Why do I feel like I've seen far more than my actual time on earth?

Why does the heart seem so burdened and heavy?

Why are the things around me out of control and beyond my means?

The world is huge and lofty

Mere humanity, with egos larger than life

Attempts to build a palace from their flimsy nests

Which gets crumbled by the sweep of the earth

Did we realise we were'nt made to reign

But only made in our own limits

To be accountable watchmen

Of the things bestowed to us

Issues come crashing to us like the tidal waves

What can we do?

We are as small as the ants to the waves

We patch on the delicate surface

Which simply gets torn

With just a ripple from the waters

Did we realise we were not made to reign

A huge world with its universe will not be tamed by men

The cosmic laws bow not to us

What is man?

Who appears like a mist in this place

And vanishes soon after,

Leaving but a little trace?

Lord You live in a high and holy place
But still you cared for the lowly man
That you swapped your throne for the cross
That painful cross that dreadful place
Did we even deserve it Lord,
That you would die for us
As You took on all our shame and guilt
The very thought of You
Feeling the wood pierce through
Brings fear to my heart
I love You Lord What sacrifice is this?
No other love can compete
With my perfect Lord

I love you Father.

Still do. So much.

Its so amazing that I can always come back to you no matter what happens, and you will just wipe the dirt off my face and my pants and get me going again.

And I'll fall, and stand again, and fall, and stand... knowing that you will always be ahead of me catching my fall.

Hello, old and familiar place.

Its been nearly a year since I posted something.

I'm back to this familiar zone of crushed feelings again. Lots of changes happened since then, lots of plans to be carried out and lots of expectations going on.

In the midst of it, my soul slipped away in time, in neglect.

The familiar and strangely attractive pain of loneliness has left my life. My life has been filled with joy, love, comfort and indulgence. But yet, a part of it misses that familiar feeling of the solitude that I could find in the depth of the night with the Spirit. Or perhaps, I haven been disciplined enough to find that solitude, have not been solemn enough to enter my secret garden again.

What do I really want in my life? What do I purpose for? What am I bothered about? What am I not doing? What is going on in my heart that I am not processing?

Everything's a blur. Nothing is firm. The Spirit is absent.

Need to get it back again.

sometimes I feel this way.

I am a mis-fit

I am not who you expect me to be

I skive, I slacken, I have my vices

maybe deep down inside you shake your head

but I dont really care how you think.

I know who I am. I'm not putting up a show for you

I am what I am, flaws and all.

if you think I cant do it,

I so prove to you I can

I can

Take me away to another world,

Where you can see my true self.

Everyone true to themselves, hearts glaringly open

Hearts burning with passion, unfazed, strong and galliant

Like a wild horse galloping against the wind, so free.

No restraints, no misunderstandings

See me as I am, beyond my skin,

To the core of my heart.

My blog is back.

From the months of not writing, I became less than who I am. I forgot what was I.

I guess writing is a part of my life, without it I lose my meaning.

The thoughts and rambles acculmulate in my head, and they are all clogged up there.

There is no order, no system of thinking till I let them out and organize my thoughts on screen.

I'm glad to have this blog back.

I'm glad the writing streak has come back to me again.

It means I still think and live.

I am... in a state of emotional wreckage.



Whatever I thought I was and I could.... is now just a bubble drifting away and ready to disappear in thin air in moments due.



What is going through my mind?



I don't know. I can't seem to think. My life just gushes past me and I get swept away with the flow, bruised and grazed along with the gush.



I feel empty and lost again, fearful of myself and others.



Every effort I make to do something gets squashed. Whatever I planned to do, does not come to light, and when I see that others are getting ahead of me, I think back of the pact I made with God and I feel guilty to have said what I said and to be in this place.



I just cannot keep up with my life, my table is in a mess, I'm late for all occasions, work, classes, etc



I cannot keep up with all the homework that has been given to me, I cannot keep up with following up with people, and it does hurt when people pressurize or laugh at me because I forget things.



I am a living zombie, unable to know how to feel at certain points in time, and the only thing that keeps me alive and breathing is my food and my sleep.

Its time to move on.

I have been many things at many times chasing after many things.

Those days of longing, those days of inadequacies, those days of desiring.

Now I want none.

Goodbye goodbye, lost and confused one.

Today I am Amy Phua, stepped out from my old shell,

Bestowed with grace and might,

Unworthy as I deserve such privilege,

But the work begins.

What do you hold on to?


Perhaps I have reached this point of life, where I am going through some sort of adjustment and crisis.

I wake up, go to work, go for my usual routined activities, come home, settle down and plop back to sleep. Everyday.

On weekends, I wake up early, go to church, have some time in between to settle my errands, squeeze in time for outings, back to service, go home and plop to bed. On Sundays, my mornings are spent on runs, church or lazing at home, running more personal errands. And quite often, I'm out of house for a gathering/ outing/ getaway/ etc.

Yet in between running from place to place, there is this void. There is this unfamiliarity in the familiar, and many things that I cant see fit.

As I was walking home this morning from my morning devotion and some chatting with a friend, I recalled the grosteque picture I saw in the papers of the bombings in Jarkata, of this Switzerland/ Swedish man, just an ordinary man, with half his face blasted off, his flesh exposing. Just a man, going about a business trip, staying in a hotel.

I'm sure he has a life back home. I'm sure he, like all of us, are occupied with the things in his life. Work, family, friends, leisure etc... And I don't think he ever knew that his life would end just like that. Nobody knows, neither do I.

How would you be feeling at that point in time if you were that man? Fear, at a loss, shock, disbelief, trauma and being shaken out of the mundane.

What do you see when you are shaken out of your paradigm and your social circle? I see the hollow pillars and perishable foundations of the things I get so entrenched in. Pop culture, looking good, politics at work, relations with people, even the very stresses and obstacles I face at this point in time. Do all these give me answers to life? no.

It seems totally absurd to me that one should just live your life to the most exciting and fullest in all sense (or senselessly), enjoying thrills from one moment to the next just because "life is short, live it"

What the hell is life!!! If life is so short and transitory, why bother for the existence! If I'm just a flower that exists and withers in a split second of history, why is there life on earth?

Why do so many of us go about living blindly and not hungry to search for the answers to life? Living from day to day being only concerned with short-termed physiological needs, but what happened to the realisation of one's soul and spirit? Yea... maybe you can wait till the day before your last breath on this place, then you go find out more about life beyond what you wear and what you eat.

There is one thing I learnt about myself....

PMS is REAL and it DOES EXIST.