School life...

Anger Management....

What to do when you are really really angry at something?

Oh gosssshhhh I can't believe it... I failed my driving test for the third time! After three years!!!! Whats wrong with me!!!!!! Arghh!!!! Angry at both myself and the annal tester...

If you want to know how angry I am, here is what happened to me over the last few days:

1. My aunt told me I was so angry I was grunting and kicking unconsciously in my sleep.
2. I cried for 2 days
3. I swam as much as I could on one morning
4. The following evening, I went for a sprint around my neighbourhood, running till I was panting deeply
5. The next morning, after the run, and STILL angry, I broke a pencil with one hand. That felt soooo goooood.

But somehow I needed to contain this anger. If unleashed, I think I would do something stupid to myself.... NAH. IM NOT GOING TO LET MYSELF BE PUT DOWN BY THIS.

After my sprint round my neighbourhood, I sat down near the play ground to clear our my thoughts. Firstly, I have a good reason to celebrate. I have finally gone for baptism after waiting and desiring it for a long time. So.... what is a measly (though costly) driving license compared to the gift of life and a bondage to God?

And I was reminded of this verse:

"Unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labour in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain. In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for He grants sleep to those He loves." Psalm 127: 1-2

Ok... so in the Lord I trust, that in His timing things will be made right. Patience.... PATIENCE. And setting my priorities rigth with Him. Maybe I valued my license way too much, and not focused on other more important priorities... maybe my huge ego lay in materialistic things like a driving license. And if I lost it, will my sense of well-being come crashing down? On what do I base my esteem on? Materialisitic things or values? Hmmm...

But seeing this from a non-religious point of view, sometimes I feel that things in life are just made unfair. I felt sooo powerless over this situation. Me, a student, and the tester, from the traffic police with authority to pass/ fail a student. A matter of minutes. A matter of mood. And all the effort put in for months comes to naught. AND THE POWER LIES IN THE TESTER'S HANDS. And I am trapped in the system. The whole BUREAUCRATIC SYSTEM. Cos the next test according to the computerised system will be next year, February. BLOODY RED TAPE. Bloody queues. Argh. You can't help it when you are in the marginalised group of CMI(cannot make it) learner driviers like me. You feel the pinch of being trapped in a driving school with such an extended period of time and the cost to pay... I think it amounted to thousands of $$ :(

Can someone share this pain with me? Someone come mourn with me and sympathise with me.... Boohoohoooooo..... I think I might go about pencil breaking this few days... somehow its therapeutic..... Ohhh my broken ego...... :-(

A rested and recharged weekend :)

I had the best weekend retreat after finishing my last term paper. On firday, I went rock climbing with Nicole to de-stress and hit the rock tiles... hmmm... my stamina and strength has gone down... need to climb more often and train up boy... but i miss climbing :) den had prata with the old gang, one of the guys dropped me Cherling and Ru Yi at Toa Payoh. We sat around the central enjoying the haze-free night air eating ice-cream and talked till 12.30am. Then I went home... :)

Saturday was a bit more stressed though.... needed to complete my essay once and for all... but I had a great time worshipping the Lord, He revealed many things to me which I took for granted...

Sunday was the best best day. :)

Woke up early for the Great Eastern Women's 5 km Run. Ken Jia's mini van once again proved very useful.... We dumped our stuff into the van and started running... cool... Pictures...













Before the run, nice and refreshed...














Just after the run.... tired...














Behind us is the finish line...

After that we went Gloria jeans for a sumptous breakfast...




Hmmm.... coffee with carrot cake and scone ....




Stupid picutures as usual.....

After filling my stomach, I went to NUS to join the Sikh Cultural Tour with Fish. We sat on a bus to the Sikh Temple and we learnt about their religion and culture. SO fun!!! I had to cover my head with a scarf! That is the only time I can do that without getting weird stares....

PunJabify me!!!!!
The 2 lovely pseudo-indian ladies...
We had a nice vegetarian northern indian lunch:
Chaaaapati.. good for health...

at the temple and me and Fish headed to Vivo City afterwards to walk around, had a great time shopping and what she calls "bonding". :)
I bought my favourite Disney's Hua Mulan from Vivo.

Lost in the man-made forest of Tangs....

I went home, washed up and started tidying my table for revision. Then I had dinner and watched Hua Mulan. :) :) And now here I am blogging and talking to my good fren in Melbourne. I will sleep early tonight and wake up REFRESHED!!!!

THIS IS WAD HAPPENS WHEN YOU ARE OVERLOADED WITH PROJECTS...

