Amy is in a mode of self-pity, today.
Please shake her out of it.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
A day at Pulau Ubin
Life is great.
Because I think I'm starting to find myself.... not in anyone or anything else,
but in You.
:)
Thursday, May 07, 2009
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Solitude
Solitude, in my solitude
There is a place, just You and me....
Solitude, in my solitude,
I come down, to worship you
In my solitude, I learn something new
Each day
In my solitude, I find strength again
To carry life through
All my hurts and pains
All my grieves and shame
Are washed away
As I come to you
As I take a step
From the life I had
The world I know
Begins to fade... away....
Let Your kingdom come.....
Friday, March 20, 2009
The strange atmosphere continues, as if like I walked into a warped space......
Winky wonky brains. Neither having a fever, nor feeling at tip-top condition.
Random thoughts gel into my mind and I don't feel coherent or clear-minded enough.
Took the day off to rest....
Sighz.... get the flu or whatsoever virus away....
Winky wonky brains. Neither having a fever, nor feeling at tip-top condition.
Random thoughts gel into my mind and I don't feel coherent or clear-minded enough.
Took the day off to rest....
Sighz.... get the flu or whatsoever virus away....
Saturday, March 14, 2009
If anyone one still reads...
I have been trying my hardest best to do some reflection over myself the past days. The more I try, the more I feel like sleeping. -__-'''
And I have just reached to a stage where I want to do nothing but just sleep and shut off.
Is tired an appropriate word?
If one is full of zest and passion, they never get tired.
Tired is a word used expressing the physical exhaustion, but it reflects the mental state.
If one is bored, they are tired of life.
In a way, I am tired of life. I look at the constraints and the mechanics of things around me and I heave a sick and tired sigh.
Once again I'm disgusted at the way society has taught us with regards to the sucess and the ideals of living. The over-emphasis on certain things bombard our lives to such a great extent, till I'm confused. I see what has affected me for the past few years and the things I do to find my person. It seemed I built the foundations of my confidence and security on air. Cos they have been made and broken from person to person, from things to things, emotions to emotions, and I don't like the way it goes.
The thought of an ordinary life scares the hell out of me, and my search for a more spiritual journey entails me to ask this question: Is it for the reason to escape and detach that I want to do different things from the norms?
Then I thought that if this were really the case, my actions could not stand for anything, and in time even my quest for something different from the norms will utterly fail, because I cannot escape what is around me and what I live in. I live and breathe in the structure of this world, enshrouded by these rules and norms, relating and interacting with the very people which consists of these rules and norms.
In a sense, I seek not for the spiritual but I seek to escape. Maybe some sort of romanticism. If this is true, then no matter what I find and go along, I will never be happy. Because at the end, I do not seek for passion but I seek for comfort and to stay in my comfort zone, something that I can find solace in.
This is what passion is about. Seeking the root of my comfort and solace, but not comfort and solace itself. Have I truly found this passion of mine?
Thats what I'm trying to find out, and end up dozing off most times.
I have been trying my hardest best to do some reflection over myself the past days. The more I try, the more I feel like sleeping. -__-'''
And I have just reached to a stage where I want to do nothing but just sleep and shut off.
Is tired an appropriate word?
If one is full of zest and passion, they never get tired.
Tired is a word used expressing the physical exhaustion, but it reflects the mental state.
If one is bored, they are tired of life.
In a way, I am tired of life. I look at the constraints and the mechanics of things around me and I heave a sick and tired sigh.
Once again I'm disgusted at the way society has taught us with regards to the sucess and the ideals of living. The over-emphasis on certain things bombard our lives to such a great extent, till I'm confused. I see what has affected me for the past few years and the things I do to find my person. It seemed I built the foundations of my confidence and security on air. Cos they have been made and broken from person to person, from things to things, emotions to emotions, and I don't like the way it goes.
