In the midst of exams.....

My exams are here. They start today and end on the 29th. I'm very happy that things are going very smoothly and peacefully for me. I have never had such a wonderful time preparing for exams before.
Like what I mentioned before, my preparation period for exams used to be plagued with too many thoughts that are striving for my attention. Thankfully, I am able to be clear-minded this time and really get rid of all my distractions. No more day dreams.
Life these days is just getting simpler and simpler for me. I feel like I'm regaining a new found innocence, child-like yet not naive. I am starting to learn how to let go of things, let go of burdens and let go of my past. I used to be very troubled by past mistakes. I would recall all bad mistakes I made, all bad choices I took, and dwell in them. A voice in me would then tell me I am detestable and stupid. And how I believed that voice. Reflecting back, there was even a period of time, I couldn't live with myself, I couldn't bear my own existence.
As my walk with God deepens, He over powers that voice, and He gently whispers to me saying:" You are worth more that what you think. You are my precious child and I love you." So slowly, bit by bit, I lifted my burden to Him, I lifted up my shame to Him. Even if I feel shameful of myself, my perceived under-achievements and my regrets in life, I no longer live in my past, because I have a new life in God. I will never despise myself again. I will never let my thoughts affect my well-being. My life is not my own. It is being taken care of, I feel like a child again in this sense. Thats why I proclaim Hallelujah.
My exams preparations now are done peacefully. No more monsters in my mind. Just God's presence, and the kind of peace that we can never comprehend, that He brings. Till the end of the exams, I will post again....

Whats in a blog?

Just wondering on the bus today, what is the appropriate content for a blog? What should a blog be like in the first place? Is it a place where you post things that people will want to see? Or is it a place where you voice out your opinions, irregardless of whether it pleases others or not? If this is the case, then it is scary that by voicing your opinion in a so called private place, unofficial and informal, you can actually get jailed for it. =X.
In my opinion, a blog is not exactly so private and personal anymore. It is impossible to write what you really feel, your thoughts that are buried deep down inside. It scares others, presents a different side of you that people thought you will never be. Oh well, certain things should be kept to one's self. If not life would be so boring. No secrets or mysteries. In any case, I have a diary in hard copy which I jot down time to time. Diaries are a good thing to keep. Many years down the road, you can walk down memory lane to recollect your youthful days, full of passion, full of vibrancy, and bursting with energetic aura. All these moments, feelings, can be captured through words. Beautiful. The joys of writing...
By the way, I'm so happy. I finally got my first A for my term paper after one and a half years in NUS, blackmarked with atrocious results. Thats my motivation for the exams. 2 more weeks to go.....

Welcome to my humble Lizard Farm!

Welcome to the Phua's humble lizarding abode.

Entrance fee to sight-see for lizards: free of charge.
Best time to do lizard spotting: middle of the night.
Location of lizard spotting: The Kitchen. There are about 2-3 vibrant lizards of the domestic species living in its 'natural' habitat which is the kitchen. Its hangout place: behind the dustbin, under the toaster and under the bread-maker. Feeds on: I dunno what. leftover food?
Health Status of the species: FAT.
Other habitats in the lizard farm: Amy's room. (wonder if the lizards sleeps with me) Feeds on: er... Amy's dead skin cellsrand hair? eww.. Or maybe Amy's ant residence in her room. Or mosquitoes. Wah. what a perfect ecology system. Mating calls everynight in Amy's room. Maybe Amy is just too attractive. *wink*
Amy love lizards. But not the ones in her house. Those are gross. She likes cartoon lizards. And Iggies. And those that do not slither and jump around like the ones she have at home. Eww.

HoliDaze......

Ahh.... now its the time of the semester where my fantasies of the perfect holiday come to work up in my mind. Sitting on the table faced with all the books, I put up a good show that I'm mugging hard for the exams. but what goes on in the little mind of mine... Are pictures of quiet green pastures, cool high mountains, breezy sunny beaches, or just me doing my room. Change my curtains and paint a sky on my ceiling.... I want to go to climb asia and have a climb till I'm worn out for the day, go for a kayaking expedition around Singapore islands, attend Christmas rehearsals, annnnnnddd... most important of all....... chill out with friends. :) Whee! Catch a movie, go on a holiday together, eat and be mery.. laaa deedaa! What beautiful days lie ahead after exams... @_@

Okay now back to work.

