Updates on my life since 6th Jan: I'm sad to say, but it has been bad. :(
I'm not going to use this blog as an avenue to whine, I think it will make me feel worse.
But I wish that even through my agony and my despair, I could bring forth a message of hope and determination to get myself out of this bottomless pit of self-pity. As I have mentioned before, I have always felt that I am unworthy and not good enough for anything. Sometimes I come to resent my very own existence. Each time I get into this self-pity/ cannot-stand-myself mode I get trapped in wallowing in my bottomless pit. There will always be this voice in my head saying: "Stupid Amy" or like "You're disgusting.."
I was walking home today and trying to clear my thoughts. No way... no, no way I'm going to let myself crumble by self-pitying. My existence here is neither futile nor unwanted. And I can do so much more if I stop being overwhelmed by my own troubles and start doing useful things with my able body.
And, I just remembered.... my name is Bernice as well. Why did I give myself this name? Bernice meant victorious in Christ. Amy may fail, Amy may crumble, but Bernice will never be like Amy. Bernice was born in hope that there will always be a way out, that she will always triumph and be accepted. The voice in my head may tell me Stupid Amy, but it can never never say Stupid Bernice. Because Bernice was created with hope, hope in the Lord and even if Amy fails, I know the Lord never fails. I really hold on to that.
Phew, I felt so much more encouraged after writing this. First lesson learnt: Never label yourself. You are what you think. Second: without hope, life is hard to live by.
About happiness...
And I attended I lecture on understanding Globalisation today... Very interesting lecture with this guy from the World Bank coming to give a guest lecture.... But sadly one thing about Globalisation is that although it makes things hugely accessible, given this vast ocean of resources you can obtain from, you still can not be contented. These are the ills of consummerism. Happiness is not about getting what you desire. Desire is a very scary emotion we have. The chinese saying of De2 Chun4 Jing4 Chi3 (you have an inch now you want a meter) is so true.
Instead, happiness to me is being contented with what you have. Its about not letting your greed take over. Anyway, the lecturer said today that even though nations like the US can be wealthy, but it doesn't mean they are happy. The desire of consumption has led to overtly obese people who are so heavy they move around in motor wheel-chairs. Because of the huge resource of food and other things available, they have no qualms eating away. But in the end, the body cannot handle the desires of a person. It damages the body. The same goes to addictions.
Hmm why am I saying all this... its interesting.. you know... ignorant people who look down on the faculty of arts and social science think that studying all these stuff are fluff and the girls in there are all bimbotic. But I think after 2 years of studying this field, I have come to understand human nature like never before. I understand why conflicts arise in the world which leads to undesired consequences. If anything, I think we have to look at human nature first to understand all our actions. The dark side of human nature, which is why the world is not ideal.
Scattered thoughts, but my thoughts and ponders no less....
