My blog is back.
From the months of not writing, I became less than who I am. I forgot what was I.
I guess writing is a part of my life, without it I lose my meaning.
The thoughts and rambles acculmulate in my head, and they are all clogged up there.
There is no order, no system of thinking till I let them out and organize my thoughts on screen.
I'm glad to have this blog back.
I'm glad the writing streak has come back to me again.
It means I still think and live.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I am... in a state of emotional wreckage.
Whatever I thought I was and I could.... is now just a bubble drifting away and ready to disappear in thin air in moments due.
What is going through my mind?
I don't know. I can't seem to think. My life just gushes past me and I get swept away with the flow, bruised and grazed along with the gush.
I feel empty and lost again, fearful of myself and others.
Every effort I make to do something gets squashed. Whatever I planned to do, does not come to light, and when I see that others are getting ahead of me, I think back of the pact I made with God and I feel guilty to have said what I said and to be in this place.
I just cannot keep up with my life, my table is in a mess, I'm late for all occasions, work, classes, etc
I cannot keep up with all the homework that has been given to me, I cannot keep up with following up with people, and it does hurt when people pressurize or laugh at me because I forget things.
I am a living zombie, unable to know how to feel at certain points in time, and the only thing that keeps me alive and breathing is my food and my sleep.
Whatever I thought I was and I could.... is now just a bubble drifting away and ready to disappear in thin air in moments due.
What is going through my mind?
I don't know. I can't seem to think. My life just gushes past me and I get swept away with the flow, bruised and grazed along with the gush.
I feel empty and lost again, fearful of myself and others.
Every effort I make to do something gets squashed. Whatever I planned to do, does not come to light, and when I see that others are getting ahead of me, I think back of the pact I made with God and I feel guilty to have said what I said and to be in this place.
I just cannot keep up with my life, my table is in a mess, I'm late for all occasions, work, classes, etc
I cannot keep up with all the homework that has been given to me, I cannot keep up with following up with people, and it does hurt when people pressurize or laugh at me because I forget things.
I am a living zombie, unable to know how to feel at certain points in time, and the only thing that keeps me alive and breathing is my food and my sleep.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Its time to move on.
I have been many things at many times chasing after many things.
Those days of longing, those days of inadequacies, those days of desiring.
Now I want none.
Goodbye goodbye, lost and confused one.
Today I am Amy Phua, stepped out from my old shell,
Bestowed with grace and might,
Unworthy as I deserve such privilege,
But the work begins.
I have been many things at many times chasing after many things.
Those days of longing, those days of inadequacies, those days of desiring.
Now I want none.
Goodbye goodbye, lost and confused one.
Today I am Amy Phua, stepped out from my old shell,
Bestowed with grace and might,
Unworthy as I deserve such privilege,
But the work begins.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
What do you hold on to?
Perhaps I have reached this point of life, where I am going through some sort of adjustment and crisis.
I wake up, go to work, go for my usual routined activities, come home, settle down and plop back to sleep. Everyday.
On weekends, I wake up early, go to church, have some time in between to settle my errands, squeeze in time for outings, back to service, go home and plop to bed. On Sundays, my mornings are spent on runs, church or lazing at home, running more personal errands. And quite often, I'm out of house for a gathering/ outing/ getaway/ etc.
Yet in between running from place to place, there is this void. There is this unfamiliarity in the familiar, and many things that I cant see fit.
As I was walking home this morning from my morning devotion and some chatting with a friend, I recalled the grosteque picture I saw in the papers of the bombings in Jarkata, of this Switzerland/ Swedish man, just an ordinary man, with half his face blasted off, his flesh exposing. Just a man, going about a business trip, staying in a hotel.
I'm sure he has a life back home. I'm sure he, like all of us, are occupied with the things in his life. Work, family, friends, leisure etc... And I don't think he ever knew that his life would end just like that. Nobody knows, neither do I.
How would you be feeling at that point in time if you were that man? Fear, at a loss, shock, disbelief, trauma and being shaken out of the mundane.
What do you see when you are shaken out of your paradigm and your social circle? I see the hollow pillars and perishable foundations of the things I get so entrenched in. Pop culture, looking good, politics at work, relations with people, even the very stresses and obstacles I face at this point in time. Do all these give me answers to life? no.
It seems totally absurd to me that one should just live your life to the most exciting and fullest in all sense (or senselessly), enjoying thrills from one moment to the next just because "life is short, live it"
What the hell is life!!! If life is so short and transitory, why bother for the existence! If I'm just a flower that exists and withers in a split second of history, why is there life on earth?
