Of Maternity Clothes and Baby Talk...

Yesterday was my niece's 7th birthday party. My cousin invited her friends and their families as well. As I was so so so bored in the function room, I spent all the time observing the bunch of families as they went about swinging babies and toddlers around the room, chasing after them with bowls of baby food in their hands, carrying fluffy bags packed with milk bottles and diapers.... looking absolutely puffy with huge swollen bellies and struggling to walk with every step...

And I thought to myself, oh....my....goodness.... this is the scenario I will be facing in about 8-10 years???

All of a sudden, from my cool hangout places at cafes and shopping malls, to visiting auntie's house lugging a bunch of wailing kids, from activities like rock climbing and roller blading to activites like rocking-your-baby and playing with the swings at the playground, from buying cool stuff like crumpler bags and oakleys to buying baby stuff like milk bottles and bibs from Motherland......

Eeeek.

I can imagine a scenario where I scream at my husband:" LOOK OUT FOR BABY'S HEAD!!!!He's going to crash into the coffeetable!!!!" And my husband panics and scurries to pick up that tiny tot who doesn't seem to get what it means to crash your head into something hard.... Thats so uncool.

Or maybe a scene where I am struggling with an absolutely swollen belly and when I look into the mirror, I have horrible water retention on my face, I wear ridiculous fluffy clothing and my hair is conveniently cut short and auntie-like (so that I can be comfortable during confinement period).... *Gulp*.....

All these scenes, most probably I will see it in my peers in a short 6-8 years??
Its quite scary... how quickly I see my stages of transition in life... (actually given my age in other cultures its more than time to settle down and have kids)

I won't say I'm really looking forward to such a lifestyle at this present moment, I felt like I just grew up and there are so much more things to discover first...

But its such a strange thing...the cycle of life. First you are forced to grow up, you get into romantic settings in the dim of the night and do romantic things like candlelight dinner, walk in the beach, and you'd pay so much just to look your best, when in 5 years down after your marriage you shed those facades of yourself to reveal your haggard, naggy self, and buying the cheapest grocceries or even generic clothes from Metro for your kids and yourself.

I'm not putting down parents but its really ironical, the stages of life, after spending some time going for deep-meaning plays and watching movies filled with deep meanings you end up watching Barney or Sesame Street most of the time with your kid to entertain him or her. When you borrow books in the library, when you used to borrow Pride and Prejudice now you borrow picture books with HUGE fonts.

Strange, parenthood.

But I guess all these seemingly ridiculous things that young parents do in my opinion are worth it, for it is a life that they are bringing up, a precious life in their hands.

For me??? Naah... not in the near future....

S.W.E.A.T....



The gush of lactic acid into my forearms, feeling the heat of the morning as my body works overtime and exerts the muscles, beads of sweat rolling from my cheeks down to my neck, dripping. As the breeze runs through me, my sweat-stricken body feels the cool chill of the breeze as the perspiration evaporates off my skin. It feels great to be alive.

The sore raw-ness of the skin on my fingers as it grips the rough surface of the rock tile.... how my fingers throb with each push of blood into it.... the adrenaline surge with every lunge I take on the rocks.... its the painful pleasure of being aware of your existence...

Even as one of my fingers ballooned and swelled I am amused at how I sprained it... and only noticed the sprain when I saw my little ballooney finger. The pain concealed beyond the bandage tapes and the soreness of the skin, the pain concealed at my joy and love of the sport. Its all worth it.

At the end of a good back-breaking, muscle-straining climb, I continue my day, reeking of sweat and dusted with chalk, and of course, leaving with a trophy of toned, veiny arms.

Love... this four letter word...



All this while I had been pondering about love. Is there love that transcends beyond the Hollywood stereotype between a perfect man and woman? When people mention love what is the first thing that comes up your mind?



Like any other human being, I love to be loved. Especially in times of uncertainty, where I am rendered helpless and vulnerable, I desire comfort and reassurance.



I sought and pondered about love and I found it. I saw love in the most neligible circumstances. In the bond between a care-giver and a helpless bed-ridden old patient. In the smses of encouragement from friends, in the phone conversations I share with friends. From the reassuring hand that is placed firmly on my shoulders, from the sincere prayers of friends that touch my heart. From reading a heart-warming book, from the glistening rays of sunlight that radiates through after days of rain, from the rainbows peeking out shyly from the clouds.



In my brokeness, love came through stronger than I thought. "For a broken and contrite spirit Lord, you will not despise." (Psalm 51:17)



I saw another instance of love, that speaks so strongly. The relationship between my bed-ridden granny and my maid who takes care of her. The bond that is between them, the tears that my maid shed when she thinks of leaving my family to go back home, and the deep reliance and mutual bond that granny shared with her, speaks of unconditional love.

Whereas many would think its a burden and a chore to care for old, illness-stricken patients, there is the love I saw in such undesiring circumstances. That God has equipped us with this ability to have compassion on the least likeable things of the earth, and how, through love, the most uncomfortable situations can even become a bliss.

It all makes me think that heaven could be a place on earth, so long as love among people exists in the very place.

She asked me into the meeting room.... sat me down. She began talking.....

