This is the last time you will see me posting regularly. School starts tomorrow. A lot of hopes. A lot of expectations. Makes me feel like I want to organize my life again.
Reflections on the never-ending 3 month long holiday.... many things I have learnt and encountered.
-Physically fitter and more confident after the crazy race in June.
- Did many things like roller blading and night cycling
- Finally learnt how to play the guitar properly
- Upgraded my blog
Most importantly everyweek I had fun-filled time with my friends... :)
But I often question myself, how am I doing on the inside? Am I happier? Am I growing? Do I become a more complexed person? Or am I walking with God smoothly?
If I say everything is fine and I'm walking with God smoothly I will be lying. Cos I'm not that perfect. Sometimes I think my thoughts and emotions are so deep and dark. But I hide them pretty well. That people see me as nothing but a goofy forgetful girl. I would love to be this nice crazy goofy girl as well. But the sad fact about humans and their emotions is that we all have a dark side. Sometimes I question my intentions for doing anything. Is it to glorify myself? Is it to make me look better than others? And many many times I find that life is a struggle. I struggle to conform to my identity. And what is my identity? An identity in Christ. A good, wholesome image. But I can never reach that level. I still bitch, I still swear, I gossip... I see people with filtered lenses. But I guess... if I said I have reached that level to become a good role model for all I would be a hypocrite.
There are so many things I'm hiding... God sees even the things I do not want Him to see.... until sometimes I dunno how many things I'm hiding from myself and from others. It is hard to be true and pure to oneself. I struggle against that. It is hard not to live a life of double standards. Sometimes I feel very burdened by all the roles and responsibilites I have as a person in life... sometimes expectations of what I am supposed to be clashes because one cannot serve two masters. If you are lost in what I'm saying just ignore me. I'm ranting away.
Emotionally I ask myself if I have been healed of all my hurts. Strangely, I feel distant from my past. Whoever mattered to me so much in the past didn't matter too much anymore. The death of some one beloved seem passe. Like just a part and parcel of life. They say time heals. I say time makes you forget, numb. But it was only through this way to let go and let my new life in Christ infiltrate me, that I can be relieved of my heartaches. Numbness.. death to an old self. But no doubt, after every ordeal people emerged stronger. Sometimes people say I'm strong. Probably thats where it came from. Where in your darkest moments you feel like there is no one person that can help, where in a hopeless situation you still force yourself to see a ray of hope shining through to keep you going, add emptiness to this... crying alone deep in the night to fill the emptiness and longing for the someone you know is dying.... When you can get through this with God, how wretched can other things in life seem? So dun mock me for being a holy cow. Dun think I'm dumbly being too pious. Not many have been through what I've been through. Try how is it like to grieve only behind closed doors. During funerals friends come to give the bereaved support. The death of the person I loved so much, nobody knew what was I feeling. I grieved alone, at night behind closed doors. It left a huge scar in my life. God is healing that scar. Yay.
So, no matter how much the struggles, I know I will pull through. :) You cannot pour new wine into old wineskin; it will burst, you need new wine in new wineskin, so that the good new wine can be contained. Through my struggles, my life will be different and renewed. For the new life and spirit. :)
