I realised that blogging has become a part of me. I have not published a blog for quite a few days already... and I feel a little inadequate, a little muffled. Blogging has become a window of my expression... of course, you cannot fully understand or get to know a person just by reading their blogs. It is a part of me, but not totally me.
Its my voice which I cannot express in day to day circumstances. Nobody really talks about their lives and their inner thoughts in mundane life. Everyone is so busy doing what they are supposed to do. Besides, what is oneinsignificant voice? Who wants to listen to them rant when they have their own pre-occupied business?
Through these years, somehow blogging has helped in my day to day life as well... I learnt to be more open with my feelings and to be more expressive. But in my blog, I talk about things that I seldom raise up during my conversations with people.
Lately I have been trying add this personal touch to my blog, something really deep within me... But I end up not publishing it due to the fear that it was too personal. Besides, the holidays and the rain have not helped but confined me to my dark house making me reflect about many many things. Unfortunately, the more I reflect, the more pessimistic I become. And since its the holiday season, I didn't want to dampen the spirits.
Christmas didn't go very well for me, although I had fun. I had a fever. But anyways I still went ahead to have dinner at a posh German restaurant with the Tuffers and spent the night and following morning spacing out at a friend's place with the whole lot of the rest.
But I think its the weather as well, and all the happenings around the world, and other happenings closer to home, the holidays proceeded with a dull thud. Somehow, my pessimism grew. I guess its this feeling that another year has passed, I'm getting older and I'm struggling with the issue of adulthood. My future looks blurry, I have absolutely no idea what will take place. I don't even have a foresight to see what will become of me in the near future. All my friends are pretty sure what they want, I'm not.
Its hard to grapple and live through life without seeing whats ahead. Its hard to grapple with hte vast difference in thought and opinion that people have. When we were younger, most of us had similar needs and wants; simple needs and wants... but as you grow older, you realised you developed complicated desires, you realise you develop weird feelings towards people which you never felt before... you tend to think way beyond your current situation, and thus you develop differing thoughts as well...
And life's pretty hard to live by when you realise you gradually lose your foresight and values, and find it painful when you realise that not everybody feels and thinks the same way as you do... I guess I am in this very situation. Sometimes I feel like a partial grown-up trying to make my voice be felt in the world of the grown-ups, trying to make them see that the decisions I make in my life can be right as well... and yet I question myself, if what I'm doing, like what they say, is rash, impulsive and senseless? Blind obedience makes me utterly powerless and takes away my very soul... but I have not this confidence to assert my presence yet... because I am one very insecure soul.
So insecure, I am, that when I look into the mirror, I see again, the lack of lustre in this girl's eyes. The cheer has left, but it will be back in time, when the rain has gone and she has clarified her thoughts.
Just as the rains turned the landscape into a misty blur, so are my thoughts and my feelings... clouded, cold and dampened....