Why do so many of us go about living blindly and not hungry to search for the answers to life? Living from day to day being only concerned with short-termed physiological needs, but what happened to the realisation of one's soul and spirit? Yea... maybe you can wait till the day before your last breath on this place, then you go find out more about life beyond what you wear and what you eat.
Perhaps I have reached this point of life, where I am going through some sort of adjustment and crisis.
I wake up, go to work, go for my usual routined activities, come home, settle down and plop back to sleep. Everyday.
On weekends, I wake up early, go to church, have some time in between to settle my errands, squeeze in time for outings, back to service, go home and plop to bed. On Sundays, my mornings are spent on runs, church or lazing at home, running more personal errands. And quite often, I'm out of house for a gathering/ outing/ getaway/ etc.
Yet in between running from place to place, there is this void. There is this unfamiliarity in the familiar, and many things that I cant see fit.
As I was walking home this morning from my morning devotion and some chatting with a friend, I recalled the grosteque picture I saw in the papers of the bombings in Jarkata, of this Switzerland/ Swedish man, just an ordinary man, with half his face blasted off, his flesh exposing. Just a man, going about a business trip, staying in a hotel.
I'm sure he has a life back home. I'm sure he, like all of us, are occupied with the things in his life. Work, family, friends, leisure etc... And I don't think he ever knew that his life would end just like that. Nobody knows, neither do I.
How would you be feeling at that point in time if you were that man? Fear, at a loss, shock, disbelief, trauma and being shaken out of the mundane.
What do you see when you are shaken out of your paradigm and your social circle? I see the hollow pillars and perishable foundations of the things I get so entrenched in. Pop culture, looking good, politics at work, relations with people, even the very stresses and obstacles I face at this point in time. Do all these give me answers to life? no.
It seems totally absurd to me that one should just live your life to the most exciting and fullest in all sense (or senselessly), enjoying thrills from one moment to the next just because "life is short, live it"
What the hell is life!!! If life is so short and transitory, why bother for the existence! If I'm just a flower that exists and withers in a split second of history, why is there life on earth?
Why do so many of us go about living blindly and not hungry to search for the answers to life? Living from day to day being only concerned with short-termed physiological needs, but what happened to the realisation of one's soul and spirit? Yea... maybe you can wait till the day before your last breath on this place, then you go find out more about life beyond what you wear and what you eat.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
What does life entail to each person?
Just when my life felt enshrouded by the things happening around me, the mistakes I done, my carelessness, the nitty gritty things that happened at work, I felt almost buried by it.
Sometimes I wonder to myself, what a pity, because if I don't succeed, I will never be accepted, I will never survive.
I often see myself in the future, if I didn't excel in life; I see myself a jaded old lady, seated in a dark house, waiting for time to pass, to pass away.
Sometimes I lie on my bed in the afternoons and this cold, cold, empty feeling overwhelms me, this void, this meaninglessness, and it scares me.
Is my life really bound to be doomed, bound to be insignificant, bound to just exist for a split second in the span of history?
And yet in this split second of history, this void, unhappiness, unfulfillment felt like eternity, such a damned feeling... feeling useless, unwanted, cast away.
In my brooding, in my hopelessness, I came across a picture on the web:
A breath-taking view of the mountains.
And I reminded myself again, to look up and beyond my troubles, because the essence of my life is not there. It lies in something else, that everyone can have, everyone can understand.
It lies in the beauty of creation, in the love of a Creator, in the love of people.
If I had no love, even if I were the utmost perfect and successful person on earth, life would still suck.
Just when my life felt enshrouded by the things happening around me, the mistakes I done, my carelessness, the nitty gritty things that happened at work, I felt almost buried by it.
Sometimes I wonder to myself, what a pity, because if I don't succeed, I will never be accepted, I will never survive.
I often see myself in the future, if I didn't excel in life; I see myself a jaded old lady, seated in a dark house, waiting for time to pass, to pass away.
Sometimes I lie on my bed in the afternoons and this cold, cold, empty feeling overwhelms me, this void, this meaninglessness, and it scares me.
Is my life really bound to be doomed, bound to be insignificant, bound to just exist for a split second in the span of history?
And yet in this split second of history, this void, unhappiness, unfulfillment felt like eternity, such a damned feeling... feeling useless, unwanted, cast away.
In my brooding, in my hopelessness, I came across a picture on the web:
A breath-taking view of the mountains.
And I reminded myself again, to look up and beyond my troubles, because the essence of my life is not there. It lies in something else, that everyone can have, everyone can understand.
It lies in the beauty of creation, in the love of a Creator, in the love of people.
If I had no love, even if I were the utmost perfect and successful person on earth, life would still suck.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
A day at Pulau Ubin
Life is great.
Because I think I'm starting to find myself.... not in anyone or anything else,
but in You.
:)
Thursday, May 07, 2009
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