Days of writing... revived (?)

Writing.... is part of my life, part of who I am. Writing helped to define who I am, writing helped in my struggles reconciling flesh and thoughts, between what I appeared on the outside and who I really am on the inside. 

I grew up as an awkward person, using my body to resist typical norms and practices, yet at the same time, being affected by it. My refusal to sensualize myself as a teen, my appearance always looking lost and un-transcending the borders of a child and womanhood, was a sort of resistance to the pressures around me that told me what I should conform to. Yet, these very acts I put on myself, put a strain on me as I observed the reactions people had towards me, and I felt, at that point, rejected and hating on myself, hating on the world. Writing, drawing, dreaming, was that escape into my own world, where I could be myself, above flesh, into the world of human consciousness, larger than life. 

The days of blogging are almost over, visual technologies advanced so much that visuals are texts today. Videos and pictures depict daily life. Sometimes I still struggle over "millennial" styled pictures where I cannot appreciate how the picture is in anyway related to the caption. But as I move along with #insta trends, and busy-ness, I stopped writing. I started painting, baking making other stuffs. But something felt missing. I cannot seem to find completeness in the things I create, without words to reflect who I am. 

Words are life.

My writing and thought processes also needs to be honed. Since I am doing a PhD, writing is essential. I need to learn to write daily, write efficiently, improve the way in which I express professionally, academically. I need to be deft with words, so that it can come out of my mouth beautifully and coherently. 

This post commences the start of journal-ling my thoughts, (as I depart from posting on Facebook), to  let my readers aka friends and family get a sense of how I am doing, what I am doing, whats on my mind without me having to explain to them only when I get back home. 

Looking back...

This is me, revisiting my blog of 9 years, looking back at the hey day of posts that I blogged from 2006-2008. The younger me, more emotional, more hyperactive and searching for the identity that seals me. Looking back, its a long way I have come. A long, long way. I've seen the world much, traveled much and stayed at a place shun by many. I took the step of faith and plunged myself into a world unfamiliar, and I am happy with that decision in my life. My emotions are more stable, people don't frighten me as much as last time, and I'm more open with my feelings. Even the journeys ahead doesn't seem to frighten me as much as before.

My relationship with God has no longer been based on my emotions, but based on trust and knowing Him. I surely can still do better in my devotions with Him, which has been lacking of some time. My brain is not as active as usual and my thoughts have become a tad duller. Thats why I reckoned coming back to blogging, to put out my thoughts into physical words can churn some deep thinking and reflections in my life.

Personal problems/ family problems still do exist in my life, but I have matured in my ways of handling the situations. No longer I base so much expectations and emphasis of what my parents think or react towards me; in some ways there are still some expectations, but I have ceased to relate my own self worth with their actions and words to me. If one can speak of a kind of detachment in the world, it is to be to know who I am in God, my self worth and potentials as a person, than to expect anyone else to define who I am. I am still trying to learn and apply this into my life, but its a practice I gained over staying away for some time, and learning to be financially independent as well.

As of late, I'm in need again of some consolidation of my thoughts, of my mother and sister chewing my brains away from the recent Taiwan trip. I'm not interested to recall the details, but I just wished sometimes more empathy and understanding can be shown by my mother. To be faulted, maligned over tiny details of buying/ not buying things, managing finances and not even asking whether I was coping well, as really a little too unsympathetic. But as my sister had ate my brains first before the trip, I'm too tired even to feel angry. I just feel... numb. I think there are better things to worry about than this, like my future PhD journey ahead, which is really a little daunting for me.

2 Timothy 1:7New International Version ^: For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Why do I feel like I've seen far more than my actual time on earth?

Why does the heart seem so burdened and heavy?

Why are the things around me out of control and beyond my means?

The world is huge and lofty

Mere humanity, with egos larger than life

Attempts to build a palace from their flimsy nests

Which gets crumbled by the sweep of the earth

Did we realise we were'nt made to reign

But only made in our own limits

To be accountable watchmen

Of the things bestowed to us

Issues come crashing to us like the tidal waves

What can we do?

We are as small as the ants to the waves

We patch on the delicate surface

Which simply gets torn

With just a ripple from the waters

Did we realise we were not made to reign

A huge world with its universe will not be tamed by men

The cosmic laws bow not to us

What is man?

Who appears like a mist in this place

And vanishes soon after,

Leaving but a little trace?

Lord You live in a high and holy place
But still you cared for the lowly man
That you swapped your throne for the cross
That painful cross that dreadful place
Did we even deserve it Lord,
That you would die for us
As You took on all our shame and guilt
The very thought of You
Feeling the wood pierce through
Brings fear to my heart
I love You Lord What sacrifice is this?
No other love can compete
With my perfect Lord

I love you Father.

Still do. So much.

Its so amazing that I can always come back to you no matter what happens, and you will just wipe the dirt off my face and my pants and get me going again.

And I'll fall, and stand again, and fall, and stand... knowing that you will always be ahead of me catching my fall.

Hello, old and familiar place.

Its been nearly a year since I posted something.

I'm back to this familiar zone of crushed feelings again. Lots of changes happened since then, lots of plans to be carried out and lots of expectations going on.

In the midst of it, my soul slipped away in time, in neglect.

The familiar and strangely attractive pain of loneliness has left my life. My life has been filled with joy, love, comfort and indulgence. But yet, a part of it misses that familiar feeling of the solitude that I could find in the depth of the night with the Spirit. Or perhaps, I haven been disciplined enough to find that solitude, have not been solemn enough to enter my secret garden again.

What do I really want in my life? What do I purpose for? What am I bothered about? What am I not doing? What is going on in my heart that I am not processing?

Everything's a blur. Nothing is firm. The Spirit is absent.

Need to get it back again.

sometimes I feel this way.

I am a mis-fit

I am not who you expect me to be

I skive, I slacken, I have my vices

maybe deep down inside you shake your head

but I dont really care how you think.

I know who I am. I'm not putting up a show for you

I am what I am, flaws and all.

if you think I cant do it,

I so prove to you I can

I can

Take me away to another world,

Where you can see my true self.

Everyone true to themselves, hearts glaringly open

Hearts burning with passion, unfazed, strong and galliant

Like a wild horse galloping against the wind, so free.

No restraints, no misunderstandings

See me as I am, beyond my skin,

To the core of my heart.

My blog is back.

From the months of not writing, I became less than who I am. I forgot what was I.

I guess writing is a part of my life, without it I lose my meaning.

The thoughts and rambles acculmulate in my head, and they are all clogged up there.

There is no order, no system of thinking till I let them out and organize my thoughts on screen.

I'm glad to have this blog back.

I'm glad the writing streak has come back to me again.

It means I still think and live.

I am... in a state of emotional wreckage.



Whatever I thought I was and I could.... is now just a bubble drifting away and ready to disappear in thin air in moments due.



What is going through my mind?



I don't know. I can't seem to think. My life just gushes past me and I get swept away with the flow, bruised and grazed along with the gush.



I feel empty and lost again, fearful of myself and others.



Every effort I make to do something gets squashed. Whatever I planned to do, does not come to light, and when I see that others are getting ahead of me, I think back of the pact I made with God and I feel guilty to have said what I said and to be in this place.



I just cannot keep up with my life, my table is in a mess, I'm late for all occasions, work, classes, etc



I cannot keep up with all the homework that has been given to me, I cannot keep up with following up with people, and it does hurt when people pressurize or laugh at me because I forget things.



I am a living zombie, unable to know how to feel at certain points in time, and the only thing that keeps me alive and breathing is my food and my sleep.