I have been feeling rather troubled lately. I'm starting to wonder if the "adultness" of this world is really so dark. Everything seems to be a facade, and we all have deep hidden thoughts in us. Feelings and emotions that we developed as adults, and yet most of the times we push it back into our minds. There are so, so many things I need to let out, but to whom? The pressure is building up, especially after the exams, my mind has nothing much else to be occupied with, my suppressed emotions are re-surfacing. How should I deal with it?
Its not that I don't trust my friends when I confide in them, but I really don't know what will come out of it. Their advice, their opinions, is it really the best? They don't know what is really going on between me in my situation, and some have truthfully said they are in no position to tell me anything... which I truly agree. And, perhaps the more I confide, the more I will dwell it in my heart....
But things are not getting any better. I have been having nightmares. I have been dreaming almost everynight. Same subject. I tried as hard as I can, to shake myself off this situation. But it only works, I can only do so, when I am very very clear of the intentions and the thoughts of that person. I am so boggled by it. I am frustrated at this point. How am I being treated in his eyes? Is he misleading me into something I expected but it seems to him like a normal friendship? I smile, I laugh in his presence, in everyone else's presence, but sometimes beneath all the mad ramblings and insane laughter I give off, lies an aching heart. A boggled, disappointed heart.
All my life I told myself not to get affected by stuffs like that, but at this point every minute of my time is overwhelmed with this big big question: where do I stand right now? Am I clinging onto false hopes? Its eating into my time and my desire for God, and I feel soo burdened by it.
Ultimately, no matter what the outcome, I know I have to, and want to stay where I am now, free with a heart and growth for my personal and spiritual development. No strings attached, feeling free and unburdened... But right now I know I can't... I am unable to feel this way yet.