Holy Moly Week (My conversion)

Okay... a powerful spiritual session on my saturday service inspired me to write this down. Not many people knew exactly why I converted huh? My account is like no other....

All along I grew up to be a religious person... maybe because there were many things going on in my life that were out of control, many broken relationships with my loved ones... many times I went home dreading and fearing that crises will be triggered. Many insecurities in me... etc... So I read books on religion, attended talks, and followed my parents around for temple worship quite often....

But at the same time I was open to all faiths. I condemned the Christians for their zealousness (dunno why they so crazy) but I didn't condemn their God, cos God being God.. should be good. Someone from the Navigators in NUS approached me on matriculation day back in my first year in NUS. This white-haired man was extremely friendly and fatherly...

After much thought... in the following I will reveal the pages of my personal diary written 3 years ago to describe my encounter with this man... and subsequently what happened....

The Sweetest Thing That has Been Done for Me

I have been flabberghasted, dumbfounded, touched, happy, sad, confused for the past 2 days. Thinking about it... makes me not want to think about it, yet it harps on my mind... I don't know what to do..

Yesterday was Matric Fair. I, the kancheong freshman, reached NUS at 11.30am, even though my Matriculation starts at 2pm. I was walking around MPSH to find a side door to get in, when a man called out to me asking if I was looking for someone. "No" I replied, and went to search for the side exit. When the side exit wsa sealed, I U-turned back, and the man me if I was lost. So he told me that I couldn't enter the MPSH till I was matriculated. Then he asked me if I was a Christian. No was my answer. He proceeded to do a survey with me which I willingly did since he was nice and friendly. It appears that he was looking for a girl wearing a blue shirt to meet him at that corner I was at around 11.30am, which was also the same time I met him, (And I was wearing blue). After knowing that I had plenty of time (from 11.20 to 2pm), he invited me to his Navigators hangout corner to share the Gospel with me.

Okay, I wasn't too comfortable about the talk on God and man. Certain things he said, I felt were ridiculous. It makes no sense. So I just smiled and let him carry on, and I learnt about his perspective on Christianity. At the end of his talk, he thanked me for taking my time off to listen to him. He asked if I mind that he prayed for me. Prayers are good, they wouldn't hurt, so I readily agreed.

This is one prayer that I will remember for a very very long time.

Bernard( that man) closed his eyes and put his left palm up facing me.
He prayed something like:" Lord Heavenly Father (or something), I have never met Amy in my life before and I really don't know what to pray for her. Please tell me what to do."

Something like that. And he paused for half a minute, listenly intently to his heart.
Then he started to pray for me, and goodness, what he prayed swept me off my feet....
My deep down, innermost feelings, were just, summarized by a complete stranger.
He prayed that I can find my direction in life, my sense of well being and security. He prayed that I could be able to adjust and fit in with the crowds. He prayed for calmness in me, as I am irritated by presence of family members squabbling and not being able to forgive each other.
He prayed that I would find friends, true friends that I did not have to show or hide anything from them. He prayed that I would find my own voice, too many voices from others.

At the end he mentioned he could feel God's love for me was so strong, I think I could feel it too. I was tearing, I was touched. No one ever knew me as well as this before. I didn't even know my self this well. Touched was the word, touched by a complete stranger. .... I thanked Bernard for the prayer feeling speechless... and I was in a dazed moood for the whole day.. confused... utterly. ...... The power of Jesus to me was very real, but what about the logic that whoever who do not recognise Him but does good will go to hell? It makes no sense. I'm afraid of being too extreme in beliefs, especially when word has passed from 2000 years ago. ..... (blah blah)
But if Bernard can commute with the Lord, why doesn't He tell Bernard about all these wrong beliefs? Unless I'm wrong? It makes no sense, I'm confused
Arghh... Will I ever find an answer?

written on 27/07/04, 3pm


The story does not end here. It would be too simplistic to say I converted just from this. More to come... Anyways, as I was typing on the praying part, I was tearing, because God is so good and prayers on my low-self esteem and finding good friends have been answered. Hallelujah.

The Power of Labelling

I was just talking to a friend this afternoon.... he's from Nepal and we were talking about how labelling him "brother" keeps those beautiful Nepalese girls away from him. In Nepal, the term brother or sister is very sacred and once used.. you cannot court the girl because you are her brother. So things remain clear of the relationship between the girl and the guy. He laments that too many girls call him brother in Nepal. Haha....

