Finally... I get to buy this.....

Sleep does the remedy....

God made humans in such a way that we MUST sleep. God is good. Cos He knows we need the rest. He also made a covenant with us that on the day of the Sabaath, we cannot do anything. So that we have the rest. And Sabaath day happens to be our Sundays.

Sometimes, after being burdened by so many things to do and plan, I feel like I cannot carry on anymore. So, I go to sleep. Ha. Sometimes I deliberately go to bed at 9.30pm. Nevermind if I toss and turn. I just lie on my nice bed and space out. Destress. Then I fall asleep.

I went to sleep at about 12am last night. Ya, its not very early. But I slept and slept without caring what time I will wake up the next morning. Thinking of what I have to do for the weekend and the next week itself is so stressful. Argghh just.. sleep.

And sleep I did. On my nice sea-horse brand foam mattress. Ahh.. my pink bedsheets, and snuggle under my pink blanket clutching my pink bolster.... Sweeeet.... And I woke up at 10 am, feeling refreshed... Suddenly all the worries I had for what to do for the whole week ahead seems small. I feel like I can do a lot more things. :)

Which reminds me of my pastor who shared this analogy with us.... when she got stuck in a highway running out of petrol in Malaysia:

Life is like a highway. You just go on and on and on.... sometimes you worry whether you will run out of fuel. But there will always be petrol kiosks along the way. Thats how highways are built. Where there is a highway, there will always be petrol kiosks. When people work, we can always be guaranteed rest through sleep, through our Sundays, restdays etc. Sleep is not always a waste of time. It is your petrol kiosk.

Weighty issues....

I thought I had grown out of it. Sigh. I thought I had come to accept my own body. I think its a vicious cycle. Because I have come to be very conscious of my weight again. Lets see... I'm going to turn 22 this year. Ever since I was 14, I have been very weight conscious. Ever since then, I look at my waistline every single morning, every time I see a mirror, everytime I walk past a reflection. Most of the time. Ever since I was 14, I wondered how to lose the fats around my tummy. 8 years. 8 years of weight consciousness and its still going on.

I think its part of my life. Part of a woman's life. To be conscious to want to look good. Come to terms with yourself and be happy with your own body. Bull Sh*t. With all the people around you poking fun of your flabs, with all the slimming advertisements going on, how can you lie to yourself that you are pleased with your own body? The worse thing is that it not as if I'm a potato couch that can't even manage a couple of crunches. I know I can run, swim and have the strength to do many other things. Although I don't do them that often, but I really workout. And there are people who tell me to do more house work or exercise more vigourously to lose weight. -_-'''

Must I really resort to this, to eating fish soups, non-fried food, packing sandwiches all my life??? Do I really have to avoid meat and eat fruits for detox and perhaps half a bowl of rice all the time???? I have tried all the above, yes it works but I cannot see myself having this sort of lifestyle permanently.

Argh whatever it is I am going to resolve to lose my flabs again. Maybe I will run everyday. Do 50 crunches every night. Cut down on fatty food... Argh... need the discipline....

I love Kakashi!!!!!

In Naruto, I love the character Kakashi. Why? Cos he's tall and cool. And the cloth over his mouth makes him look mysterious....

I love mysterious men. @_@.... Like they have a lot of potential but don't show it... crouching tiger hidden dragon sorta thing. @_@...

I thought about my life in future: there are 2 very drastic personalities I would like to become...

1) The ultimate housewife. Some of you might remember my entry a few years back, I said I would love to be a housewife with the best baking appliances. I would love to stay home and invent new recipes, be a good hostess to my guests and serve them dian xin like every weekend. :)

2) The GI Jane. Like Kakashi!!!!!! *.* The outdoor woman, maybe joining the army or some outdoor company, and be tanned and muscular, wearing a pair of oakley sunglasses, having toned arms :P Carrying a macpac haversack, trekking/ kayaking through the wilderness... fwah....

My name is Amy FWAH!!!

Lets see all the devations of surnames I have. Amy Phua. Amy P. Amy Peee, Amy Pua-sami. Now, I introduce to you, Amy FWAH.

Why Amy Fwah? Thanks to my lecturer, the one with the heavy aussie accent. *shudders*
how do you pronounce phone? Or Philosophy? You pronounce it as f-one, and Fee-losophy rite?

So, when you see P-H-U-A, how do you pronounce it? FWAH! Especially people who are so un-Singaporean and have never watched local TV, you will probably pronounce it that way. Which I think my lecturer is.