The thought of an ordinary life scares the hell out of me, and my search for a more spiritual journey entails me to ask this question: Is it for the reason to escape and detach that I want to do different things from the norms?
Then I thought that if this were really the case, my actions could not stand for anything, and in time even my quest for something different from the norms will utterly fail, because I cannot escape what is around me and what I live in. I live and breathe in the structure of this world, enshrouded by these rules and norms, relating and interacting with the very people which consists of these rules and norms.
In a sense, I seek not for the spiritual but I seek to escape. Maybe some sort of romanticism. If this is true, then no matter what I find and go along, I will never be happy. Because at the end, I do not seek for passion but I seek for comfort and to stay in my comfort zone, something that I can find solace in.
This is what passion is about. Seeking the root of my comfort and solace, but not comfort and solace itself. Have I truly found this passion of mine?
Thats what I'm trying to find out, and end up dozing off most times.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Struggle....
Life's a struggle, most of the times...
You are either in or out,
Up or down,
To experience a breakthrough in life,
one would always have to let go,
move out of the comfort zone,
and take a leap of faith.
Life never brings you to still waters and stagnant air.
If you seek life, to the fullest,
grab hold of its end, all the vibrant streams that life brings gushes past you
full of colour and sparkle, glitter and, perhaps, tingling sensations?
So fast, your face flushed with all the adrenaline,
your stomach cringing with the fluttering of the butterflies....
Going through all the ups and downs in life.
At life's end, everything reaches to a thump.
Quiet, you reflect, what have you done?
What have I done... ?
Certainly, something useful I hope, something purposeful.... something.... fulfilling.
And for that, I close my eyes, and let myself fall out of the realm I was once familiar,
Fall... stumble and tumble into the larger, bigger realm, His realm,
More filled with life, more filled with colours and sparkle,
More filled with abundance.
Life's a struggle, most of the times...
You are either in or out,
Up or down,
To experience a breakthrough in life,
one would always have to let go,
move out of the comfort zone,
and take a leap of faith.
Life never brings you to still waters and stagnant air.
If you seek life, to the fullest,
grab hold of its end, all the vibrant streams that life brings gushes past you
full of colour and sparkle, glitter and, perhaps, tingling sensations?
So fast, your face flushed with all the adrenaline,
your stomach cringing with the fluttering of the butterflies....
Going through all the ups and downs in life.
At life's end, everything reaches to a thump.
Quiet, you reflect, what have you done?
What have I done... ?
Certainly, something useful I hope, something purposeful.... something.... fulfilling.
And for that, I close my eyes, and let myself fall out of the realm I was once familiar,
Fall... stumble and tumble into the larger, bigger realm, His realm,
More filled with life, more filled with colours and sparkle,
More filled with abundance.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Do Singaporeans have a culture?
I remember in the late 1990s, or was it early 2000, there was this question posted nation wide- Is there a Singaporean culture?
Back then, I didn't know the answer. I couldn't really identify what was Singapore culture. But today, I would say, Singaporeans have somewhat a culture that is shared by all the cocktail of Straits living, Malay flavor and Chinese immigrants who came and shaped it.
We have... the Peranakan Culture. I am not Peranakan. My ancestry came straight from China's Swa Tow... (Turtle Mountains I call it :P )
But there are so, so many aspects of Peranakan Culture that I can identify with so much more than my great grandmother land of China.
Thats because I was born and brought up here. So were my parents. My grandparents grew up here.
Let me list some aspects of Singapore that shaped its unique culture:
It was heavily influenced by the colonial masters, therefore giving shape to many westernised buildings and a mix of British and Southeast Asian culture in many things we have:
- Kaya toast with tea and coffee and half cooked eggs, Singapore style
- Hainanese Pork Chop
- Roti John
- Teh-cino
Apart from food, we have:
- Western looking furniture and architecture in places like shop houses. Shop houses are a local construct because of the 5-foot way corridors. But yet the designs are Western. I have a good example: 
I remember visiting my great-grandmother's place which looked a little like a shophouse, with all the peranakan- looking designs and wesstern-asian architecture. I remember those teacups and tea saucers and those rustic-looking marble tables and chairs. All brings nostalgia in my heart.
