Hi all... Have not been posting for sooo long. My blog is as good as dead.

Well, since my di di Caleb was astonished at the photo of my 3 years back, thought I would share the horrors with all of you guys so that u cannot sleep.

So this is me 3 years ago:

Well... at least this is the more recent picture of myself....

Frustrated....

When will I ever not fear? When will I ever breakthrough my old window of perspectives?

Please deconstruct my world... show me a new world view, one that is refreshing and full.

Baaah

Lord of All

A re-iteration of the nature of God in the heart of nature....

Lord of all lords

Lord of All

Lord of comfort, in a warm cave admist a blizzard

Lord of beauty, in the invention of spring

Lord of love, in Your love for man

Lord of sweetness, in Your craft of flowers and squirrels

Lord of magnificence, in the formation of grand towering mountains

Lord of fear, in the storms and thunder that claps

Lord of discipline, through years of weathering that formed the desert rose,

Lord of wrath, in the volcanoes that explode

Lord of All, for in Your Spirit heaven and earth is created,

Lord of Judgement, for You are Lord, and the only worthy One to judge.

The Irony of a Populated Shopping Market

Hi guys!

I'm back! Sorry the Thailand pictures have to wait, I am fighting with time every day nowadays.

The past few weeks have been cool. There are a million things forming up in the nebula of my mind.

Thought I would share some pennies of my thoughts.


Re-defining myself

I have, reached a premature mid-life crisis. At the new phase of my life, I have been trying to make sense of my identity- as a female. (woman sounds still too virtuous for my age)
And increasingly inspired by others, a woman of substance.

I contemplated a reason for our creation. I wrote a poem.

Woman of God

Gentle and faithful
Tender and loving
Out of Adam's ribs we were formed
What is it, the nature of women
That though we are creatures meek and docile,
but yet even the greatest nations on earth
can come tumbling at our feet. (think of Troy)

When God formed the world,
He formed the valiant and the strong,
Like the mountains and the oceans.
But deep in His heart,
Was a place for love, tenderness, and beauty
That which He created in the image of Himself,
The woman.

The nuture of a mother
The kiss of a wife,
The smile of a lady
Can make the great things of the world
Seem so small,
Like nothing at all

Yes, women
God's precious sweet flowers
How treasured are we.
Behold how we were made to be loved!

Such faithful beings,
in the Lord's creation.

The wonders of women.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The reason for penning down such thoughts was the result of my reflection in relationships that I pondered, relationships of my friends, the nature of role-playing.

This is the age where we all mature and ripen like fruits. We become of age to take on the next phase of life. I pondered on my existence. Many women do not find themselves beautiful or worthy. If they are single, they might think they are not beautiful enough, or too uncouth to attract a man's heart. If they are attached, they thrive on the affirmation that their spouse gives. If they break up, they feel unloved and unworthy. Well, at least for myself, I do feel it this way sometimes.

But beauty comes not from men's praises. It stems forth from knowing that we are complete in Christ, when we walk in the right way and we do things that uphold our integrity. Because then at the end of the day, I can proudly say, I have lived meaningfully. Beauty, is in the warmth of a smile, in the twinkling of happy eyes. Most of all, beauty is natural. Satisfaction and gladness is best when stemmed from within.

Why do I dress up for? Who do I dress up for? What impression I give from my appearance? These questions I constantly ask myself. Alas, we have to know that women are shrewd creatures too, who tempted Adam, and many other kings.
Woman, though you are defeated and humilated, walk in humility. Dress not to spite or to offend.
Dress pleasingly. =)

Hope this blesses your day.

The knot from within....


There is a knot within me;

I can't seem to describe it.

I try to cry but I can't cry,

I try to be cheery but am burdened;

I don't know what is this.

There is a new strength growing from within,
hardened and weathered

But yet the past seems too tightly wound around my heart,
for the new to grow.

Is this what they mean by

"And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins." Luke 5:37-38

My Origins!!!


This is so cool man... I was on the bus today, reflecting about my roots and my ancestors. I wanted to have a rough idea of where I came from.