Hmm.. I'm starting to lose interest in blogging. (Gasp!) Gosh.. cos I always pour out my personal thoughts for the world out there to see. Especially in times where workload is high, I will blabber all my greviances. Its scary cos I do not seem to be the girl I am in this blog and in reality. But that's what blogging is about right? Showing another side of your self that restrictions in society do not allow you to show... but think about it.. everyone will see my blog. Those who do not know me well will start to see me in a different way.. thats what I'm most afraid of. Call it inferiority complex. Haha. I have it.
Sigh.. I am always so afraid of how people see me.. its bad.... that means whether I'm happy with treatment I get or not, I will always take it lying down. Then I bottle up the anger, unhappiness and it manifests in another way. Which way? Being angry at myself for not doing anything. I can't go on life this way man.. I will die early. Everything bad that happens a huge portion will go to blaming myself. If I stilll let this happen, in future I will be taken advantge of. No! Cannot!
No no no..... I have to let the volcano in me erupt sometimes. But when that happens, its a scary thing. Can validate that with sisterly quarrels. Haha.
So. I'm still trying to reach a stage where my thoughts and actions are in-sync. I don't really want to hide my emotions anymore. I want to be able to voice my opinions of what am I not pleased about, not go around dumbly agreeing with everyone else. That's mainly because I'm afraid of people. I can't believe how much more afraid of people I was before my uni days then today. I din even dare to make an official phone call to companies. The notion of calling a stranger- even calling students whom I don't know- scares me till my heart races and my fingers turn cold. I'm scared of everyone... my tution teachers, my driving instructor, my colleagues, my pastors, some of my friends, my parents, the professors in school ( for the reson they hold the title of 'professor') , my aunties, my uncles, blahh blahh blahh... Its disgusting right? Too be frightend of people to such a large extent.
In fact the notion of ghosts, dark places and creepy crawlies don't frighten me as people. These things do not form a relationship with you whereby you see them everyday. People do. People have the power to make my life miserable, my boss or teacher for instance. They have the power to push me to unbearable limits. They have the power to psychologically intimidate me. Thats why I'm so afraid of people. And in turn how I present myself to others.

Funny Bone

Recently my bones are behaving funnily, especially my hip bone and thigh bone, and my knee bone. They crack.
Especially the knuckle of my thigh and hip bone, where they join together. Whenever I adjust my butt on a seat, or try to cross my leg, they give a "krok" Wahhh.... the feeling is damn shiokman... I feel so flexible after that, like I can do s spilt. (right....)
Then my right knee, sometimes they give a crack too. Again.. the feeling is damn shiok... ahhhh
Then my shoulder blades crack too. But not as shiok cos they crack when I feel backaches. Haha My toes always crack too.. so does my fingers, even my wrists... haha
But they always feel goood after they crack... I feel like rubber after that... Or maybe because I'm getting old.. my joints are getting stiff. :P
Ahh.... I think its because of rock climbing, my thigh bone and hips start cracking more often.. good good.. means I'm getting more flexible.. :)
I remember this horrible incident which stretched my flexibility limits beyond my imagination. Haha... this Tummam route that I was trying. Here's a sketch: In this position, I was trying to shift my body weight to the left. My friends were telling me: sit in! sit in! (meaning rest my butt on my heel) I was trying my damn best to... somemore the wall was inclined... so hard.. so using my right leg which was swinging in mid-air I tried to tighten my muscles so that I could shift to the left. I stretched and stretched.. den I gave up.

After that my right leg went numb and I limped around, knocking over some chairs and tripping over some rope. Den I had a terrible pulled muscle for a week. ButI think after stretching so much and adjusting my hip so that it stuck to the wall as closely as possible, it somehow became more flexible, and cracked more.. which was shiok. :)
Ahh .... funny bones.... hahahahaha

My lips: to bless or to swear?

As already mentioned previously, I am prone to swearing at times of anxiety. Tsk tsk tsk.. can't tell from my "guai" looks but I do.. especially thru MSN and blogging. So embarrassed I am, I decided to hide my face with the picture of my teddy bear. She's called ELizabeth. Say hi to her...anyway the previous photo of mine looked soo perverse, I got comments left by people asking me to join some sexually connotated website.... Errgghhh....
So, as I was having my wmd this morning... it dawned upon me that I use my very lips to praise God, to say holy things... yet at other times it is an instrument to curse to bad-mouth.. I felt it was improper...
So.. I prayed for myself to stop using all the swear words or to speak badly against anyone. I really want to make an effort to do so.. really. But anyway, a strange thing happened after I prayed. My lips began to feel fuzzy and there was this throbbing sensation. It lasted for a while.. I sat there with my mouth gapping slightly open like a fish. My lips felt like it was ticking away. Strange.. hmm. Whatever, as long as it helps me remember this prayer I made to stop swearing. AND I WILL! Fine me if you catch me swearing one day ok?

updates on my life...

