What do you hold on to?
Perhaps I have reached this point of life, where I am going through some sort of adjustment and crisis.
I wake up, go to work, go for my usual routined activities, come home, settle down and plop back to sleep. Everyday.
On weekends, I wake up early, go to church, have some time in between to settle my errands, squeeze in time for outings, back to service, go home and plop to bed. On Sundays, my mornings are spent on runs, church or lazing at home, running more personal errands. And quite often, I'm out of house for a gathering/ outing/ getaway/ etc.
Yet in between running from place to place, there is this void. There is this unfamiliarity in the familiar, and many things that I cant see fit.
As I was walking home this morning from my morning devotion and some chatting with a friend, I recalled the grosteque picture I saw in the papers of the bombings in Jarkata, of this Switzerland/ Swedish man, just an ordinary man, with half his face blasted off, his flesh exposing. Just a man, going about a business trip, staying in a hotel.
I'm sure he has a life back home. I'm sure he, like all of us, are occupied with the things in his life. Work, family, friends, leisure etc... And I don't think he ever knew that his life would end just like that. Nobody knows, neither do I.
How would you be feeling at that point in time if you were that man? Fear, at a loss, shock, disbelief, trauma and being shaken out of the mundane.
What do you see when you are shaken out of your paradigm and your social circle? I see the hollow pillars and perishable foundations of the things I get so entrenched in. Pop culture, looking good, politics at work, relations with people, even the very stresses and obstacles I face at this point in time. Do all these give me answers to life? no.
It seems totally absurd to me that one should just live your life to the most exciting and fullest in all sense (or senselessly), enjoying thrills from one moment to the next just because "life is short, live it"
What the hell is life!!! If life is so short and transitory, why bother for the existence! If I'm just a flower that exists and withers in a split second of history, why is there life on earth?
Why do so many of us go about living blindly and not hungry to search for the answers to life? Living from day to day being only concerned with short-termed physiological needs, but what happened to the realisation of one's soul and spirit? Yea... maybe you can wait till the day before your last breath on this place, then you go find out more about life beyond what you wear and what you eat.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
What does life entail to each person?
Just when my life felt enshrouded by the things happening around me, the mistakes I done, my carelessness, the nitty gritty things that happened at work, I felt almost buried by it.
Sometimes I wonder to myself, what a pity, because if I don't succeed, I will never be accepted, I will never survive.
I often see myself in the future, if I didn't excel in life; I see myself a jaded old lady, seated in a dark house, waiting for time to pass, to pass away.
Sometimes I lie on my bed in the afternoons and this cold, cold, empty feeling overwhelms me, this void, this meaninglessness, and it scares me.
Is my life really bound to be doomed, bound to be insignificant, bound to just exist for a split second in the span of history?
And yet in this split second of history, this void, unhappiness, unfulfillment felt like eternity, such a damned feeling... feeling useless, unwanted, cast away.
In my brooding, in my hopelessness, I came across a picture on the web:
A breath-taking view of the mountains.
And I reminded myself again, to look up and beyond my troubles, because the essence of my life is not there. It lies in something else, that everyone can have, everyone can understand.
It lies in the beauty of creation, in the love of a Creator, in the love of people.
If I had no love, even if I were the utmost perfect and successful person on earth, life would still suck.
Just when my life felt enshrouded by the things happening around me, the mistakes I done, my carelessness, the nitty gritty things that happened at work, I felt almost buried by it.
Sometimes I wonder to myself, what a pity, because if I don't succeed, I will never be accepted, I will never survive.
I often see myself in the future, if I didn't excel in life; I see myself a jaded old lady, seated in a dark house, waiting for time to pass, to pass away.
Sometimes I lie on my bed in the afternoons and this cold, cold, empty feeling overwhelms me, this void, this meaninglessness, and it scares me.
Is my life really bound to be doomed, bound to be insignificant, bound to just exist for a split second in the span of history?
And yet in this split second of history, this void, unhappiness, unfulfillment felt like eternity, such a damned feeling... feeling useless, unwanted, cast away.
In my brooding, in my hopelessness, I came across a picture on the web:
A breath-taking view of the mountains.
And I reminded myself again, to look up and beyond my troubles, because the essence of my life is not there. It lies in something else, that everyone can have, everyone can understand.
It lies in the beauty of creation, in the love of a Creator, in the love of people.
If I had no love, even if I were the utmost perfect and successful person on earth, life would still suck.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
A day at Pulau Ubin
Life is great.
