Everyday I wake up to struggles within myself. Struggles of the longing to go home, to spend time with family, friends, to enjoy my beautiful Singapore.
Yet I am here, in what seems like a never ending quest for education. A fellow PhD mate just commented that he has only came across one person who could complete her PhD in 4 years. The rest took longer. I went pale at that. I was hoping to finish it in 3. My heart sank a little. But I will still try to do my best.
It has been 5 years of being transient moving in and out of my country for my studies. And another 3(4?) years more. My heart longs to go home, but my aspirations push me further. Thinking back of all the special moments of friends' weddings I have missed, the moments they had their babies, classmates' gathering, I was not there. Friendships are hard to maintain when one is overseas. Then I will come back after a long time, and we catch up where we stopped. And it goes on, but it always feels like we stopped in time when I'm away, and I come back again and time moves on. Time is subjective. But physical aging is not.
But for the lost time that I disappear, I assume another life in another place. I become an essay churning machine, reading and producing essays one after another, reading theories of strange European thinkers and reproducing them as if I belonged in their society.
I appreciate the steep learning curve and the deep change in worldviews and thought since I started my journey. But with every investment it comes at a price. For me, the price was alienation, loneliness. I dream of the day everyday, that I can be home again. I look at Baloo's face and promise him that we will do our best, to have a real home for him one day. For now, my love is sufficient to build him a temporary home in his heart.
Yet I am here, in what seems like a never ending quest for education. A fellow PhD mate just commented that he has only came across one person who could complete her PhD in 4 years. The rest took longer. I went pale at that. I was hoping to finish it in 3. My heart sank a little. But I will still try to do my best.
It has been 5 years of being transient moving in and out of my country for my studies. And another 3(4?) years more. My heart longs to go home, but my aspirations push me further. Thinking back of all the special moments of friends' weddings I have missed, the moments they had their babies, classmates' gathering, I was not there. Friendships are hard to maintain when one is overseas. Then I will come back after a long time, and we catch up where we stopped. And it goes on, but it always feels like we stopped in time when I'm away, and I come back again and time moves on. Time is subjective. But physical aging is not.
But for the lost time that I disappear, I assume another life in another place. I become an essay churning machine, reading and producing essays one after another, reading theories of strange European thinkers and reproducing them as if I belonged in their society.
I appreciate the steep learning curve and the deep change in worldviews and thought since I started my journey. But with every investment it comes at a price. For me, the price was alienation, loneliness. I dream of the day everyday, that I can be home again. I look at Baloo's face and promise him that we will do our best, to have a real home for him one day. For now, my love is sufficient to build him a temporary home in his heart.
