Since the day I accepted Jesus into my life, for the whole of the 3- 4 years I have attempted to clear the mess out of my life and have tried to put it back in order again. It has been 3 years, and the mass organization, uprooting and development still continues.
4 years ago my life was a total mess. I followed my unsound mind, chased fancies after fancies, wherever my emotions led me to I followed blindly. There were nights I spent crying and soaking in my utter misery, and where I tried to grasp for any solid fulfillment, they were as empty as dust. Seeking brokeness to fufill brokeness, warpness to fulfill warpness.... morbidity to justify morbidity.
But since then, I have chosen to live my life rightly and with wholesome goodness.
But thats beside the point I want to make here.
I have been complaining to a few friends that even though things now are looking very rosy for me: a good job, a decent family, comfortable lifestyle, sprititual fulfillment, many avenues to express my interests in cooking sports etc..... I still feel this emptiness and inablility to communicate rightly with others. Society has to play a part in this. We don't know how to talk to each other anymore. We "talk" by smses and facebook. And msn, with a lot of "haha"s, "oh I see" and :) or :P to punctuate expressions we forgot how to express.
I complained that no one wants to reach out to me, but in actual fact, I am the one who is shy about letting others reach me at a deeper level.
My root of self-esteem problems probably lie in my inability to communicate and be vulnerable to others. My pastor told me once and recently again; that if I wanted to be a source of support and encouragement to the people around me, I first have to be open to them.
Even as I'm typing away on this blog, its another evidence of the obstacles I face in communication. For one thing, I'm typing away at anyone or no one to read, it seems I'm typing and communicating to myself. It will not help in my whatsoever social relationships with others. Secondly, my blog is only a side of my persona, just like Facebook or Friendster, no one can see or justify the full side of me. Thirdly, in spending time to type about myself on the net, I am spending less time with my family at home right now- less communication.
Therefore, the inner demons and fears and obstacles I have to overcome all lies in one tiny ego( albeit tiny on earth but big enough to consume my being) - ME.
That which I have to throw away. I have been a hindrance to myself.