I remember peeling off layer by layer the rainbow coloured kueh (jiu chen gao) and eating it with joy as a toddler. Or even drinking my milo from a tea saucer which used to be the trend.
To me, that is where my culture is, from young. Mama shops, hawker centres, old-school coffee shops, a mish-mash of the different flavors and sights of Singapore, - definitely not sergregated strictly to the CMIO category.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Individual, Community and Society
Chinese New Year is round the corner. But somehow, I find that as Singapore modernizes, Chinese New Year seem like a very dull festival. Christmas on the other hand feels more hyped, especially for the younger ones.
I don't blame anyone if they feel Chinese New Year is dull and they flee overseas for a holiday. You only see your relatives once a year. Your cousins and nieces and nephews occupy themselves with their play stations in the living room. Everyone sits around the sofas awkwardly munching on cookies and New Year goodies. Your cousins/ relatives keep to their own world sweet talking to their boyfriends/ girlfriends that they brought over for visitation.
And you.... sit there, looking pretty and rather overdressed in your best dress, flip over channels on the television trying to occupy your time, waiting for your mom/dad to give you the cue to move off the house. Then you breathe a sigh of relief.
Does this sound familiar to you? Perhaps you are one of those geeks playing PSP. Perhaps you are one of those lovebirds caught in your own world looking into those eyes of your lover. Perhaps you are like me, one of the jaded cousins, neither knowing how to play PSP, nor having any boyfriends to occupy my time with. Just a porcelaine face, nice pretty clothes, slumped on a sofa looking awkwardly around for some human connection....
I asked myself why has Chinese New Year become like this. This is what individualism has taught us. To be trapped in your own world, not wanting to open up, or be interested in your own community. Because it doesn't seem as important to many chinese Singaporean families that kinship is more important than a good career and your own nuclear family.
I feel sad, when I hear relatives gossiping about other relatives about how arrogant they are and how they like to show off their wealth to each other. I hear a lot about prideful people with their noses stuck up too high to talk to anyone. People enter houses with nice clothes and a 'cool' face to show off how cool they are, like those advertisements on magazines.
This is the bane of the Singaporean society, and as the X and Y (and Z??) generation age and takes over to be heads of the family, this is the result of the values brought up and instilled in them: A void in their sense of belonging and attachment to their community. Somehow they value their personal lifestyle more than anything.
Chinese New Year is round the corner. But somehow, I find that as Singapore modernizes, Chinese New Year seem like a very dull festival. Christmas on the other hand feels more hyped, especially for the younger ones.
I don't blame anyone if they feel Chinese New Year is dull and they flee overseas for a holiday. You only see your relatives once a year. Your cousins and nieces and nephews occupy themselves with their play stations in the living room. Everyone sits around the sofas awkwardly munching on cookies and New Year goodies. Your cousins/ relatives keep to their own world sweet talking to their boyfriends/ girlfriends that they brought over for visitation.
And you.... sit there, looking pretty and rather overdressed in your best dress, flip over channels on the television trying to occupy your time, waiting for your mom/dad to give you the cue to move off the house. Then you breathe a sigh of relief.
Does this sound familiar to you? Perhaps you are one of those geeks playing PSP. Perhaps you are one of those lovebirds caught in your own world looking into those eyes of your lover. Perhaps you are like me, one of the jaded cousins, neither knowing how to play PSP, nor having any boyfriends to occupy my time with. Just a porcelaine face, nice pretty clothes, slumped on a sofa looking awkwardly around for some human connection....
I asked myself why has Chinese New Year become like this. This is what individualism has taught us. To be trapped in your own world, not wanting to open up, or be interested in your own community. Because it doesn't seem as important to many chinese Singaporean families that kinship is more important than a good career and your own nuclear family.
