About blogging...

I realised that blogging has become a part of me. I have not published a blog for quite a few days already... and I feel a little inadequate, a little muffled. Blogging has become a window of my expression... of course, you cannot fully understand or get to know a person just by reading their blogs. It is a part of me, but not totally me.

Its my voice which I cannot express in day to day circumstances. Nobody really talks about their lives and their inner thoughts in mundane life. Everyone is so busy doing what they are supposed to do. Besides, what is oneinsignificant voice? Who wants to listen to them rant when they have their own pre-occupied business?

Through these years, somehow blogging has helped in my day to day life as well... I learnt to be more open with my feelings and to be more expressive. But in my blog, I talk about things that I seldom raise up during my conversations with people.

Lately I have been trying add this personal touch to my blog, something really deep within me... But I end up not publishing it due to the fear that it was too personal. Besides, the holidays and the rain have not helped but confined me to my dark house making me reflect about many many things. Unfortunately, the more I reflect, the more pessimistic I become. And since its the holiday season, I didn't want to dampen the spirits.

Christmas didn't go very well for me, although I had fun. I had a fever. But anyways I still went ahead to have dinner at a posh German restaurant with the Tuffers and spent the night and following morning spacing out at a friend's place with the whole lot of the rest.

But I think its the weather as well, and all the happenings around the world, and other happenings closer to home, the holidays proceeded with a dull thud. Somehow, my pessimism grew. I guess its this feeling that another year has passed, I'm getting older and I'm struggling with the issue of adulthood. My future looks blurry, I have absolutely no idea what will take place. I don't even have a foresight to see what will become of me in the near future. All my friends are pretty sure what they want, I'm not.

Its hard to grapple and live through life without seeing whats ahead. Its hard to grapple with hte vast difference in thought and opinion that people have. When we were younger, most of us had similar needs and wants; simple needs and wants... but as you grow older, you realised you developed complicated desires, you realise you develop weird feelings towards people which you never felt before... you tend to think way beyond your current situation, and thus you develop differing thoughts as well...

And life's pretty hard to live by when you realise you gradually lose your foresight and values, and find it painful when you realise that not everybody feels and thinks the same way as you do... I guess I am in this very situation. Sometimes I feel like a partial grown-up trying to make my voice be felt in the world of the grown-ups, trying to make them see that the decisions I make in my life can be right as well... and yet I question myself, if what I'm doing, like what they say, is rash, impulsive and senseless? Blind obedience makes me utterly powerless and takes away my very soul... but I have not this confidence to assert my presence yet... because I am one very insecure soul.

So insecure, I am, that when I look into the mirror, I see again, the lack of lustre in this girl's eyes. The cheer has left, but it will be back in time, when the rain has gone and she has clarified her thoughts.

Just as the rains turned the landscape into a misty blur, so are my thoughts and my feelings... clouded, cold and dampened....

Christmas!!!! But I'm sick :(

Yikes.. I'm having stomach flu now. FLU. Flew. Phlu.. Fili, Fala, Faaa lalalalalalalaaaa laalalalalalala lalalalaalala!!!!!!!

And tomorrow's Christmas. And I am performing. And I am going out after that to enjoy myself... How to with this fever....???

Haa... I think as you all know.. I'm very high when I have fever... I will start crapping and laughing... strange.

Anyway... since I have all the time now and I am so bored, I shall do a little food for thought.
Christmas, what IS Christmas?

I seriously am not sure what the world out there thinks of Christmas. As far as I know, the consummerist market have turned this occasion as a celebration on its own- to celebrate consummerism. This Christmas, get your loved ones a new ___ and a beautiful ___. What the hell for? Its the spirit of giving, and desiring and getting. Er... you seem to have left out something here..... Christmas... CHRISTmas... or Xmas (X representing a cross) ...

Its to commerate the birth of a Saviour, a special man. Apparently, this commeration has been clouded by Santa Claus, Reindeers, Frosty the Snowman.. what else.... log cakes, pine trees, candy canes and things that do not belong in tropical Singapore.

