiate what is exactly reality and what is exactly not reality. Shopping in a Mall, going on a holiday, owning a beautiful home- your ideal decor of space, is it really reality? You are so absorbed in all the senses around you, touch, feel, sight, sounds, tastes, that you are engulfed in the whole experience, you never want it to end.. it seems impossible that these perfect settings can be wrecked. You are so engulfed in the experience, your life means all these things.. you put your heart and soul into designing and owning your dream home, you work so hard and spend it off on buying items that seem so necessary to yourlifestyle, like the latest gadgets, the accessories that you wear etc etc... you cling on to all these things.
Yet, come the tsunami, come Katrina, wipe off all that is tangible, what are you left? You take pride in your home- it is flattened, you live your life shopping in a mall- it is gone, you take pride in your work- but your workplace cease to function in such situations, what are you left with to find meaning in life, when nature, the reality of the world, the natural disasters, the world that is not created by society, back to the basics, just ground, air, water, plants and animals(Think they already are largely non-existent), stripped down to your naked self, what do you hold in life? What if society ceases to function one day? Remove your current role in society, remove your status, in the end everyone will seem the same. All that you value in life, possession, wealth, looks, does it matter anymore? Think again...
This seems far-fetched doesn't it? Its hard to imagine life without electricity, light, without buildings, without a structure, but yet again, it is as real as it can get. It takes a bomb, a natural disaster to collapse society just within a day. Why can't it happen? I ask again, what is your aim/ meaning in life? To earn your first million? To get famous and rich? To own your ideal sports car? To earn money in all ways and means to indulge in a luxurious life before you die? Think again. You never know on the day when all these might just collapse in front of you. What else would you hold on to when these happens?
Yet, come the tsunami, come Katrina, wipe off all that is tangible, what are you left? You take pride in your home- it is flattened, you live your life shopping in a mall- it is gone, you take pride in your work- but your workplace cease to function in such situations, what are you left with to find meaning in life, when nature, the reality of the world, the natural disasters, the world that is not created by society, back to the basics, just ground, air, water, plants and animals(Think they already are largely non-existent), stripped down to your naked self, what do you hold in life? What if society ceases to function one day? Remove your current role in society, remove your status, in the end everyone will seem the same. All that you value in life, possession, wealth, looks, does it matter anymore? Think again...
This seems far-fetched doesn't it? Its hard to imagine life without electricity, light, without buildings, without a structure, but yet again, it is as real as it can get. It takes a bomb, a natural disaster to collapse society just within a day. Why can't it happen? I ask again, what is your aim/ meaning in life? To earn your first million? To get famous and rich? To own your ideal sports car? To earn money in all ways and means to indulge in a luxurious life before you die? Think again. You never know on the day when all these might just collapse in front of you. What else would you hold on to when these happens?
The 10 Weirdest things about me.
10. If you look my display picture, I wore a pair of specs. But, I have PERFECT eyesight. So, that's a pair of fake specs I own.
9. I have a bald patch the size of a 50 cent coin on the left side of my head, covered by my hair(obviously). Don't ask me why, I was born with the bald patch.
8. I adore arms that have 1 or 2 veins protruding. Too many veins protruding will look scary, just a few. Even for the girls. I find them sexy. Read this, Cher Ling. *wink*
7. I talk to myself in my mind very often.
6. I have eaten rice soaked in milk as a dessert before. And I enjoy it.
5. I don't know how to burp. I belch only a handful number of times in a year, the gas escapes out of my throat by accident. I seriously cannot burp at will. I fart though...
4. I hate waiting. I would rather walk a 20 minute walk home than wait for a bus that doesn't come regularly. I would rather climb the stairs to find a toilet at a higher level, than to queue for the cubicles.
3. I wax my legs. I like the pain. And of course waxing gives the skin a smoother feel.
2. I have crappy names for my email addresses and blogs. Meiyen104, my email add. So crappy, 104 is my block number. Rosieyan, so auntie. Hey, but my surname is Phua. so maybe in 10-20 years time I can be called Rosie Phua!!! And dress like a tai tai.
1. I like the smell of petrol stations and old musky lifts. Since young I liked the smell. Dun know why.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
James Blunt- You're Beautiful
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F***king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,I will never be with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ahh... this song hit the no 1 spot in the British hit list... It brings a smile to my face... I think that is why its so popular... this song can identify with everyone in their daily lives of bumping into eye candies..
I'm pretty sure all of us have met strangers at the oddest places and have our eyes glued to them, somehow, even if you try your best to avoid looking into their direction. For girls, I look into their eyes and casually look away (usually I stare at them to study their dress sense... haha). For guys, I call it electrocution of the eyes. I would somehow catch their glance, panic and start frantically looking all around. It happens all the time, even when I'm not attracted to them. Maybe its just that I'm more awkward having eye contact with people of the opposite sex.
