Hmm.. I'm starting to lose interest in blogging. (Gasp!) Gosh.. cos I always pour out my personal thoughts for the world out there to see. Especially in times where workload is high, I will blabber all my greviances. Its scary cos I do not seem to be the girl I am in this blog and in reality. But that's what blogging is about right? Showing another side of your self that restrictions in society do not allow you to show... but think about it.. everyone will see my blog. Those who do not know me well will start to see me in a different way.. thats what I'm most afraid of. Call it inferiority complex. Haha. I have it.
Sigh.. I am always so afraid of how people see me.. its bad.... that means whether I'm happy with treatment I get or not, I will always take it lying down. Then I bottle up the anger, unhappiness and it manifests in another way. Which way? Being angry at myself for not doing anything. I can't go on life this way man.. I will die early. Everything bad that happens a huge portion will go to blaming myself. If I stilll let this happen, in future I will be taken advantge of. No! Cannot!
No no no..... I have to let the volcano in me erupt sometimes. But when that happens, its a scary thing. Can validate that with sisterly quarrels. Haha.
So. I'm still trying to reach a stage where my thoughts and actions are in-sync. I don't really want to hide my emotions anymore. I want to be able to voice my opinions of what am I not pleased about, not go around dumbly agreeing with everyone else. That's mainly because I'm afraid of people. I can't believe how much more afraid of people I was before my uni days then today. I din even dare to make an official phone call to companies. The notion of calling a stranger- even calling students whom I don't know- scares me till my heart races and my fingers turn cold. I'm scared of everyone... my tution teachers, my driving instructor, my colleagues, my pastors, some of my friends, my parents, the professors in school ( for the reson they hold the title of 'professor') , my aunties, my uncles, blahh blahh blahh... Its disgusting right? Too be frightend of people to such a large extent.
In fact the notion of ghosts, dark places and creepy crawlies don't frighten me as people. These things do not form a relationship with you whereby you see them everyday. People do. People have the power to make my life miserable, my boss or teacher for instance. They have the power to push me to unbearable limits. They have the power to psychologically intimidate me. Thats why I'm so afraid of people. And in turn how I present myself to others.