I felt something hit my back. A hard painful blow. Another one, and another one, blow after blow....

15 minutes later I left the room feeling trampled upon, shuffling my feet, heavily burdened with the daggers stuck in my back.

I had been backstabbed.

This..... my dear readers is the begining of Office Politics. A glimpse of my future.

Should I feel defeated? No way man. I'm gonna brandish and harden my shield from all the tongues of daggers....

NUS biathlon 08

Arrgh... I'm terribly disappointed with my performance this year for the biathlon. I have noticed: my muscles are disappearing.... they are getting flabby, and my stamina is goinngg goinng....

My timing is my wosrt ever! 1 hr 10min+++... but thats probably because I really took my own sweet time to complete the race. Had very bad calf cramps after that, and I couldn't walk properly for 3-4 days... oh well.... I guess there is a price to pay for getting a salary, you sell yourself (and your health?) to the company. Ha.

So, I have concluded... on top of other things... I need more discipline. Maybe I should run and swim at least once a week!

Because I am so not satisfied with my timing, I will come torture myself with a triathlon this year. Bintan tri??? OSIM? Bring it on man!!! Rarrr!!!!!

Anyway, some sloppy pictures of myself on the course. This is to encourage people that anyone, anyone can do a biathlon!

Ohhhkaayyyyy......



Here I am.... I'm supposed to write a paper on Joshua. The book of Joshua in the book of the bible. What can I say.... I'm sick of studying and I have absolutely no motivation to tweak my brain cells, at home, and after a day of work. And I'm like... wasting time typing rubbish here....



Recently someone ignited my interest for the discussion of the human condition. What it means to be human, what does it mean to have a culture, the difference between animals and humans ( in which we have come to no conclusion about the difference yet....) It got me thinking about many things... and we discussed our views between a religious nut and a staunch atheist.



He argued the following:

-that the judeo-christian views seem impossible for him...

-after some philosophical and in depth study, he convinced himself that the bible was not infallible...

-the works of the spiritual realm are denounced to just "religious efferverscence" aka mob behaviour, where when people get together in a mass they tend to fall into some trance....



And I.... got nothing much to say but 2 things:

1) Personally for myself, I felt the love and the touch of the Spirit so strongly, that all my defenses and questions took a back step....

2) Have you felt the touch of love by God during worship?



And as I went back home, many more questions and things I wanted to say etched on my mind...



If you are an atheist, who would you turn to in your darkest times? In times of emergency that is beyond your control?



Does knowing a lot of facts help in your well-being? Does it make you more at peace and happier?



Oh well.... but it was really nice talking to him... *_* (ahem ahem.... )

18 There is surely a future hope for you,
and your hope will not be cut off.
19 Listen, my son, and be wise,
and keep your heart on the right path.
20 Do not join those who drink too much wine
or gorge themselves on meat,
21 for drunkards and gluttons become poor,
and drowsiness clothes them in rags.
22 Listen to your father, who gave you life,
and do not despise your mother when she is old.
23 Buy the truth and do not sell it;
get wisdom, discipline and understanding.
24 The father of a righteous man has great joy;
he who has a wise son delights in him.
25 May your father and mother be glad;
may she who gave you birth rejoice!
26 My son, give me your heart
and let your eyes keep to my ways,
27 for a prostitute is a deep pit
and a wayward wife is a narrow well.
28 Like a bandit she lies in wait,
and multiplies the unfaithful among men.
29 Who has woe? Who has sorrow?
Who has strife? Who has complaints?
Who has needless bruises? Who has bloodshot eyes?
30 Those who linger over wine,
who go to sample bowls of mixed wine.
31 Do not gaze at wine when it is red,
when it sparkles in the cup,
when it goes down smoothly!
32 In the end it bites like a snake
and poisons like a viper.
33 Your eyes will see strange sights
and your mind imagine confusing things.
34 You will be like one sleeping on the high seas,
lying on top of the rigging.
35 "They hit me," you will say, "but I'm not hurt!
They beat me, but I don't feel it!
When will I wake up
so I can find another drink?"

Proverbs 23: 18-35

The night it rained a thousand birdshits on my car....

Driving is cool. I just removed the conspicous triangle sign. Yea! Love the way I'm in control of the car, how I can get to places fast and on my own.

But, alas, I have not learnt the art of parking the car in the right lot. Or maybe its just my car. Maybe its just my car on that Sunday. I went visiting on Sunday afternoon. Parked my car at the open air HDB estate.

There it was in its glory. 5 splats of shit. While I was cursing and cleaning up the shits, PRAGG!! SPRAGGG!!!! Another 2 fresh liquidy splats.

Narrrrbeh.

I thought it was quite bad already.

Then at night, I drove to Orchard to watch a movie with my aunt. I parked at the open air lot again. Got back to my car at midnight. My jaws dropped. I stood there gapping at the state of my car whilst some people in a car waiting to park at my lot stared at me pathetically staring at my pathetic car.

There was shit all over my windscreen. There was sh*t all over the bonnet. There was sh*t all over the top, the side, the back. As thick and white as liquid paper.