Erm, pardon me for being cynical ah... but why do we have pine trees and fake snow flakes on our window panes? Or even log cakes? And then you sit at East Coast looking at a coconut tree and next to you is a overtly decorated pine tree...plastic pine tree.... Are we celebrating winter in Singapore?

And then people come together to have dinner- Ham, turkey, etc... Some people think Christmas should be a romantic time, with your loved one, erm, maybe having dinner at a beautifully decorated Orchard Road, some people think Christmas should have a warm feeling- I can't describe: when I was younger, I wanted to feel this something during Christmas, so on the eve of Christmas, late at night, I spread icing over my biscuit and placed a cherry on it, like a cupcake... and I started eating in my room with a hot drink, hope to feel some Christmas mood. My maid thought I was siao.

What are you looking for this Christmas? What is Christmas to you? How do you identify with Santa Claus or a Snow man (which I bet most of us never even seen a real one before?) And, lastly, how do you identify with the original Christmas, the birth of a man? Many Christmas songs we sing, do you know that we sing the song for this man? Are you able to sing with your heart, the Christmas songs?

Why not come feel some warmth and Christmas spirit at a church? We have songs and performance, and prayers that will melt your heart. :)

Charis Tabernacle at 64 Tanjong Katong Road
11am Christmas Service.
Gimme a msg if you are interested. (that is if you know me) :)

Ok.. its not that I totally condemn Christmas and winter-looking decorations for Christmas, I think its beautiful... really beautiful... but, as a sociologist, I have to question the whole notion, the meaning behind everything... things are nice... but sometimes you have to have an explanation for it.... Would you buy a lovely lacey bra and wear it outside your shirt? But its nice!! And expensive!!!! Siao. Or would you wear you nice wooly sweater( bought from TopShop or something) to a hot and oily hawker centre? I bet you would die first.

So yea.... thoughts and ponders, thats what I do best. THINK THINK!!!!!!! DECONSTRUCT! QUESTION!!!!

To go or not to go....

Flash floods, intermittent rains, storms etc... But my trip to Ophir is due next week... And all the food that I plan to cook.... they call me THE chef... arghhh...

But if I go, think my mom will die worrying.... and my dad will think I'm psychotic (which I am 100% sure he already thinks I am), but he will think I'm psychotic to a greater extent.

Ophir Ophir... the people going are all so nice... the trip looks great... but they say there can always be another time.... maybe in dry weather season...

Do you think the weather will improve greatly within this week? Then there is hope man... if not... sighh...

Christmas is round the corner, and I'm soooo busy with preparations... maybe a little too busy.
I have been feeling a little down these days, maybe its because of the rain, maybe its because of my busy schedule, maybe its just me. I might be feeling too oversensitive. Like every word anyone says affects me. I have to keep telling myself, its fine... there is no bad intentions behind it, I'm doing ok, there are no ill intentions... etc...

Haa.. but making cakes are therapeutic, so is fasting, healing my shaken emotional health. I made 2 brandy fruit cakes today, and a chocolate cake. For christmas. Yesterday, I went out to do my Christmas shopping. Time alone is always good. Reflective. Or is it escapism????

Oh well... need to rush out for a party now...

A day wakeboarding

Today was a great day. I went for the wakeboarding course with Nicole and Ken Jia.

Wakeboarders are very... hmm.... one of a kind. The guys are tanned, have earrings, and they smoke a lot. They tend to have tattoos too. And they drive a cool speed boat. And when you wakeboard, you are supposed to act cool. The cooler your pose, they better you can board.

I managed to stand on a wakeboard upon my second try in Batam few months ago. So today I worked on my shifting skills. Cool, but tiring, and because the speed of the boat was fast, slamming into the water totally knocked my brains off... There was one moment when the boat turned and I was managing the turn, but the centrifugal force was too strong and knocked me off balance and I slammed sideways into the water... ouch... my board flew away from my legs and I felt my brains fly out of my head... haha no la... but it took some time to regain my consciousness.. I was zonked out for a moment... still very wuzzy from all the choppy waters now..

Nicole was cool too, we all tried the same moves but she also ended up slamming into the water...

Ken Jia had her first go on a wakeboard.. she fell into the water many times.. but its ok Ken Jia!!! You will make it the next round! Sure! I fell in many times when I first tried too!