For those who don't know: I'm teochew, and my surname is Pan. (Phua in dialect). My ancestors came from Swatow area, which means that if they did not migrate to Singapore, I would be a southern Chinese today. (Can't picture that.... :P)



My first search tells me that I'm a min chinese. The dialect I speak is min-nan, a derivation of chinese language. Okay, so this goes to show that my ethnicity is of Han chinese. It seems that I already know all these. But no, I was not happy to just know this. I want to know my origins waaaaaaaayyyyyy back in time, almost to the begining of civilisation. I combed the internet for this and here is what I got.



The origins of the Teochews.


The ancestors of the teochews are "generally believed to have moved from Central China to present day Chaosan (near Swatow) during civil wars in the Jin dynasty." The Jin dynasty is dated from AD 265-420.



Then I went to search for my surname Pan. This is what I found:



The surname Pan descended from Zhuan Xu (Gao Yang Shi) dated 2513-2435 B.C who is the grandson of Huang Di and son of Chang Yi in the Five Kingdom (Wu Di) period (2,697 - 2,205 B.C.) And............




Huang Di was the descendant of Fu Xi and Nu Huo, who were said to be the origins of mankind in the San Huang Wu Di era, the very very beginings of Chinese history.




Origins of mankind...isn't that Adam and Eve? And interestingly, this is what it says of Fuxi and NuHuo/ Nuwa:



"The common ancestors of the Chinese race are often regarded as Fu Xi and Nu Huo. According to the legend, they were brother and sister (children of God), but also husband and wife. It puzzled historians why Fu Xi and Nu Huo were often depicted as having human upper body, but with the lower body of a serpent. In light of the Bible's teaching, it's likely that Fu Xi and Nu Huo were Adam and Eve, and that the serpent bodies depict their fallen state as they were deceived by Satan (the serpent)" Website: http://www.yutopian.com/names/nametree.html





Picture of Fuxi and Nuwa taken from: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/4/4d/NuWa_Fuxi_CMyth.jpg





For those of you who don't know the timeline of the Chinese history:



This is taken from wikipeida:


ANCIENT HISTORY
3 Sovereigns and 5 Emperors (origins of Fuxi and NuWa, the begining of civilisation, and Zhuan Yu my greatest ancestor, the grandson of Huangdi, the son of Fuxi)
Xia Dynasty 2100–1600 BC
Shang Dynasty 1600–1046 BC
Zhou Dynasty 1122–256 BC
Western Zhou
Eastern Zhou
Spring and Autumn Period
Warring States Period

IMPERIAL HISTORY
Qin Dynasty 221 BC–206 BC
Han Dynasty 206 BC–220 AD
Western Han
Xin Dynasty
Eastern Han
Three Kingdoms 220–280
Wei, Shu & Wu
Jin Dynasty 265–420 (where the Teochews moved from central China to Chaosan (Swatow area)
Western Jin
Eastern Jin
16 Kingdoms304–439
Southern & Northern Dynasties 420–589
Sui Dynasty 581–619
Tang Dynasty 618–907
( Second Zhou 690–705 )
5 Dynasties &10 Kingdoms907–960
Liao Dynasty907–1125
Song Dynasty960–1279
Northern Song
W. Xia Dyn.
Southern Song
Jin Dyn.
Yuan Dynasty 1271–1368
Ming Dynasty 1368–1644
Qing Dynasty 1644–1911

MODERN History
Republic of China 1912–1949
People's Republicof China 1949–present
1949-1976 1976-1989 1989-2002 2002-present (I'm a result of Chinese diaspora!!!!) Me!me! me!
Republic of China(on Taiwan)



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



In addition, I did a biblical search and found that the roots of chinese culture and language are actually similar to many biblical origins: the language itself:



Check this website: http://www.windmillministries.org/frames/CH12A.htm






Just to give one example, the word yuan. Yuan means the begining. And the begining of mankind started with 2 people, or rather, in the above word, "child". Two creations of God. =)

Pei Qi must be very interested in this yea?? :)

So, after a night of internet search, I have found my origins to human kind- A descendant of Adam and Eve, and a (possible) descendant of the sumerians (Middle-Eastern origins). *Gasp* I wonder what happened to my deep-set eyes and very strong features. All I have now is chinky eyes, and a flat nose bridge!!!


