My little world of thoughts, I'd never thought I would come back to reread these memories. Why it has been almost 8 years since I created this space.

Who would know life would take me in this crazy direction, writing from a hostel room in Hyderabad, India. It's been a whirlwind of events and emotional journeys I have embarked on. In my lowest and lost moments, I never know I would come back to sort out my thoughts here. What has made me come back? What had upset me? 

In life, all journeys start out promising, but are often met with setbacks. I too, started this journey brimming with promise and hope. But along the way, I felt that I couldn't continue any more. I was reluctant to give myself that discomfort and pressure to continue. But yet, not doing what I thought I should do, also took away the meaning or the purpose of my life, which was once everything to me. The basis and foundation of my relationship, the career choice, the friends I bonded to, all revolved around this basis. Most importantly, to God whom I love and shared such a close relationship to, I swore that I would follow Him. But now, I stand alienated. My failures I couldn't accept. His work seemed too much for me. I wanted the easy way out. I just cannot find the strength to press on any more. I thought of giving up, countless times. I wouldn't even want to start the list of self-pitying and envying about others, that's not even helpful. 

If anything good were to come out of this episode (which I am still mulling in), is that I have learnt truly how to be humble and not think that I am better than others. Who am I to judge others when I am already in such a bad state. Before I am quick to judge, I know everyone has their strengths and flaws. 

There is only one way, and that is forward. 

My grades are  bad, my spirituality down in the dumps. What can I do? There is only one semester left; there is only time I can play with, and hard work. I wouldnt say I will put in hard, hard work, but I guess, for every waking second and minute of feeling that aching failure, I could only try? If I try to pray and plan everyday, at least I could say I tried? 

Life has choices. I could choose to give up on life, and see my future tumble down in darkness, or I could just press on. Why should I press on? What attractions lie in the all- perfect family and life that I would be having? Why would I deserve such wonderful life ahead? Or then I would ask, why would I reject that wonderful gift that God has blessed me with?

Yes I do make mistakes, I do lack wisdom and knowledge, but is that enough that I should feel embarrassed and unaccepting of myself? Or will I blatantly look squarely at life with my cuts, bruises and soiled self?

Written in December 2013