Imagine what came out under my breath. @#)%$)*%@#%$^%^

I swear I will roast and eat all the pigeons on the earth. Luckily its like midnight and less cars on the road when I drove home. I drove in shame. I drove away, humiliated. And I sped home. All because my car was drowned in a flood of birdshit. It looked like my car was shot with paintballs. My poor car.... suffered so much.

And it sure did smell FOWL. FOUL. Birdshit, when in huge amounts, STANK. I had to sacrifice my morning today to wash the shitty car. It took me 3 pails of water, carried up and down my 25 storey block, to wash it clean.

I don't know what those pea-brained pigeons ate. Their shit stuck on to my car like a tattoo. Just like a tattoo.... Maybe they nibbled on chewing gum that is thrown behind my those punks at cineleisure area. Does my car, champange colour in its glory, look like a FREAKIN toilet bowl to those feathered creatures? Oh.... maybe its so shiny that they had to use their shit to cover the car so that they could sleep well for the night, or afternoon for that matter.

Anyone likes to eat roast pigeon? Join me... I will eat all of you up!!!! I will skewer you from your buttocks! And scorch you over the fire!!! Pluck out your feathers!!! After that I will chop you into pieces! And chop your buttocks away!!! Chop chop chop!!!!Muahahahahahahhahaahha........

Mortified....I'm mortified....

The past 2 weeks at work was madness... (and at times I meant madness, literally...) been out of the office to do some research recruitment...

When I get off work, my mind roars with the train journey that I take to go home. Just throw my brains away... please.

Need a channel to express myself, singing, writing, cooking, playing music... reading, allowing my soul be resucitated. Pfffttt..

And there are times I just wanna go into a deeeeeep retreat into my own enclave. Nah... I will just be knocked out into a deep sleep. Maybe thats what I need. MORE SLEEEP.

Oh. And I realised that the strange phenomenon where I am in a semi-conscious mode in between falling asleep and waking up- and not being able to move- is called sleep paralysis. It usually lasts for only a short time, but it can be a frightening experience. I totally agree. It happened to me a couple of months ago and I blogged about it. http://rosieyan.blogspot.com/2007/06/slipped-into-twilight-zone.html

This is what they say about sleep paralysis from wikipedia:

Symptoms of sleep paralysis can be either one of the following or a combination:
Paralysis: this occurs after waking up or shortly before falling asleep. the person cannot move any body part, cannot speak, and only has minimal control over blinking and breathing. This paralysis is the same paralysis that occurs when dreaming. The brain paralyses the muscles to prevent possible injury during dreams, as some body parts may move during dreaming. If the person is wakes up suddenly, the brain may still think that it is dreaming, and sustains the paralysis.
Hallucinations: Images or speaking that appear during the paralysis. The person may think that someone is standing beside them or they may hear strange sounds. These may be dreamlike, possible causing the person to think that they are still dreaming.
These symptoms can last from mere seconds to several minutes and can be frightening to the person.

zzZZZzzZZZZZzzzzzzzzz..................

I am My Own Problem....

Since the day I accepted Jesus into my life, for the whole of the 3- 4 years I have attempted to clear the mess out of my life and have tried to put it back in order again. It has been 3 years, and the mass organization, uprooting and development still continues.

4 years ago my life was a total mess. I followed my unsound mind, chased fancies after fancies, wherever my emotions led me to I followed blindly. There were nights I spent crying and soaking in my utter misery, and where I tried to grasp for any solid fulfillment, they were as empty as dust. Seeking brokeness to fufill brokeness, warpness to fulfill warpness.... morbidity to justify morbidity.

But since then, I have chosen to live my life rightly and with wholesome goodness.

But thats beside the point I want to make here.

Since then, with counselling and guidance I have been made to relook at myself from afar. I realised that in actual fact I'm my own problem when problems in my life arises.

I have been complaining to a few friends that even though things now are looking very rosy for me: a good job, a decent family, comfortable lifestyle, sprititual fulfillment, many avenues to express my interests in cooking sports etc..... I still feel this emptiness and inablility to communicate rightly with others. Society has to play a part in this. We don't know how to talk to each other anymore. We "talk" by smses and facebook. And msn, with a lot of "haha"s, "oh I see" and :) or :P to punctuate expressions we forgot how to express.

I complained that no one wants to reach out to me, but in actual fact, I am the one who is shy about letting others reach me at a deeper level.

My root of self-esteem problems probably lie in my inability to communicate and be vulnerable to others. My pastor told me once and recently again; that if I wanted to be a source of support and encouragement to the people around me, I first have to be open to them.

Even as I'm typing away on this blog, its another evidence of the obstacles I face in communication. For one thing, I'm typing away at anyone or no one to read, it seems I'm typing and communicating to myself. It will not help in my whatsoever social relationships with others. Secondly, my blog is only a side of my persona, just like Facebook or Friendster, no one can see or justify the full side of me. Thirdly, in spending time to type about myself on the net, I am spending less time with my family at home right now- less communication.

Therefore, the inner demons and fears and obstacles I have to overcome all lies in one tiny ego( albeit tiny on earth but big enough to consume my being) - ME.

That which I have to throw away. I have been a hindrance to myself.