So, when he took attendance, I nearly fell off my chair when he announced to the whole class: FWAH- MEI- YEN. (think saying this in a very very aussie accent) EEEKKK....

Saturday mornings

I love Saturday mornings...... I can get to sleep in and not be bothered with the time I have to wake up. Even though I woke up relatively early, like 8.40am, but I felt no pressure to rush through things. I have a whole lot of things to complete for the week, and it felt good that I have the whole day to myself just to settle all my stuff.

Then I can watch my TV, play my guitar, sing my songs, draw, read, laze around, under the cool cloudy sky of Saturday morning... And, not to forget, do my readings....

Recently I'm into drawing anime characters again. I haven drew them since my JC days, and now that I'm into watching Naruto, I got this desire to start drawing again. So cool. ahh if only I got a scanner, then I can scan in my drawings...

Yeay!!! Blogging in Chinese!!!

Yeay!! I can finally blog in chinese, cos I installed the chinese function in my PC... all of you know I'm a banana, but heh! I am not anti-chinese! 我 是华人！！！！And because of my dear fren Pei Qi and my other chinese speaking friends (Ken Jia you too!!!) who can spout ching chong ching chong all the 成语。。。。I'm influenced... besides, chinese has a very cultured way of expressing feelings.. I agree.

To prove to you I'm not a banana, I shall present to you a poem, a sad love poem I penned down in the past over someone I liked and could not get... hmm it just sounds so in that mood, the lovelorn mood.. if you know what I mean... ahh you read then you will know la... pardon my cheena if its not good enough... you must know I'm a borderline chinese language person...


沉默

深爱着你，　但得放你走，
在我心目中，最可望，最珍惜的，
是你．

但在你面前我无能为力，
喜欢你又不敢开口，不敢去爱．
只能默默地让给她．

她温柔体贴，及充满关怀，
难到你不动心吗？

或许你和她成了一对，
才是真正的鸳鸯，　
而我只能沉默地在旁观着；　

因为我爱你，
才要你永有最好的一切，
自己觉得配不上，
所以沉默地把她让给你．　

沉默已成了我的陪伴，　
沉默地祈祷着更美好的日子．．．

～～～～～～～～～～～～～～～
oh man!!!! 简直太浪漫，太悲惨了！！！！像不像那些韩国联戏剧啊？哈哈哈！！！不错吧！　
Anyway... switching back to english mode... that poem is passe, its not applicable to me now. So don't worry if I am feeling heartbroken cos I'm not. It happened quite sometime ago... Rarely see me discussing about romantic love... thats because I don't take it too seriously, and I tend to place it under one of the least important things to worry about.... maybe by being oblivious and ignorant is a way to cope with fear of being rejected and devastated... oh well, but I think to be able to experience such a complication in life is also good for me... at least I am able to say I have been there done that, so I'm wiser not to repeat mistakes and regrets. :)
Anyway... its an interesting life out there... I shall blog more about what I think about life the next time...

Brooding Amy...

I have been very broody this week... *pout lips and droopy eyes*

Today was the ultimate suay day.... I went over to the Co-op at Science Faculty to buy my course pack: and it was sold out. Then I went to the Science Library to borrow a book, and it was borrowed. Then, I had a quick lunch and went back to Arts to borrow yet another book. Guess wad... its borrowed out too. -_-''''

So I had to settle reading something I did not plan to read today. Boring. And at 4.45pm I left the library for the dance class. I'm taking hip hop. When I reached, I realised the class starts at 5.30 instead of 5. Okay, so I chatted with a fren I met at YIH. The instructor was late. Then the dance class started. It was so crowded I was shoved to a corner to dance with a wall. And those egoistic vain guys at the front were so pre-occupied with dancing and looking good they hogged up all the space with their long lanky arms and legs, leaving the poor gals at the back. -_-''' So much for the term gentlemen. The next time I attend the class I will shove my way to the front. *Bleah!!!!*

*Grumbles mumbles....*

The LAST climb...

Friday was the last climb I had at Climb Adventure... That place held many memories, much more than just a place to climb. It was a place of hanging out with friends, of overcoming the obstacles and of the people we knew there.... We knew exactly where to place our stuff, where to get the harnesses, caribena, and most importantly, where to eat and chill out after a hard day/night's of climb.

The last climb was a really achingly sorefully good climb, its when you try your best to overcome your loss of strength, where you hold on to the rocks with tremblings hands, and you grit your teeth, let out a shout, harness your every inch of energy to grab for the next and last rock, then you willl really feel goooooood.....Then as you complete the climb and you are let down, your fingers feel sore and you have no more strength for the moment, but the beads of perspiration that is now dripping down your forehead feels good and cooling... :) That is a gooood climb :) Oh man I miss that feeling!!!!