Because I think I'm starting to find myself.... not in anyone or anything else,
but in You.
:)
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Solitude
Solitude, in my solitude
There is a place, just You and me....
Solitude, in my solitude,
I come down, to worship you
In my solitude, I learn something new
Each day
In my solitude, I find strength again
To carry life through
All my hurts and pains
All my grieves and shame
Are washed away
As I come to you
As I take a step
From the life I had
The world I know
Begins to fade... away....
Let Your kingdom come.....
Friday, March 20, 2009
The strange atmosphere continues, as if like I walked into a warped space......
Winky wonky brains. Neither having a fever, nor feeling at tip-top condition.
Random thoughts gel into my mind and I don't feel coherent or clear-minded enough.
Took the day off to rest....
Sighz.... get the flu or whatsoever virus away....
Winky wonky brains. Neither having a fever, nor feeling at tip-top condition.
Random thoughts gel into my mind and I don't feel coherent or clear-minded enough.
Took the day off to rest....
Sighz.... get the flu or whatsoever virus away....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
If anyone one still reads...
I have been trying my hardest best to do some reflection over myself the past days. The more I try, the more I feel like sleeping. -__-'''
And I have just reached to a stage where I want to do nothing but just sleep and shut off.
Is tired an appropriate word?
If one is full of zest and passion, they never get tired.
Tired is a word used expressing the physical exhaustion, but it reflects the mental state.
If one is bored, they are tired of life.
In a way, I am tired of life. I look at the constraints and the mechanics of things around me and I heave a sick and tired sigh.
Once again I'm disgusted at the way society has taught us with regards to the sucess and the ideals of living. The over-emphasis on certain things bombard our lives to such a great extent, till I'm confused. I see what has affected me for the past few years and the things I do to find my person. It seemed I built the foundations of my confidence and security on air. Cos they have been made and broken from person to person, from things to things, emotions to emotions, and I don't like the way it goes.
The thought of an ordinary life scares the hell out of me, and my search for a more spiritual journey entails me to ask this question: Is it for the reason to escape and detach that I want to do different things from the norms?
Then I thought that if this were really the case, my actions could not stand for anything, and in time even my quest for something different from the norms will utterly fail, because I cannot escape what is around me and what I live in. I live and breathe in the structure of this world, enshrouded by these rules and norms, relating and interacting with the very people which consists of these rules and norms.
In a sense, I seek not for the spiritual but I seek to escape. Maybe some sort of romanticism. If this is true, then no matter what I find and go along, I will never be happy. Because at the end, I do not seek for passion but I seek for comfort and to stay in my comfort zone, something that I can find solace in.
This is what passion is about. Seeking the root of my comfort and solace, but not comfort and solace itself. Have I truly found this passion of mine?
Thats what I'm trying to find out, and end up dozing off most times.
I have been trying my hardest best to do some reflection over myself the past days. The more I try, the more I feel like sleeping. -__-'''
And I have just reached to a stage where I want to do nothing but just sleep and shut off.
Is tired an appropriate word?
If one is full of zest and passion, they never get tired.
Tired is a word used expressing the physical exhaustion, but it reflects the mental state.
If one is bored, they are tired of life.
In a way, I am tired of life. I look at the constraints and the mechanics of things around me and I heave a sick and tired sigh.
Once again I'm disgusted at the way society has taught us with regards to the sucess and the ideals of living. The over-emphasis on certain things bombard our lives to such a great extent, till I'm confused. I see what has affected me for the past few years and the things I do to find my person. It seemed I built the foundations of my confidence and security on air. Cos they have been made and broken from person to person, from things to things, emotions to emotions, and I don't like the way it goes.
The thought of an ordinary life scares the hell out of me, and my search for a more spiritual journey entails me to ask this question: Is it for the reason to escape and detach that I want to do different things from the norms?
Then I thought that if this were really the case, my actions could not stand for anything, and in time even my quest for something different from the norms will utterly fail, because I cannot escape what is around me and what I live in. I live and breathe in the structure of this world, enshrouded by these rules and norms, relating and interacting with the very people which consists of these rules and norms.
In a sense, I seek not for the spiritual but I seek to escape. Maybe some sort of romanticism. If this is true, then no matter what I find and go along, I will never be happy. Because at the end, I do not seek for passion but I seek for comfort and to stay in my comfort zone, something that I can find solace in.
This is what passion is about. Seeking the root of my comfort and solace, but not comfort and solace itself. Have I truly found this passion of mine?
Thats what I'm trying to find out, and end up dozing off most times.
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