We met a new fren called Ronald, thanks to him we had good transport to and fro the country club.

Oh.. and it was suprising that I met Cher Ling and the Andrew gang there too!!!! Wah so coincidental in an ulu place like punggol.... She was there with her PA company to wakeboard!!! Wah seh!!! Tell me which company so zai give their employees wakeboarding sessions! Rocks man!!

Sadly it rained dinosaurs and elephants at around 4... We had to head back to the jetty... But it was just fun!

Pictures... er,.. its only me cos my camera died while out in the open sea.. so cannot take more...

Happy Feet!!!

Sorry arh.... I'm still in the academic mood to think and write theories.... :P But I waatched Happy Feet recently, and no matter how bizarre the show was, I realised it was very very sociologically related.











Cultural Relativism
what is considered dis-appropriate in one culture is appropriate in another. The emperor penguins found it "unpenguinly" to dance. It was a taboo and regarded a deformity. However on the other side of the land, those "mexican" penguins dance to celebrate their culture...

Collective Behavior
Everybody wants to be in a collective and to act according to the collective behavior. Mumble could not even sing, but he forced himself to do so to fit in. He felt sad whenever he was left out. When he started dancing, everyone followed suit... what Durkheim calls collective conscience... society will give you the feelings, somewhat like mob behaviour.. feelings that will not be invoked when you are alone. Its always not good to be the ood one out.

Law and deviance
What is stated as the "law", or the "norm" is always relative. It is also subjected to cultural context. The law among the Emperor penguins was that they are forbidded to dance, for fear they offend the wind or ocean spirits, and they have no fish to catch. But obviously, because Happy Feet found the true reason for the loss of fish in his land, and when dancing was essential so that they could raise awareness of their existence to humans and thus make it known that they need the fish. So from something considered taboo and against social norms, overtime, it will make way to be something public and official. Like wise for religions, Christianity started as a cult and later on became an orthodox religion.... Society is sooo relative. And traditions are not stagnant. Ha!


On the whole... Happy Feet is a ridiculously farni movie.... it is so ridiculous till I dunno to laugh or cry... And I love those small "mexican" penguins!!!! So adorable and funny!!! Those Chickas!!!! I love it! Must watch!!

Arghhhh

When will my exams end!!!! WHEN WILL IT END!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!!!

You know you have been studying too much sociology when you....

• Go to a birthday party and start pondering on the whole notion of a celebration
• Notice how people in the birthday party gather in groups by age, gender and kinship
• Notice how people who seem lost in the party tend to recede into the background of the room, quietly eating
• Question why do we have feasting to go with celebration
• Start wondering why people gather round a cake with candles and sing a ritualistic song
• Question the idea of having candles when there are electric lights
• Question the whole idea of coming together to affirm the existence of somebody's life.
• Start thinking that you might not be as modern and new-age afterall, you still have rites and rituals to follow just as those people in tribes and villages have celebrations and feasts.

Hurt meeee....

I'm a softeeee.... reeeaal softeeee.... (even though I may seem quite rough.. hur...)

I'm feeling really sorry for what I done now... in a spur of anger.... I was quarrelling with my father over holiday trips (as usual). I was angry at him for always changing his mind, so I just said what I felt in a very harsh manner and walked away...

Later on when I spoke to him again for other mundane matters, he just told me in a grave but soft manner that I was very defiant. I insisted I wasn't. But he explained to me why he (always) changed his mind. Anyway I followed what he said and didn't go against him. But I think he was very upset that his daughter had become "rebellious"... something he will always use to describe me since secondary school when I did something unexpected... (who doesn't wish for perfect, always obedient angelic daughters that dropped from heaven? Hahha)

I went back to my room still feeling angry... but I think... aaaahhhh.. better apologise to him la... I want to show him I'm not defiant... so I just went to apologise and impressed upon him for the umpteeth time that I am not the "rebellious" kind.