I feel sad, when I hear relatives gossiping about other relatives about how arrogant they are and how they like to show off their wealth to each other. I hear a lot about prideful people with their noses stuck up too high to talk to anyone. People enter houses with nice clothes and a 'cool' face to show off how cool they are, like those advertisements on magazines.
This is the bane of the Singaporean society, and as the X and Y (and Z??) generation age and takes over to be heads of the family, this is the result of the values brought up and instilled in them: A void in their sense of belonging and attachment to their community. Somehow they value their personal lifestyle more than anything.
This year, I'm determined to inject some meaning to my Chinese New Year. I will pull away PSPs and I will sit in between lovers. I will not be awkward on sofas. I'm gonna have that connection. Its a paradigm shift.
=)
Thursday, January 01, 2009
2008- Reflections
2008 has passed in the wink of an eye.... 2008 has been an eventful year for me. A year of maturity, a year of growth, and a year of self-discovery.
My career path was a bit of a roller coaster ride. The initial months of this year was terrible for me; I almost lost my job and I was having a hard time with some colleagues probably due to some misunderstanding. But after consulting my supervisor and leaders in church, I stayed on to assess my situation and to learn from whatever mistakes I made. Thankfully, things took a turn in the second mid-half of the year and I am really enjoying my time and appreciating all my colleagues in office. :)
The church experienced an exponential growth (spiritually and physically) nearing the end of the year... with that, we grew with the church, as we all felt the heartbeat of the Lord... call it collective growing or religious efferversence, whatever, but in the beginning of the 2008, after deep meditation with the Lord, the church felt that growth was best at the community/ fellowship level; instead of just the individual level.
As all humans, I faced some some struggles at the time of growth too. I was thirsting for more things to come my way, I was thirsting for changes and I had a great desire to serve and contrbute in many and any ways in various ministries... But in the midst of all the striving and being pushed to lead, coordinate and serve, I forgot about my dependence on the Lord and I created a god out of myself. I became very haughty and egostical, priding myself in my capablities of multi-tasking and leadership and thinking that without me, there wouldn't be so much of a difference and impact. I belittled people from my beady little eyes and I worshipped myself in my heart. How disgusting. To all my fellow brethen in church- sorry for that.
When I realised that one afternoon, I kind of crumbled. It took me a while to get back to normal functioning, and therefore I did not do a good job with coordinating the decorating of the church for Christmas at the end. I'd rather fail and be scolded than to do well and to once again glorify myself at the end of it. This lesson of humility taught me many things, and it also helped to shape my resolutions for the new year...
On a lighter note, brawn achievement this year----
I LOST WEIGHT!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHHHAHAHAA
Completed some marathons, a mini-triathlon and a sprint-biathlon. Travelled far and wide to many places, including Perth, Beijing and Thailand. Had a grrreeat time with Sharzana to Malaysia for White water rafting. Its been a cool year.
Resolutions for 2009
I was meditating and reflecting for 2009. I dawned on me that this year is a year of Focus. Focus in every sense of the word. That means, streamdown my crazy load of service in ministry. streamdown my hectic schedule in sports. Streamdown my crazy races. Streamdown everything that will make me ditzy and "scatterbrained" to concentrate and do well in one.
Oh wait.... that means I need a "tok kong" organiser. Hmm...
Directions
I want to find my directions this year for my life. I have been studying and working all my life but without a concrete aim. Just drifting with the flow and earning enough money for me to cut my hair and buy earrings to match my short hair if not I will look like a butch. Ok that sounds bimbotic. Without directions, I will be swayed like the willowy trees with every thing that comes into my life that makes my heart pound like pounding belacan chili in the stone bowl. My heart will be fluttering like butterflies with every crush I have and my emotions will be controlled by my heartbeat. That's terrible and aimless. There is more to my life than to hanker after such things. Right Elvin??? hahahaha....
