November 14th, three years back,
Debut of Harry Potter the movie,
A missed call from overseas.
Dreadfully I returned the call...
:
Go further back 8 months, the month of March
Jaws clenched, facial muscles tightened
so as not to let tears flow
My chest felt heavy; can't breathe properly
Vision blurred by tears
I bade her farewell as she walked through departure gates
Sending her off, back to her hometown,
Reunited with her beloved family.
But she leaves with a heavy heart,
Knowing that the thing in her is devouring her life away...
I wondered when will I see her again,
Not realising that would be the last I saw of her...
Drowned my sorrows in heavy metal music,
Filled my emptiness in heavy metal music,
The emptiness from removing her presence in my life,
Her presence that was so deeply entrenched in my heart,
Right from the start when I even learnt how to walk.
Week after week I called her to chat,
Missed her so badly, can't see her face
Yet week after week it pains me to call
For she withers away quicker than I thought
Our conversations get shorter; she is in pain
Months pass and her painful cries get louder,
and louder, AND LOUDER
She tells me of how she cannot sleep, how she cannot eat
Time passes so slowly and painfully for her, she wanted so much to see my face,
Day and night she calls for my name, even more than her daughter's.
Never have I felt so helpless, never have I felt such misery
Using all my might to hold back my tears as I talked to her;
For she weeps even more if I wept.
At home, everyone puts up a show.
Not much traces of hurt, not much traces of grief I show.
"Why do you cry?" My naive sis asks.." She is just a maid"... From then on I never cried in front of them..
Nobody asked if I felt like crying....
Its as if I'm made up of stone
My bed is my nest of grief.
Bedsheets and pillow cases crummy with tears
Every night a ritual, before I fall asleep.
Get up the next morning, doing all I can to reduce my puffy eyes,
I go to school looking like the happiest person alive.
Its as if I'm made of stone.
And months pass.
Mother knows of her critical condition, the cancer devouring her rapidly,
tells me to assure her to let go her longing for me,
so that she can end her suffering soon and leave this world
It was like the most ridiculous thing I did over the phone
To give approval to let the one I love so much die.
What a thing to say to her,
ITS AS IF I'M MADE OF STONE
By now, our phone conversation lasts less than 5 minutes,
She can even barely moan. Can't even hold the phone.
All she wants is hear my voice, for she still thinks of me day and night.
Time and time again I put on a strong front,
And breakdown on my bed everynight.
:
Evening of November 14th, after watching Harry Potter,
I returned the call already knowing what to expect
Her daughter tells me she has passed away
Relief overwhelmed me, her pain has ended,
But not without anguish and devastation I felt.
Cried myself to sleep that night,
Singing a song over and over again,
A song starting with "Don't lose your way.."
Hoping that she can hear me,
And not lose her way in the other world. What foolishness.
Yet again my family know of the news of her death
Not one has comforted me of this up till this day
Its as if I'm made of stone..
And I continue in my act of ignorance,
But time to time it haunts me.
Her cries for me, her moans of pain
It haunts me.... haunts me...
Dreamt of her many times,
In my dreams she is always alive and well,
But sadly in all my dreams she doesn't seem to know me anymore
Its probably feeling guilty on my part that I did not get the last chance to see her,
That I would dream of such sad dreams.
Years pass and I am weary, so weary..
:
And Jesus said: "Come to me, all who are weary, and I will give you rest..."
Father let me release my burdens into Your hands...
