I never felt this hopeless for more than a year. I feel so ashamed. So gutless, such a wussy. Yes, Amy, this girl who looks sporty and perky most of the time, this girl who is not afraid to challenge herself in adventurous activities and sports...... is actually a rotten tofu deep down in her heart. She gets squashed emotionally very easily. I'm like an egg that looks hard on the outside, but the yoke bursts very easily inside once u squash the shell.
All that I have done for the past half a year or so, why do I do it for? Do I do it because I think I will outdo the rest? Or do I do it for conviction for God? I write notes of encouragement, pray for others to take faith in Him, yet at my very own baptism, my faith does not even measure up. I feel downright bad about it.
What have I been wasting my time on this semester? On day dreaming of things that will not even happen. On things that are not relevant to my school work. I got too complacent.
I have to snap out of this, if not I will slip further into self pity, and NO ONE can save me out of it but myself.
All I can say is that, Im not as good as I thought. I'm nothing but a scatter-brain. I need so many people to look at my essay before I hand up my work.And they are not even good. And people around me think im mad. I fall into laughing fits that are scary. Even I scare myself sometimes. Im eccentric. And Im sorry God....
