.....

Its been... quite a week. Many things went through my mind, and many uncertainties yet to come. Suddenly, after getting back some badly graded papers, I felt that the risk I had taken to graduate a year later was becoming dangerous. I'm forced to consider graduation this year. But because of my special semester, I will not be able to graduate on time, which means no ceremony.

T_T .....

All my near 20 years of studying... no celebration to mark this event.....

I did cry over it. Like CRY. Its not just this matter, but also at the fear of the unknown, and the fear of what is to come.... maybe its entering a new phase of life. Very uncertain. Somehow, at that point in time everything felt uncertain. My life, my faith etc. What I study sometimes contradicts my faith. It makes me question of the inequalities. It makes me cynical. When something you hold on to dearly doesn't seem substantial anymore, you find your life meaningless. And that is bad.

But somehow I refused to see the validity of my life just based on the paper chase. I refuse to channel my all into something that the system makes everyone do; enter this world, study, get a job, retire and die. I mean... its good to have good grades for the future, but to get overtly worried over it till the point of breaking, is really not worth it.

So I turn back to the promises of God, that He holds my future. That in Him, I trust with my whole being, and I will rely on Him for strength. Its not easy, really, trusting someone intangible, but once I was able to let down my own guard and just believe and rely, really there is this peace in my heart that prevents me from getting the anxiety attacks I used to have.

Sigh.. life's a struggle, but its worth it with real good frens to be there for me to have sweet Jesus to love me.

:)