Pardon me if I look totally tired or disinterested recently. I'm really tired and disinterested. In chinese, memories are called nao2 hai3. Brain-ocean. It perfectly describes my mind... a vast ocean of thoughts and memories. I think too much, I dwell too much on my past, and I am so paranoid of what people think of me. There is too much contradiction of who I am supposed to be to different people. The world is a stage and I'm an actress. I am whom they want me to be.
The real me? There is no real me. Its impossible. I know some friends have ceased talking to me. Neither have I made the effort to do something. Its not that I cannot be bothered... but I cannot find the strength at this point of time to face more setbacks. I just don't want to be social anymore. I want to run .... retreat to somewhere... I can be alone, in solitude, reflecting, refreshing, and renewing my mind.
I'm tired of gossips, I'm tired of people telling me what I am not supposed to know, I'm tired of pretending I don't know anything. I'm tired of fearing how people may see me, how I force myself to do things that are not what I want to do, tired of pushing myself to the limits. I have to know I cannot please everyone.
I have chosen to take a narrow path in life, giving my life my faith. Yes, this is what I have chosen, not many will encourage me to do this... its a painful process... it means a part of me will disappear, a new side will re-surface. Maybe its for the better, maybe its not as good, I don't know. I cannot please everyone.
For those friends who have ceased talking to me, I dunno if you still read my blog. I will find my strength to reconcile the relationship back with you one day, but not now. I'm sorry. I'm just too tired. I feel like retreating to some corner to rot and sleep. ZzzZzzz...
I had a dream again a few nights ago. Its always, always the same dream. That she is still alive and doing well back home. When I woke up and it dawned upon me that she really passed away so long back, it brought tears to my eyes... I really missed her... there is so much guilt in me that she didn't spend her last days well with her family. Goodness me... argh...
As I say my memories are as vast as the nao2 hai3. What I have wrote is totally incoherent. I'm just tired. Please pierce my head and let the memories leak out of me...