Of course, this is not to say that all the websites I found are politically accurate. Please do not take this as the absolute information.


So what about you guys? Go find your roots and see your origins beyond just this century!!!!

Make a photobook - it's easy!

Yimin... I found your long lost twin!!!

Have you ever got into situations where you met a fren who looks almost similiar as another fren you know? Well definitely I have...

Of Maternity Clothes and Baby Talk...

Yesterday was my niece's 7th birthday party. My cousin invited her friends and their families as well. As I was so so so bored in the function room, I spent all the time observing the bunch of families as they went about swinging babies and toddlers around the room, chasing after them with bowls of baby food in their hands, carrying fluffy bags packed with milk bottles and diapers.... looking absolutely puffy with huge swollen bellies and struggling to walk with every step...

And I thought to myself, oh....my....goodness.... this is the scenario I will be facing in about 8-10 years???

All of a sudden, from my cool hangout places at cafes and shopping malls, to visiting auntie's house lugging a bunch of wailing kids, from activities like rock climbing and roller blading to activites like rocking-your-baby and playing with the swings at the playground, from buying cool stuff like crumpler bags and oakleys to buying baby stuff like milk bottles and bibs from Motherland......

Eeeek.

I can imagine a scenario where I scream at my husband:" LOOK OUT FOR BABY'S HEAD!!!!He's going to crash into the coffeetable!!!!" And my husband panics and scurries to pick up that tiny tot who doesn't seem to get what it means to crash your head into something hard.... Thats so uncool.

Or maybe a scene where I am struggling with an absolutely swollen belly and when I look into the mirror, I have horrible water retention on my face, I wear ridiculous fluffy clothing and my hair is conveniently cut short and auntie-like (so that I can be comfortable during confinement period).... *Gulp*.....

All these scenes, most probably I will see it in my peers in a short 6-8 years??
Its quite scary... how quickly I see my stages of transition in life... (actually given my age in other cultures its more than time to settle down and have kids)

I won't say I'm really looking forward to such a lifestyle at this present moment, I felt like I just grew up and there are so much more things to discover first...

But its such a strange thing...the cycle of life. First you are forced to grow up, you get into romantic settings in the dim of the night and do romantic things like candlelight dinner, walk in the beach, and you'd pay so much just to look your best, when in 5 years down after your marriage you shed those facades of yourself to reveal your haggard, naggy self, and buying the cheapest grocceries or even generic clothes from Metro for your kids and yourself.

I'm not putting down parents but its really ironical, the stages of life, after spending some time going for deep-meaning plays and watching movies filled with deep meanings you end up watching Barney or Sesame Street most of the time with your kid to entertain him or her. When you borrow books in the library, when you used to borrow Pride and Prejudice now you borrow picture books with HUGE fonts.

Strange, parenthood.

But I guess all these seemingly ridiculous things that young parents do in my opinion are worth it, for it is a life that they are bringing up, a precious life in their hands.

For me??? Naah... not in the near future....

S.W.E.A.T....



The gush of lactic acid into my forearms, feeling the heat of the morning as my body works overtime and exerts the muscles, beads of sweat rolling from my cheeks down to my neck, dripping. As the breeze runs through me, my sweat-stricken body feels the cool chill of the breeze as the perspiration evaporates off my skin. It feels great to be alive.

The sore raw-ness of the skin on my fingers as it grips the rough surface of the rock tile.... how my fingers throb with each push of blood into it.... the adrenaline surge with every lunge I take on the rocks.... its the painful pleasure of being aware of your existence...

Even as one of my fingers ballooned and swelled I am amused at how I sprained it... and only noticed the sprain when I saw my little ballooney finger. The pain concealed beyond the bandage tapes and the soreness of the skin, the pain concealed at my joy and love of the sport. Its all worth it.

At the end of a good back-breaking, muscle-straining climb, I continue my day, reeking of sweat and dusted with chalk, and of course, leaving with a trophy of toned, veiny arms.