But after I apologised to him he told me: "I know deep down you are not defiant... your tone just now was..." And yes.. I'm a softeee.. I went back to my room and felt a lump in my throat.... To make things worse I had in my mind already to watch Christina Aguilera's MTV titled Hurt... Suay suay it was about daughter-father relationship... I RAINED. Then I recalled all the good things he has done for me and I felt soooooo bad.... Watch and you will know why...



My pastor used to tell me that its the sins in our lives that hinder our relationships.... We always want things our way, sometimes forgetting to consider what are the implications of our wants. Its because we are all not born perfect, we disappoint and hurt others....

We have too much pride in us, so its hard to say I love you, or I'm sorry....

Think sometimes I expect too much from people, I expect my father to be 100% perfect, but, after pondering through, what more can I ask for? He is the best father I can ever have, cos he really loves and cares for my well-being, and I know he loves his wife and family very much... There have been so many stories of other men abandoning their families, having extra marital affairs, I should be thankful I don't experience this....

I'm a softeeee......

An eXam a dAy KeEps your Sanity @w@y....

This is it. Its the last time I'm staying home to study. TOTALLY not productive. I'm one lucky gal who has a library for me to mug. And I'm staying there.

There is just so many interesting things to do at home.... Being at home, I am compelled to carry out the rituals at home. When exams draw near, there are a set of ritual I religiously adhere to:

The ritual of making pilgrimage trips to the Kitchen.
Every one hour or so, my soul, my inner soul stirs, there is this deeeeep, instinctive need to pay homage to the Kitchen. Mind still being in and out of a trance-like-state of MuGgInG, somehow I subconsciouly bring myself on the ardous journey out of my room into the sacred Kitchen. For a start I open the doors of the Fridge. If I placed my offerings beforehand, I would be rewarded with........ the same but chilled offerings. If I did not place any offerings in there, I get none. But sometimes, depending on luck and fortune, and perhaps conduct before the providers of the Fridge (parents), blessings of manna comeforth even when I don't make my offerings. MANNA!!! oh Sweeet manna!!!!
So, religiously, I open and close the doors of the Fridge. It opens up chances of obtaining manna..

Next in the sacred place of the Kitchen, I look out for hotsprings that spouts out browwnish or light brownnish water. This.. is MAGIC water. It keeps you awake (but an overdose of it will make you shake). It helps in the productivity of being in the trance-like-state of mugging. I call it Kopheee. Vodoo magic kophee. Makes you high.

Then, satisfied of all my uncertainties and needs, I retreat back into my mundane room, and productivity rate resumes.


Hmm.. ok I think I have been studying too much on anthropology and religion. Haha....

Hi my name is Bernice

In case anyone doesn't know yet, my new (additional) name is Bernice. Yes. My baptism name. It means victory, in Chirst. You can call me Amy Bernice (that sounds sophisticated). Or Bernice. But most people still call me Amy or Mei Yen. That is fine. Bernice is just a name of significance. I was baptised on Saturday, 4 November.

I'm suffering from identity crisis.

Lately, I have been dressing up. Earrings, skirt, hair, clothes.... cos I felt like dressing up. I felt like I wanted to look like a dainty lady. And I enjoyed doing that. But I guessed I overdid it. I jolted out of it on Sunday. I wore a dress on saturday and another dress on sunday, with a cardigan over it. Yes, the dress looked very lovely. I morphed into this demure "lady" I felt I had to sit right and carry myself properly. The last straw came when I went to Ai Ping's house. I wanted to play Xbox like a guy and sit on the floor. I wanted to feel at home. But I was hindered by the dress. My mannerisms was also hindered by the dress. Damn. Can't laugh and joke crazily with the guys in a dress.
I decided I had enough. Im tired of trying to look feminine and pleasant. Slipped into my old jeans and dry-fit tee shirt today, with a huge checkered shirt as a jacket. Ahh... felt so comfy. Can prop my legs, can be comfortable and act myself. Tied my hair into a plain ponytail. There. I felt neutral. No exuding yin aura. Just me. The neutral me. :) Erm, but for fun, I painted mu nails shocking pink. Haha.
So if you see me looking very "slack" these days, you know why. I missed my old plain self. More large shirts and sarongs to come. I'm putting my skirts and "female" tops on hold for the time being.