I want to find my directions for my life this year and I am determined to find it. I'm like going to be 24 this year (@#$@%#$^!) and if I still live my life aimlessly its a pity. (T___T.... I'm damn old....)
To all this 2009-
Wish you a good year ahead. Times are going to be bad, things will happen, but ultimately it is what is in your heart that will make you strong and stable despite all difficulties. Look for what is in your heart. :)
2008 has passed in the wink of an eye.... 2008 has been an eventful year for me. A year of maturity, a year of growth, and a year of self-discovery.
My career path was a bit of a roller coaster ride. The initial months of this year was terrible for me; I almost lost my job and I was having a hard time with some colleagues probably due to some misunderstanding. But after consulting my supervisor and leaders in church, I stayed on to assess my situation and to learn from whatever mistakes I made. Thankfully, things took a turn in the second mid-half of the year and I am really enjoying my time and appreciating all my colleagues in office. :)
The church experienced an exponential growth (spiritually and physically) nearing the end of the year... with that, we grew with the church, as we all felt the heartbeat of the Lord... call it collective growing or religious efferversence, whatever, but in the beginning of the 2008, after deep meditation with the Lord, the church felt that growth was best at the community/ fellowship level; instead of just the individual level.
As all humans, I faced some some struggles at the time of growth too. I was thirsting for more things to come my way, I was thirsting for changes and I had a great desire to serve and contrbute in many and any ways in various ministries... But in the midst of all the striving and being pushed to lead, coordinate and serve, I forgot about my dependence on the Lord and I created a god out of myself. I became very haughty and egostical, priding myself in my capablities of multi-tasking and leadership and thinking that without me, there wouldn't be so much of a difference and impact. I belittled people from my beady little eyes and I worshipped myself in my heart. How disgusting. To all my fellow brethen in church- sorry for that.
When I realised that one afternoon, I kind of crumbled. It took me a while to get back to normal functioning, and therefore I did not do a good job with coordinating the decorating of the church for Christmas at the end. I'd rather fail and be scolded than to do well and to once again glorify myself at the end of it. This lesson of humility taught me many things, and it also helped to shape my resolutions for the new year...
On a lighter note, brawn achievement this year----
I LOST WEIGHT!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHHHAHAHAA
Completed some marathons, a mini-triathlon and a sprint-biathlon. Travelled far and wide to many places, including Perth, Beijing and Thailand. Had a grrreeat time with Sharzana to Malaysia for White water rafting. Its been a cool year.
Resolutions for 2009
I was meditating and reflecting for 2009. I dawned on me that this year is a year of Focus. Focus in every sense of the word. That means, streamdown my crazy load of service in ministry. streamdown my hectic schedule in sports. Streamdown my crazy races. Streamdown everything that will make me ditzy and "scatterbrained" to concentrate and do well in one.
Oh wait.... that means I need a "tok kong" organiser. Hmm...
Directions
I want to find my directions this year for my life. I have been studying and working all my life but without a concrete aim. Just drifting with the flow and earning enough money for me to cut my hair and buy earrings to match my short hair if not I will look like a butch. Ok that sounds bimbotic. Without directions, I will be swayed like the willowy trees with every thing that comes into my life that makes my heart pound like pounding belacan chili in the stone bowl. My heart will be fluttering like butterflies with every crush I have and my emotions will be controlled by my heartbeat. That's terrible and aimless. There is more to my life than to hanker after such things. Right Elvin??? hahahaha....
I want to find my directions for my life this year and I am determined to find it. I'm like going to be 24 this year (@#$@%#$^!) and if I still live my life aimlessly its a pity. (T___T.... I'm damn old....)
To all this 2009-
Wish you a good year ahead. Times are going to be bad, things will happen, but ultimately it is what is in your heart that will make you strong and stable despite all difficulties. Look for what is in your heart. :)
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