For all the cares in the world..... heck it.

Wishing to be like someone else.... but I know I is I,

I is who I is.

I is have to live with me-self. Not in the image of someone else.

bjDhUgNwNjOpWnAhDmTxOWiRgIsfTsdfE....

I'm just posting cos i have not posted for sometime. :)

I have came across something new, something exciting, passionate, deep, powerful....

Seeing the same thing with a new perspective,

thats interesting, cos then everything has seem different and new

I am waiting to see the transformation,

waiting for the fire to be ablaze

Emancipating for the birth of something........

waiting, hoping, praying....

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.....

Its been... quite a week. Many things went through my mind, and many uncertainties yet to come. Suddenly, after getting back some badly graded papers, I felt that the risk I had taken to graduate a year later was becoming dangerous. I'm forced to consider graduation this year. But because of my special semester, I will not be able to graduate on time, which means no ceremony.

T_T .....

All my near 20 years of studying... no celebration to mark this event.....

I did cry over it. Like CRY. Its not just this matter, but also at the fear of the unknown, and the fear of what is to come.... maybe its entering a new phase of life. Very uncertain. Somehow, at that point in time everything felt uncertain. My life, my faith etc. What I study sometimes contradicts my faith. It makes me question of the inequalities. It makes me cynical. When something you hold on to dearly doesn't seem substantial anymore, you find your life meaningless. And that is bad.

But somehow I refused to see the validity of my life just based on the paper chase. I refuse to channel my all into something that the system makes everyone do; enter this world, study, get a job, retire and die. I mean... its good to have good grades for the future, but to get overtly worried over it till the point of breaking, is really not worth it.

So I turn back to the promises of God, that He holds my future. That in Him, I trust with my whole being, and I will rely on Him for strength. Its not easy, really, trusting someone intangible, but once I was able to let down my own guard and just believe and rely, really there is this peace in my heart that prevents me from getting the anxiety attacks I used to have.

Sigh.. life's a struggle, but its worth it with real good frens to be there for me to have sweet Jesus to love me.

:)

The threat

Usually I don't find men a threat. I mean, they are guys, and the standards will be different. They are the gentlemen and I let them do all the things they offer, give their seat, open the doors, etc.... while I act bimbotic around them.. "ahh the door is tooooo heavy..... oh..oh.. its closing on me!!!! *whimpers*" OR "Ohhh my heeels are killing me... can you offer me a seat? Preettty please??? *flutters eyelids*" (HAHAHAA)

BUT.... when they tread into MY territory.... I first of all, do not find them a potential or attractive anymore. Secondly, I feel very threatened suddenly about my own capablities not only as a woman, but as me as an individual. MY EGO.

Men... read this.... Do not boast about your cooking skills in front of me. Even if u can cook/ bake better (cross my fingers I hope not)

I don't know why, but when men talk about cooking, it seems very scary. They turn cooking techniques into some regimental, solemn ritual. Mahybe its their low voices. Maybe its the way they look at me seriously when they talk cooking. It says "Don't mess around with cookng. tkae it seriously"

When I cook, its always a fun and leisurely thing. A little this and that, get the kitchen messy, scream when things are overcooked, laugh at it, crack stupid jokes while I'm cooking. A very feminine feel about it. But when you get men into the conversation, (apart from Jamie Oliver) they seem to tell you that you need the best ingredients, the best techniques, and everything seems to have a more professional light towards it. Even they way they describe their cooking. Strange, all the men I spoke to seem to be best at pasta. So, pasta is a MAN thing huh? Wadeva.

But, yea, so far my conversations with guys are quite stressful when it comes to cooking. It puts me off that they sound more professional than me. I think its the female ego in me. That women should fare better in this. That I should be the one to fatten MY man. Its MY job as the WOman, to feed and fatten the man. Raarrrr!!!!!!

Bus Stop talk

I bumped into my primary/ secondary classmate while going home today. She lives in the block opposite me. We always had bus stop talks, since my JC days. We walked to the bus stop that stood in between our blocks. Bus after bus came, but we still sat there and kept in touch with each other our lives....

Our lives have gone through so much since our primary school days, she used to be one of the tallest in school (I'm still shorter than her) and I remembered how we would hang out together and how she, being the bigger and braver one, would grab my hand while we crossed the road illegally =) We were never that close, up to the point of being best friends, but we were "get-along-well friends" But in recent years, I felt I could relate to her better, it was enjoyable talking to her, we could go on for hours.

So she now works as a nurse in an operating theatre. Things can get pretty traumatic there, sometimes lives can be lost, sometimes things go wrong... as she was relating her experiences to me, she was to the point of tearing, and I sat there, only being able to grasp her emotions only at the tip of the iceberg, for I can never fully understand unless I was in the operating theatre myself. I could only look at her with my most understanding eyes... Fortunately she always looked to God for the source of her strength to be emotionally stable in the operating theatre...

Think we have been through quite a bit of experiences in our own paths of life, but somehow the night air and maybe the nostalgic bus stop or the quiet of our neighbourhood romanitcizes the place, our feelings and thoughts get conveyed more easily.

So it was a nice reflecting, good old catching up one hour talk... good ol' fren...

Enter the horseshoe crab/ sting ray

I have snipped off my long mane. Should have done that a long time ago. Damn, it was so messy (it still is)
I cut a bob with a tail. It looks like a horseshoe crab, and many others say a sting ray.

Last week was a very busy week for me. I had to complete 2 essays. On top of that, I fell sick. Wisdom tooth was growing and inflamed, and my flu was bad. Spent the weekend recuperating, baking, doing the things I wanted to do.

Oh I baked apple muffins. Delicious. Apple pie filling and muffin batter. Not bad. Next time I will try pineapple buttercream sponge cake. My parents say I can set up a cake shop next time. Amycakes? Madame Phua's Cakes and Pastries? Rosie's cakes? Aunty Rosie cakes? Phua Pte Ltd cake shop? Ame bon appetit von cake(what language is that?!?)

-_-'''