But I was pondering... wow.... what power words can give. Which is true. We have no romantic affections and feelings for our siblings and cousins because it is a huge taboo if we do. We can actually will ourselves to fall in love with people. Strange. And if we rationalise, we can also will ourselves to stop loving people in a certain manner. I wonder how does the process of falling in love go about. Is it really involuntary and just hits you like cupid's blind arrow? Or your brain goes through mind games, subconsciously telling you that he/she is eligible, and entices you to go deeper and deeper with your fantasitc imagination.....

The magic word between brother and lover. HA... Sounds like some Korean drama. Once there is a clear cut information that the relationship with a person is actually brother rather than lover, your views and mannerisms treating the person as lover is immediately removed from its root and totally changes with a whole new mindset of "brother". Even thinking of having romantic notions with this brother seems incestrous and unimaginable. Eek.

Such is the power of the mind, and the power of social norms... Weber talks about the power of ascribing meaning to symbols. and once meaning is ascribed to it, the roles it play, and how others play around it comes alive. You are socialised only to see things as is ascribed to it. It is far fetched, obnoxious to think otherwise.

This power of labelling of course goes far beyond relationships. It applies to labelling people and things. Say a group calls you stupid. Soon it becomes a social norm that people thinks that you are stupid. And when you accept the label stupid that people call you and you internalise it within yourself, you will believe, and suscribe to the role of a stupid person. Then stupidity becomes you.

So what can I learn from this? I have to be wary of resigning to my fate. If people think I am silly or something, all the more I have to prove them wrong... if not I will really become silly. And another thing I learnt- labels can really affect people and relationships powerfully.

I just realised I have 4 essays to hand up next week.... 2 on Monday, 1 on Wednesday and 1 on Friday....
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AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Its the time of the semester again ...

Hello... its the time of the semester where I start ranting again.... mood swings plus impossible deadlines to meet... heh...

BUT... this time, I will not complain. Partly because I'm quite used to it already... partly because I know that grumbling and fuming wouldn't help...

Feeling like the work load is up to my neck... can't seem to be at ease.

But it would be nice to talk about life right at this point... my life is good... it seems that for the first time ever ever in my life, I am satisfied. Yeay. Despite disappointments, despite failures and my recognition that I am not perfect. But, overall, I am satisfied. :) It is usually at this time where your mind is worked up to make you think, you think about all aspects of humanity and their existence on earth.