Its been.... weeks since I updated my blog. I did not update my blog, because... first, time constraints. Secondly, I have been feeling down lately. My vulgarity potential soared for the past week, so did my temper. So any word that is thought out will be full of angst and morbidity. Hahah.
So... today, I am feeling much, much,much, much better. :D I have never felt any better. :)
Tuesday was my birthday. I thank everyone who gave me well wishes. Thank you all my friends! Which leads me to one thing... no man is an island. Without friends life is unimaginable.
Thank you!
Ahh... I realised, life has never been better for me. I received a birthday card on thursday from an old friend, and I started reflecting all the people in my life during my quiet time. I started reflecting about my life, friends, family... especially in recent years.. there are many things I did not realise how blessed I was. And laa dee daaa dee daa.. reflecting and reflecting.. about my spiritual walk, about the quality of my life, people around me.... overwhelming peace and joy flooded my being.
Somtimes people don't understand why some thank God for everything. Knowing God was the best thing that happened to me. He is as real and present in my life, its almost like surreal to have such a comforting presence surrround me, He embraces me. Its a little cheem, unbelivable that something that cannot be seen can make such an impact, its an experience like no other. What joy, what love... indescribable. No matter what happens, I turn to this solid rock for comfort, for strength and everything else..
And dadeedadeeda.. wished I could update more, but time is precious these days.. thats all for now..

Battlefield....

Oh me gosssh... this has got to be one of the most horrible weeks for the semester, and I foresee its only the begining. Oh me gossshhh oh me gossssh... Bloody projects... I swear that while doing the Food and Health assessment in which I have to count my calories and all the crrrrap for my food intake.. I screamed, whined, growled, sweared loudly while doing it.. its sooooo frustruating... F***** projects....
And then there is this headache for the pop culture term paper. Screwed. The deadline is just 2 weeks away, and I have not written anything.
And a friend found out I blocked him on MSN. Grrreat. But I don't bloooooooody care now. If I can block him I might as well be damnright honest to say why I blocked him. Some people just intrude social boundaries of personal privacy. Anyway... things ended up fine. He smsed me to ask why and I told him just prefer tokking to him face to face. Haa.
SH*T. My essay for Sociology of Work is only 3/4 done. No time to complete to the rest. Deadline next thursday. Supposed to be tommorrow.
My Social Research methods is freakin screeewwwed. Chose the wrong research question. Now I have to go find somemore lit reviews on the new topic I chose. And its not confirmed that I have totally decided to do that.
Medical Sociology... my ideas are still floating somewhere in my brain. NOT DONE YET!!!
And next tuesday, I have to complete a one page write up for my tutorial and present. Not to forget that admist all the essays, I have to finish doing all my readings to keep up in tutorials. WONDERFUL.
What a great start to my 20th year of life. Welcome to the big TWO Amy!!! Life welcomes you to the reality of the harsh living world!!!! :) Welcome!

To you O Lord I lift up my soul,
in you I trust, O my God,
Do not let me be put to shame,
nor let my enemies triumph over me,
No one whose hope is in you
will ever be put to shame,
but they will be put to shame
who are treacherous without excuse.
Show me your ways O Lord, teach me your paths,
guide me in your truth and teach me
for you are God my saviour
and my hope is in you all day long
Remember O Lord, your great mercy and love,
for they are from of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O Lord.
Good and upright is the Lord;
therefore He instructs sinners in His ways,
He guides the humble in what is right
and teaches them His ways.
All the ways of the Lord are loving and faithful
for those who keep the demands of his covenant.
For the sake of your name O Lord,
Forgive my inquity, though it is great
Who then, is the man that fears the Lord?
He will instruct him in the way chosen for him.
He will spend his days in prosperity
and his descendants will inherit the land.
The Lord confides in those who fear Him;
He makes His covenant known to them.
My eyes are ever on the Lord,
for only He will release my feet from the share.
Turn to me and be gracious to me,
for I am lonely and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart have multiplied;
free me from my anguish.
Look upon my affliction and my distress
and take away all my sins.
See how my enemies have increased
and how fiercely they hate me!
Guard my life and rescue me;
let me not be put to shame,
for I take refuge in You
May intergrity and uprighteousness protect me,
because my hope is in You.
Redeem Israel O God from all their troubles!
~Psalm 25. ~

Haaa.... feels gooood after reading Psalms... Its rather comforting to me...

Maybe something is wrong with me lately. Mix stress and an irregular hormonal cycle, you get a potent PMS. GRRRrrrr..... I'm full of angst, and feeling hot and irritated all the time. Yee... so animal like... but its true... I can't help it la... IT SUCKS TO BE A WOMAN!!!! I HATE THAT TWO LITTLE SOAP-LIKE THINGS IN ME THAT RELEASES LITTLE JELLIES CALLED EGGS! They are useless to me!!!(for the time-being and many many years ahead) At least chicken eggs can be used to fry, bake cakes, and make good food. THOSE 'JELLIES' CAUSE ME TO HAVE PMS!!!!

I feel down.... I feel like the world is against me..nobody likes me...*sobs* ahhhhh I feel bloated. I have so many things to do and not done yet.... :( I feel I don't fit in anywhere in my various circles of friends.... I feel that I'm unfriendly and quiet. I feel I'm a procrastinator, I feel I'm a hypocrite, I feel that I'm a scatter-brain, blah blah blah......

Shucks. Shaddup Amy. Get a grip on your life. Control your PMS, not PMS control you!