Oh of course, there are the really good looking ones out there, with style and all... @_@ and sometimes I'll just get so lost looking at them, and when they catch my eye, I get embarassed and start twirling my eyes at all other directions. Think sometimes they know that I'm staring at them and after stealing somemore glances I saw that they look even more pleased with themselves, that people are ogling at them. Haha. Most of the time this happens on the bus, when I'm bored at start gazing at people waiting for buses at the bus stops, or on a crowded bus where they have to stand in the middle of the aisle and its so crowded that your face is just fixed on them. Or when they have to sit on seats that face the rest of the passengers on the bus. Its quite hard to avoid eye contact in such cases. :P
And the worst case scenario: Both of us have eye contact with each other, panic and start turning away frantically at the same time. And after sometime, it happens again and again, increasing panic levels each time. That is super awkward.
But I remember one such scenario that turned out to be very sweet. It happened a few months back, when I was working as an usherer for the APRU summit. That time, I had to wear very formal clothing and had to have a presentable appearance, so my hair was very neat and I had to apply makeup and all.. I was in the ballroom where the delegates were having a breakfast conference, and there was this very cute boyish looking waiter who served them tea. He looked at me and gave me a slight smile, and I returned that little smile back to him; I thought he did that out of courtesy as I was dressed in a very "high class" way. Maybe he felt that it was appropriate that he should greet me, I thought. And I returned the next morning for the same event. I was on the phone when he walked past me and he actually turned back and gave me a very sweet smile!! Ahh!!!! Not that kind of smile where he felt he had to give out of courtesy, can't explain.. Anyway.. it just made my day after that... Yeah.. and like that song, I thought I saw an angel, but I know I will never be with him. Its just plain infatuation. Yep, and after that day I never saw him again, but I prefer it to remain this way, this simple, sweet encounter with an eye candy, no complications, no overtly passionate feelings, just mildly sweet. :)
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F***king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,I will never be with you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ahh... this song hit the no 1 spot in the British hit list... It brings a smile to my face... I think that is why its so popular... this song can identify with everyone in their daily lives of bumping into eye candies..
I'm pretty sure all of us have met strangers at the oddest places and have our eyes glued to them, somehow, even if you try your best to avoid looking into their direction. For girls, I look into their eyes and casually look away (usually I stare at them to study their dress sense... haha). For guys, I call it electrocution of the eyes. I would somehow catch their glance, panic and start frantically looking all around. It happens all the time, even when I'm not attracted to them. Maybe its just that I'm more awkward having eye contact with people of the opposite sex.
Oh of course, there are the really good looking ones out there, with style and all... @_@ and sometimes I'll just get so lost looking at them, and when they catch my eye, I get embarassed and start twirling my eyes at all other directions. Think sometimes they know that I'm staring at them and after stealing somemore glances I saw that they look even more pleased with themselves, that people are ogling at them. Haha. Most of the time this happens on the bus, when I'm bored at start gazing at people waiting for buses at the bus stops, or on a crowded bus where they have to stand in the middle of the aisle and its so crowded that your face is just fixed on them. Or when they have to sit on seats that face the rest of the passengers on the bus. Its quite hard to avoid eye contact in such cases. :P
And the worst case scenario: Both of us have eye contact with each other, panic and start turning away frantically at the same time. And after sometime, it happens again and again, increasing panic levels each time. That is super awkward.
But I remember one such scenario that turned out to be very sweet. It happened a few months back, when I was working as an usherer for the APRU summit. That time, I had to wear very formal clothing and had to have a presentable appearance, so my hair was very neat and I had to apply makeup and all.. I was in the ballroom where the delegates were having a breakfast conference, and there was this very cute boyish looking waiter who served them tea. He looked at me and gave me a slight smile, and I returned that little smile back to him; I thought he did that out of courtesy as I was dressed in a very "high class" way. Maybe he felt that it was appropriate that he should greet me, I thought. And I returned the next morning for the same event. I was on the phone when he walked past me and he actually turned back and gave me a very sweet smile!! Ahh!!!! Not that kind of smile where he felt he had to give out of courtesy, can't explain.. Anyway.. it just made my day after that... Yeah.. and like that song, I thought I saw an angel, but I know I will never be with him. Its just plain infatuation. Yep, and after that day I never saw him again, but I prefer it to remain this way, this simple, sweet encounter with an eye candy, no complications, no overtly passionate feelings, just mildly sweet. :)
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