Mood today: A little crazy and tense but still not snapping yet. Haha.

~~~Birthday~~~~

Had my 21st birthday party last weekend, at my cousin's place, a nice condo with a ultra nice function room. Sorry folks to keep you waiting for the pictures, been very caught up with my projects, and actually I thought I didn't look good on those pictures, thats why I hesitated to put them up. Haha.. now I got over them.....
If your face is not in there so sorry ah.. cos my camera died on me and I'm using my church fren's camera to post these pictures.... so please send me other picutures if possible... Thanks!

Me Pei Qi and Eunice at the start of the party. They were helping me to do up the decor....
Sin Wei and me! She kept adjusting my hair and my clothes for that night.. so farni.. haa

Aiya.. my eyes are closed...

The TUFFERS!!!!!

Wendy and me outside the function room. I served her baileys and nearly tripped over my high heels. Tsk tsk.... The price to pay for vanity...
My secondary school frens Ming Ze and Charlotte!

Balloons make a picture lively, even if the lighting was dark

Hai... Yes... I'm short enough for Melvin to convieniently rest his arm on my shoulder...

Such a nice pose from Sin Wei, how can I not put up???

DADDY AND MOMMY!!!!!

My pieces of artwork for the night.. my lovely pieces.... especially kermit the frog

My big, big family of cousins, cousin-in-laws, future cousin-in-laws and nieces and nephews... I'm the youngest among the cousins la.. haha

Wallet form the tuffers... aiyo.. y do I look so hyper?

The SUPER SPARKLING SWAROVSKI crystal neclace that my girl-guide frens got for me..

Thank you JC frens... I really had a gooood laughh out of this baaaaa hahaa

Earrings from CHarlotte

Yea! the mini-super-useful pocket knife I wanted. Thanks nicole and fish and everyone else! :)

My sweeet little niece made a card for me. It says "I love Amy" inside.. Ahh! my heart melted.

Twins separated.... before the evolution of mankind?????

Toe socks!

You know what I'm thinking? The paper reminds me of those kim zua in the form of a shirt to be burnt for offerings.. Haha think Yuxian will not wear this shirt for some time... hahaha

Shocked.... MP3 player!!! Wah I always wanted one! Thank you my extended family!!!!

Trying the perfume my cousin got me... the look on my face... haha

Photos that my JC frens complied.. so nice!

ELizabeth! Quite suprised... thought she wouldn't come

Pretty Wendy, me and my pretty flower!

Sinwei and me and my Frog Prince Charming!!!!


Had a wonderful wonderful time that day. Thank God for all the wonderful people placed in my midst! I'm so blessed to know all the people in my life, primary school, secindary school, girl guides, JC friends, NUS friends, Tuffers...... Each of you pay a different but important aspect in my life. If not for all your influence, I wouldn't be who I am today! And of course, my family, who has loved me and took care of me.... And God! Who is the source of everything!!!!

The haze that clouded my air.....

Never had such bad haze day since all the way back in primary school, where I remembered it was suffocating.

The haze has caused the whole world to fall sick. My lecturer clutched her voicebox for a good one hour to garner the voice to lecture. It was painful to watch. Ouch.

Everyone's throats are irritated. I suppose there is a lot of "black gold" clogged up everyone's nose....

I felt sad... the haze made me feel sad.. I felt like I was living in some sci-fi movie of a world ruined and polluted by man... We spoilt the air around us...

Everything looked strange in the hazy air.... The sun looked like the egg yolk of a mooncake, bright orange and round. The contents in the air actually acted as a filter to allow me to look directly at the sun...

The street lamps seemed to have lengthened rays around them.... everything looks so hazy and dreamy.... not to forget the hot stuffy weather: greenhouse effect of the haze.

I went home, took a bath and had dinner. Went to my room to settle down to study. Looked at the window.... Suddenly the skies were all clear again.... My lovely world is back again!!!! I said hi to my air and took a deeeeep breath.... lalalalala....

The Banquet (it bangs!)

This movie sets me deep in thought for a couple of days... and I'm still deep in thought. This show talks about many themes. I had discussions with Jun Wei and Matthew after the movie. The next day during lunch in school I was still discussing with Matte on the various themes. And after much thought, we found out a lot of latent themes that are rich in meaning.

Masks...
I was wondering how come the characters in the show wore masks. Ancient chinese soldiers and emperors and empresses don't wear masks do they? And when "Ziyi Zhang" was playing polo with the emperor, they wore masks too... Hmm... It actually shows that by putting on the masks, they deny their true self and bring out fully the roles they are supposed to play. Even whe the soldiers were invading the theatre the performers were still wearing their masks and performing right until they get slashed.

Then one of the most striking conversation on masks... the crown prince was telling the empress (ziyi zhang) that the ability to bring out expressions on a lifeless mask was a master piece. But what strikes me even deeper, was when the empress said that it is the ability to make your face a mask (hiding your true feelings and intentions) that is really a master piece. That, I truly agree. It really is an art to deny your emotions and put away your desires to achieve something rational.

Poison....
The most cheesy lines I ever heard:
Crown prince: Is there anything else on earth can be more poisonous than this (refering to the bottle of poison)?
Alchemist: Yes...(pauses...) REN2 XIN1. (a man's heart)
-_-''''
But after thinking about it.... its true. It only takes a dark, poisonous heart for a person to have the intentions of mudering someone. Furthermore, it is the heart that has the ability to feel absolute bitterness and hurt when you play withh its feelings. Likewise in the show, love is portrayed as being strucked by poison. All the characters who were infatuated with someone died of poison, but they died happy, in the arms of whom they love. Its like a drug man... die feeling high...

Colours......
White represents the good, as opposed to black which is evil. The good characters like Zhou Xu and the crown prince were dressed in white, while the empress and the emperor and his soldiers were dressed in black. Red represents passion... and when people get so caught up in passion they get consumed by the fire of it... when one is able to emerge of the fire of passion unharmed, then truly the person will own everything.. this is roughly what the empress said at the end of the show, after all her loved ones has been poisoned to death. But will it really lead you to sucess? In the end you might just end up with the oedipus complex...

Then I was thinking... it really reflects our lives today. How we put masks on, never really revealing our true feelings in most places (say you are bored at a lecture but you at least pretend you are interested and pretend to write something...) there is a time and place to behave in a certain manner. We poison peoples' hearts as well... some of us go around making others life miserable by betraying their feelings and trust, poisoning them with their words.

Overall, I think this show is on MANIPULATION and EMOTIONS. Its how, either your emotions manipulate you (like Zhou Xun who riskes her life by soughting after the one she loves) or how you can manipulate your emotions and other's emotions to suit your situation. Like "Ziyi Zhang". Which one are you?

I can say that I am quite a bit of the empress. I manipulate my emotions to suit my situation. But on the otherhand, I'm soft as to let others manipulate me.

Truly deep show...... I looove it.