My trophies for the climb are the bruises on my legs, a souvenir of the memories last at Tanjong Pagar. Now Climb Adventure has moved to somewhere near Expo.... AH SO FAR!!!!

After the climb, we headed to the usual Indian coffeeshop for prata and teh: always after every climb. Cheep and tasty and not too high classed (since we were all dusty and sweaty). Just nice to chill out. :)

Ahh all good things will come to an end, we shall carry on seeking for greener pasture to conquer the walls!!!!



Lovely harnesses, photos provided by Yimin




Yimin and Ah Ling!!!

It all started with the 3 of us...

And the climbing group grew....



Yea....

The Power in a Name

Updates on my life since 6th Jan: I'm sad to say, but it has been bad. :(

I'm not going to use this blog as an avenue to whine, I think it will make me feel worse.

But I wish that even through my agony and my despair, I could bring forth a message of hope and determination to get myself out of this bottomless pit of self-pity. As I have mentioned before, I have always felt that I am unworthy and not good enough for anything. Sometimes I come to resent my very own existence. Each time I get into this self-pity/ cannot-stand-myself mode I get trapped in wallowing in my bottomless pit. There will always be this voice in my head saying: "Stupid Amy" or like "You're disgusting.."

I was walking home today and trying to clear my thoughts. No way... no, no way I'm going to let myself crumble by self-pitying. My existence here is neither futile nor unwanted. And I can do so much more if I stop being overwhelmed by my own troubles and start doing useful things with my able body.

And, I just remembered.... my name is Bernice as well. Why did I give myself this name? Bernice meant victorious in Christ. Amy may fail, Amy may crumble, but Bernice will never be like Amy. Bernice was born in hope that there will always be a way out, that she will always triumph and be accepted. The voice in my head may tell me Stupid Amy, but it can never never say Stupid Bernice. Because Bernice was created with hope, hope in the Lord and even if Amy fails, I know the Lord never fails. I really hold on to that.

Phew, I felt so much more encouraged after writing this. First lesson learnt: Never label yourself. You are what you think. Second: without hope, life is hard to live by.

About happiness...

And I attended I lecture on understanding Globalisation today... Very interesting lecture with this guy from the World Bank coming to give a guest lecture.... But sadly one thing about Globalisation is that although it makes things hugely accessible, given this vast ocean of resources you can obtain from, you still can not be contented. These are the ills of consummerism. Happiness is not about getting what you desire. Desire is a very scary emotion we have. The chinese saying of De2 Chun4 Jing4 Chi3 (you have an inch now you want a meter) is so true.

Instead, happiness to me is being contented with what you have. Its about not letting your greed take over. Anyway, the lecturer said today that even though nations like the US can be wealthy, but it doesn't mean they are happy. The desire of consumption has led to overtly obese people who are so heavy they move around in motor wheel-chairs. Because of the huge resource of food and other things available, they have no qualms eating away. But in the end, the body cannot handle the desires of a person. It damages the body. The same goes to addictions.

Hmm why am I saying all this... its interesting.. you know... ignorant people who look down on the faculty of arts and social science think that studying all these stuff are fluff and the girls in there are all bimbotic. But I think after 2 years of studying this field, I have come to understand human nature like never before. I understand why conflicts arise in the world which leads to undesired consequences. If anything, I think we have to look at human nature first to understand all our actions. The dark side of human nature, which is why the world is not ideal.

Scattered thoughts, but my thoughts and ponders no less....

Hello 2007

Last year was really a hectic year. Experienced many things. Biathlon, Adventure Trail Challenge, Uniquely Singapore Race, plus running events etc.... sea sports camp, wakeboarding, a wee bit of climbing, ran till my legs gave way. Blading, guitar, baptism. Had my fair share of experiencing emotions similar to those soppy drama serials, ups and downs and ups and finally a plateau.

Phew.

This year, will be a year more of stability. More reflective I hope. More seeking. Finding myself perhaps, being more aware and accountable for my actions, being responsible for myself.

Seeking to have a more personal relationship with God, wanting to understand more about life's purpose and direction.

Hopefully by the end of the year I will at least know where am I heading for my near future. And to know my aims and goals in life. Its pretty scary if I don't know of any plans in future.

And hope to be more toned, to have better finer hair and to have better complexion, more muscles, less fats, reduced waistline, tanner skin, better still develop ab muscles and be fitter. :)